So, it’s still a few months from the start of any relevant college season - what’s that? College World Series? Blow me. - so Eirishis and Orson need something to keep themselves off the streets and off the junk ’til August. The results are sometimes frightening. Today - in honor of the Top Chef semifinals (don’t pretend you didn’t watch), we staff our hypothetical restaurant kitchens with figures from college football and basketball, past and present.

First pick goes to Orson. Add your own picks to the comments, natch.

1. Orson - Herschel Walker. A full kitchen staff embodied in a single person.

eirishis - What happens when his internal sous chef starts battling with his internal chef d’cuisine over menu direction?

2. Eirishis - Chris Webber. Willing to bring soul food to any occasion, any location - even purgatory in SacTown.

orson - Issue: may get the number of orders wrong.
eirishis - And may get the restaurant shut down for acceptance of improper gifts of chicken and waffles.

3. O - Jim Tressel. Just look at the wardrobe and tell me the man doesn’t have an innate talent for making phenomenal crêpe suzette.

eirishis - Disagree. You think that man has a bottle of Grandma in his house? Sweatervest can’t take anything stronger than a daiquiri.
orson - You may disagree. But the sweater alone is capable of making all the mother sauces blindfolded.

Apparently this model only makes mayonnaise.

4. E -. While we’re doing coaches, Digger Phelps. Sure, every dish may remind you of 1974, but you can’t tell me anyone would outdo his plating and presentation.

5. O - Can I take former Oregon State offensive lineman Esera Tuaolo? No one knows good meat like he does.

orson - NTTAWWT.
eirishis - WOW.
orson - He knows both how to find it and what to do with it when he gets it.
orson - Plus gay guys are all over the restaurant industry. He’ll slide right in, so to speak.
eirishis - Ted Allen just called, he wants his schtick back.

6. E - Just for that - Magic Johnson. Has already opened several successful restaurants (OK, so they are TGI Fridays, but still). Ties in urban communities guarantee customers when franchising comes. And magical cure means he can help out in the kitchen worry-free.

7. O - And to parry: my next pick will be Pete Carroll to work the expediter’s station. Will keep everyone pumped, get the orders out on time, and help the crew WIN FOREVER.

eirishis - Only if the Song Girls are the servers.
orson - Deal.
orson - And Reggie Bush has to be the maitre’d taking cash to move people up the list.
eirishis - Clearly, with Leinart as the sketchy manager who bangs half the wait staff.
orson - He looks like some of the restaurant managers I know.
eirishis - He looks like some of the restaurant managers I worked for.
eirishis - No comment on whether I slept with him.
orson - Of course you did. Everyone does.

8. E - Since we’re on the subject of things and people I hate, I’ll cross sports and take Ron Powlus. Beano Cook insists he’ll win three James Beard awards before a single day in the kitchen.

9. O - I’ll cross over as well and choose Bill Raftery for my Italian restaurant thanks to his endless supply of ONIONS.

10. E - I’ll then take Dick Vitale, because if Rachael Ray’s fame has shown us nothing, it is that you can become a famous chef (er, cook, or whatever) simply by being annoyingly loud and Jersey.

eirishis - I want to lock them in a small room together until they to run out of oxygen.
orson - That’s what the walk-in is for.

11. O - Chris Fowler, whose exacting temperament and love of good wine makes him a soul-match for the Eric Riperts of the world. This broadcast was sauteed in truffle oil only! He’d throw a good fit, too.

eirishis - And my, he wears a turtleneck well. His first place has to open in Aspen, right?
orson - Aspen is so out. It’s all about Jackson Hole now.
eirishis - See, it’s too bad we already did Tuaolo.

12. E - Tim Duncan. Solid fundamentals. Proper balance of spice and formality for a proper seafood place in the South or the islands.

orson - He’s like a one-man “Great Chefs of the Caribbean”
eirishis - Coming this fall on DVD from Disney … [long pause] … crap, i can’t finish the joke.
eirishis - The combo of duncan and “pirates” is simply too banal to make funny.

13. O - Beano Cook. He’d make a great dishwasher, and in the event of a bar brawl, he’d kill men just for taking a swing at him.

eirishis - What do you think the odds are that Beano has killed a drifter or seven in his days?
orson - 1 to 1.

14. E - Crossing over again - former Oklahoma State QB Bobby Reid. Has an indispensible skill for our kitchen - the ability to make fried chicken, which he got directly from his momma, Jenni Carlson be damned.

orson - HE’S RESPECTFUL TO THE MEDIA
eirishis - THIS RESTAURANT REVIEW … HAD TO BE WRITTEN … BY SOMEONE WHO’S NEVER HAD A CHILD … THAT HAD THEIR PALATE BROKEN … AND COME HOME CRYING AND HUNGRY!

15. O - I reach across and draft Tyler Hansbrough. Like a good line cook, he excitable, likes to bang around with strangers, screams a lot, and can hold his hands to a live grill without flinching.

eirishis - Also, only possesses borderline competency with the English language.

16. E - John Calipari. Would open a dark, damp Italian restaurant that would scare you back into the 1940s. Menu would feature three superb dishes, extremely bland pastas, and a couple of seafood offerings that would be downright frightening. But the charm along would bring you back.

orson - “Sorry about the veal piccata. I just want you guys to have a real good time.”

17. O - Our head chef: Gus Johnson. I need someone with pipes and is very, very excitable.

eirishis - Tonight’s special - cauliflower ears. The chef’s experimenting this week.

18. E - Erin Andrews. Obvious choice as the hostess, but brings so much more to the restaurant, because she is good at everything, and you would order everything on her menu and [gurgle drool collapses into pile of goo because that's what bloggers do when talking about her.] Plus, it gives a cheap excuse to with a bag of chicken fingers.

Can we offer you a take-out bag?

orson - Dissenter! She’s a normal, fine lady. But she’s not making my plate of the day.
eirishis - How dare you betray the blog brotherhood! I thought we all agreed to this??
orson - Missed that memo.
eirishis - Happens with upper management.

19. O - Hm … we need someone to bribe the health officials … ah, Dave Bliss. He’d cover up those rat tracks in the tapioca, no problem.

20. E - Last pick is too obvious: Charlie Weis. Never trust a skinny chef, but always trust a fat Robot Genius whose menu offers a distinct schematic advantage over service academy mess halls.

orson - Plus turnover’s always a problem. A five thousand year contract will help keep that down.
eirishis - Job turnover? Sure. Apple turnover? Like that man doesn’t love phyllo dough.
orson - Like that man doesn’t cough up whole sheets of it when he’s ill.
eirishis - Like that man doesn’t wrap his wife in it for sex play.
orson - Ugh. I give, we’re done.

WINNAR.