So, it’s still a few months from the start of any relevant college season – what’s that? College World Series? Blow me. – so Eirishis and Orson need something to keep themselves off the streets and off the junk ’til August. The results are sometimes frightening. Today – in honor of the Top Chef semifinals (don’t pretend you didn’t watch), we staff our hypothetical restaurant kitchens with figures from college football and basketball, past and present.

First pick goes to Orson. Add your own picks to the comments, natch.

1. Orson – Herschel Walker. A full kitchen staff embodied in a single person.

eirishis – What happens when his internal sous chef starts battling with his internal chef d’cuisine over menu direction?

2. Eirishis – Chris Webber. Willing to bring soul food to any occasion, any location – even purgatory in SacTown.

orson – Issue: may get the number of orders wrong.
eirishis – And may get the restaurant shut down for acceptance of improper gifts of chicken and waffles.

3. O – Jim Tressel. Just look at the wardrobe and tell me the man doesn’t have an innate talent for making phenomenal crêpe suzette.

eirishis – Disagree. You think that man has a bottle of Grandma in his house? Sweatervest can’t take anything stronger than a daiquiri.
orson – You may disagree. But the sweater alone is capable of making all the mother sauces blindfolded.

Apparently this model only makes mayonnaise.

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