We love us some small conference basketball for approximately one billion reasons, but the short list looks something like this:

1) Defense (they play it);
2) 3-pointers (manna and nectar for small teams);
3) Funny looking white dudes (see (2));
4) Underrated trim (especially brainy and/or outwardly pious trim);
5) Curiosity towards students who actively sought schools without big time sports.

But when we’re honest with ourselves, we know the real reason we love these conferences – and, we suspect, the one reason that brings us all together in their support – are their ridiculous names. So as we enter conference tournament season and teams begin to make their official exit for the season, we want to take a moment to look back and remember the ridiculously funny teams we’ve enjoyed throughout the year. Today, we put up tombstones for two perennial favorites: The Liberty Flames and the Stetson Hatters.

Gentle … men? … you will be missed.

Mouthguard AND brand placement?

Well done, sir.

THE GAME EVERYONE TALKED ABOUT (SORT OF)

Timber …
#3 UCLA 77, #7 Stanford 67 (OT)

The bigger they are, the harder they … something something. This kind of loss should take the wind out of the sails of those damn treehuggers sleepin’ in that redwood. [listens to whispers backstage] Wait, that’s at Berkeley? Eh, one of them hippie schools in the Bay Area; pretty much the same place, aren’t they?

Utter collapse by the Cardinal, which will never cease being a really lame mascot. Double digit lead with five minutes to go? Meaningless – when the Bruins decide to switch it on, it’s ballgame. But it should scare the shit out of Ukkluh fans that it took 35 minutes for such a switch to occur. This is unquestionably the most talented team in the country, and we still think they are losing before the Final Four. Also, the golden ‘C’ on the jersey is remarkably stupid. Unless it’s to commemorate something historic. In which case it’s only whisper-behind-its-back stupid.

THE GAME YOU SHOULD HAVE WATCHED INSTEAD

There wasn’t one. UCLA-Stanford was the best game of the night on paper and on hardwood. Of course, there are some people whose cable/internet went out for twelve hours, so just for all of us you …. (not that we’re bitter):

Arena Finally Lives Up to Name; Immediately Closed
St. Joseph’s 71, #8 Xavier 68

Last night was the last home game in Alumni Memorial Fieldhouse for the Hawks (they’ll play in the Palestra next season while AMF gets renovated), and they scored a huge win over Xavier to set up a “loser gets the NIT, winner gets heartburn” matchup against Dayton on Saturday.

St. Joe’s won the game with teamwork (five players in double digits) and strong defense down the stretch – but not if you read the lead for the AP wire story afterwards. Noooo …. you know who won this game for the Hawks? Jameer Nelson – just by showing up. Has nothing to do with the fact that he’s the only person from St. Joe’s most sportswriters can name (save Dr. Jack, natch.)

FOUR TOURNAMENTS WORTH ONE LINE APIECE

Atlantic Sun – Mustache-tastic Lipscomb shaved by MTSU.

Northeast – Hehehe … Mount St. Mary’s … hahahahah … [wipes tears] … but seriously folks, we’re going to hell.

Missouri Valley – Thousands of teenage boys accept what we have long known: Shockers are surprisingly ineffective.

Big South – Top-seeded UNC-Asheville rolls to finals, but must face three time defending champs Winthrop. Don’t ever fuck with Winthrop.

Looking good, Billy Ray! Feeling good, Louis!

Real life kicked us in the teeth this morning, so no roundup until after lunch. But we will be back. Why would you choose life, choose a job, choose anything when there is blogging?