THE GAME EVERYONE TALKED ABOUT (SORT OF)

Too Good to Mock? Nah!
#16 Vanderbilt 86, Mississippi St. 85 (OT)

[shuffles through note cards] Say, did you hear the one about the NERDS from Nashville? [more shuffling as chorus of boos starts] I’m sure I’ve got SOMETHING in here … [ducks bottles thrown at stage] Hey, give me a break, like YOU expected f’in Vanderbilt to be the lead story twice in as many weeks?!

Tough to make fun after they played some fine ass basketball in Nashville last night. 50%-plus shooting from the Bulldogs wasn’t enough, even though the visitors held leads in the waning seconds of both regulation and overtime. The difference, as usual, was 3-point shooting and free throws; Vandy nailed 40% of their shots from long distance (MSU = 21%) and sank every last free throw while the Bulldogs missed 13 out of 28.

Vandy swingman Shan Foster was a machine, but it didn’t look that way at the start. After missing his first six shots from behind the arc, Foster would make the next nine - including the shots that would extend and later win the game. Foster scored nearly as many points (42) as the rest of the team combined (44) - not surprising if you consider that his fellow castaways shot 27% without him. If you can guard Foster, it’s game-set-match. Unfortunately, only one team has shown they can do that so far this year …

TWO OTHER STORIES, JUST FOR KICKS

You Can’t Spell “FUCK!” Without UF
#4 Tennessee 89, Florida 86

… so prepare for our Vanderbilt overlords, because the sound you heard coming out of Gainesville last night was the angry packing of NIT-bound bags by the only team that could stop Shan Foster consistently. That, or it was the sound of UF undergrads consoling themselves with hot coitus. Ah, college: where cheap beer and attractive, available women can soothe any pain. (It’s moments like these we’re glad our father knows the URL for this site. Hi, Dad!)

For realz — the Gators aren’t out of it yet, though they do face a virtual play-in game against Kentucky on Sunday. As for the Vols — all discussion of them as a possible #1 seed should halt until they win a game convincingly, which they haven’t done in two weeks.

Order Restored in the PAT
Bucknell 87, Navy 86 (3OT)

Aaaaand just like that, Navy’s dreams of tournament play come to a screeching halt. After taking a two-point lead with two seconds left, the Middies watched helplessly as John Griffin drilled a desperation heave from mid-court, giving the Bison the win and sending Navy home in the first round of the Patriot League tourney for the sixth straight year.

Only Bill Simmons (the basketball FIGJAM if there ever was one) can make 40 foot shots consistently, so yes, this is a de facto shocker. But Bucknell has been oligarch of this conference (along with Holy Cross) since the turn of the century, and luck goes to the person with the crown. With the Crusaders eliminated by American (barely) last night, Bucknell will need to beat Colgate in the semifinals Sunday to keep the current regime in control.

THREE GAMES I SHOULD CARE ABOUT, BUT DON’T

That’s It, Bring In the Lawyers
Texas A&M 71, Baylor 60

You know what, Big XII? We’re through with you until your conference tournament. We’re on to your shenanigans. Don’t try to act all cool about it anymore - we’ve got a team of antitrust piranhas on standby to look into this crap, because collusion is the only explanation for what is going on.

It almost makes sense, really. Y’all beat each other up to nonsense and hope that the tournament committee can’t notice that no one in the conference (past KU and UT) is any good, and the Longhorns and Jayhawks go along with it to boost their seeding. It’s exactly the type of crap you expect out of a bunch of low plains folk raised on Dallas, brisket, and firearms. So we’re done with you, Big XII. Sell your crazy somewhere else.

Somebody called for morally bankrupt dealin’ in the prairie?

Speaking of Buying Crazy …
#6 Duke 86, Virginia 70

We had this whole idea in our heads that lowly UVA, which has floundered at the bottom of the conference all year, would shock people by winning a few games in the ACC Tournament. We actually believed this — six of the Wahoos’ conference losses were by five points or less or in overtime, plus they have a great coach and one of the league’s best players. Perfect formula for some upsets!

And then we watched this game, and we remembered that Sean Singletary is highly overrated, Dave Leitao doesn’t have enough other talent to make up for that fact, and that Duke and Carolina are heads and feet better than everyone else in the conference. Which should make Saturday fan-fucking-tastic, in both the dead-serious and snarkily-sarcastic kind of ways.

Shouldn’t Making the Dance Be Bad?
Belmont 75, Campbell 66

In the first round of the Atlantic Sun tournament (and, really, was life as the TAAC really so bad?), the top-seeded Bruins from Nashville knock off the Camels. That’s right — the Campbell Fighting Camels, possibly the worst-sounding school and mascot combo in Division I basketball. We’ve been to Buies Creek and Campbell’s campus (one in the same, really, since it’s a one stoplight town), and we have to say that when you take the location, the small conference ball and the mascot into consideration — well, we’d have to REALLY love us some strict-but-not-Bob-Jones-strict-because-that-shit-is-crazy Baptist schoolin’ to go there.

FOUR GAMES WORTH ONE LINE APIECE

Oklahoma 68, Oklahoma State 56: Bedlam it wasn’t, but at least we can stop talking about the not-good-at-all Cowboys as a potential tournament team.

UAB 84, Tulsa 70: Conference USA — your leader in mascots (Blazers, Golden Hurricane) that aren’t funny, aren’t cool, and barely make sense.

#18 Indiana 69, Minnesota 55: Indiana catches a break by catching Tubby’s team while his heart and head were back in SEC country.

North Texas 85, Arkansas State 65: With the season officially over for A-State, Nolan can’t come to campus fast enough.