Buongiorno! It’s a-such a wonderful day to be a Duke basketball player…oh, the glamourosities, you cannot understand! Just last night, an Asian girl gave-a me the throbbing-a hand job of the likes-a I havent-a seen since-a the firm grip of Dick Vitale released my tensions all over his bald pate! Like a snow-capped alp, he-a was, or like the Roman Senator a-seeking the relief from summer heat by letting the gelato a-melt on his head!

So, friend. Consider the damage a-made to my belissima a-face against the powerful negroes of a-Florida State!

Thuggish, the men were, the Paulissima says! See how-a there hands came-a so close to the face, so rough they were with-a the creamy skin of the Paulissima! Five gallons of-a the finest-a lotions he sinks in a week, and yet the gangstas do not respect-a the Paulissima’s space of the personal sort!

And the words! They a-cut the Paulissima so deeply he had to score nine points, leave-a the arena, and immediately put on his-a favorite Il Divo CD just to rub the balm of solitude on the wounds of the heart, he did.

And put-a the cucumber creme of rejuvenation on his-a eyes.

And have the-a Asian girl with hands of the iron a-file the corns from his a-feet.

And go to the bed, he is crying the Paulissima, for the hurt he takes for your love on the court. Does this heart not bleed gouts of his blood for you? Does passion of his breast not radiate from-a the thumping of the chest, the deepness of his three-pointers? You may speak, but the Paulissima will not listen, as he is in need of the the-a sleep, and wanting quiet to prevent the-a age lines from creasing the perfection of his-a face, which is creamy like the fresh hot pot of risotto.

(HT: Awful Announcing. )