Can u hr me now? Good.

Kelvin Sampson: OK … can’t catch any flies without putting out a little honey. Time to get started on the call list for the day!

[dials]

Eric Gordon: Hello?

KS: Hey Eric - how are you holding up? You feeling good? You feeling strong?

EG: Um, hey Coach.

KS: Nice win over tOSU on Tuesday - nice win. You and D.J. looked great out there. You always look great, you beautiful boys, you.

EG: [mildly weirded out, but used to it by now] Thanks, Coach. Look, it’s good to hear from you, but are you really supposed to be talking to us?

KS: No, it’s OK. I promised the University that I would cooperate with the NCAA’s investigation. That’s why I’m calling all you players.

EG: I really don’t think we should talk to you about this, Coach.

KS: No, no, it’s cool. Hey, look, I know you are going pro after this year - I have a great agent I can hook you up with …

EG: Seriously, Coach, I’m all good.

KS: OK, OK, good to hear. Say, what was the name of that guy you played with in high school, I wanted to send him a few text mess…

EG: Coach, I’m gonna hang up now.

[click]

KS: OK - always be closing, Kelly, always be closing … let’s send some texts!

[types like a 14-year-old girl after a Red Bull]
To: Dan Dakich
From: Coach K

3 pts? U call that a W? Don’t get comfortable in mi chair

To: Rick Greenspan
From: Coach K

Thx 4 bonus advance. Can’t w8 4 tourney. IU woot!!

[Message comes up - SERVICE DENIED]

KS: What the hell is going on today? I’m gonna get that bitch on the phone.

[phone rings]

IU President Michael McRobbie: Somebody called for a bitch?

KS: [confused] Hello?

MMcR: Coach Sampson, what the hell do you think you are doing?

KS: My job?

MMcR: You nitwit. You just RESIGNED. You know what that means, right? Just turn in your damn phone and get the hell out of here before you get us all fired!

[Sampson thinks for a minute.]

KS: Is that you, Ray? Ha … you almost had me for a second! What, you wanna take my job or something? You crack me up. Let’s get back to work man - I got more phone calls to make before the game this weekend!

MMcR: [stunned silence]

MMcR: Call security. Jesus, we never should have fired Knight.