(EDITOR’S NOTE - As you may have surmised by the silence of this site for the last two weeks, we’re in the final throes of bar exam hell. We’ll be back and better than ever - or, at the least, 100% less burdened - on Thursday, but in the meantime we wanted to introduce you to the newest writer for these here interwebs, now_a_hoo. His obligatory “who I am and what I care about” piece, on his equal hatred for Duke and UNC, appears below.)

All-

I’m now_a_hoo, and I’ll be giving your friendly editor a few innings of relief from time to time while he starts his career and tries to have, y’know, a life.

How did I come into this privilege? The Italians (maybe) call it: il nepotismo. He and I used to be roommates. (Ed: Close enough. Actually, we still owe him for a few orders of chicken from Wayside, and he accepted a gig here as accord and satisfaction.)

A few things to get out of the way: James Madison undergrad, UVa for law school. My folks went to Michigan and I grew up in Virginia, so I came up with Michigan and Virginia basketball (during the Fab Five Never Happened and Jeff Jones eras, respectively).

Likes: UVa, Michigan, JMU, small schools, HBCUs, and brunch.
Loathes: tOSU, VPISU, MSU, Bob Knight, Ron Curry, Digger Phelps, snakes, the word “poon”, and ranch dressing.

So in the words of Steve Harvey, now that we got that shit out of the way, I have a confession to make: I’m an ACC basketball fan, but I’m neutral on Duke versus Carolina.

Before you get your Columbia- or Royal- Blue draws in a bunch, let me say this: everything you say about [Duke or Carolina, whichever you hate] is absolutely right.

But here’s the problem: It’s also 100% wrong.

It’ll be OK, Tyler.

Most of the complaints rivals have about each other stem from student bodies, fanbases, individual players or coaches that the rival fans don’t like. Let’s deal with each of these in sequence:

Student Bodies

Shorter Duke fans: OMG h33l5 R teh DUMB!!!1!!

FACT: Duke is ranked twenty spots higher in the imperfect, bordering on arbitrary U.S. News rankings, and the average score on the still basically racist and classist SATs is about 170 points higher at Duke.

BUT ALSO FACT: Carolina’s still one of the best five or six public universities in the country. (Ed: And the undergrad co-eds are hotter. This cannot be reasonably disputed, sad to say.)

Shorter Carolina fans: OMG D00k135 r teh SNOBZORZ!!!

FACT: Lots of Duke students used to pop their collars back when lots of college students popped their collars.

Will this ever get old? Answer: no.

BUT ALSO FACT: Most of them, whether they admit to it or not, spent their years in Durham like this.

Duke: Like a bad ’90s sitcom, but more diverse.

Fan Bases

There are people all over the country with legitimate love for both teams, but here’s the rub: both have HUGE bandwagons. Gobs and gobs of daywalkers. The center of gravity for Carolina’s non-alumni (or family, or what have you) fanbase is Charlotte. Duke’s non-alumni base is north Jersey. Can we agree that NASCAR Country and Soprano-land are equally hateworthy?

Individual Players

“J.J. Redick sucked!” - No he didn’t. He currently sucks. He didn’t at Duke.

“Eric Montross sucked!” - If he had, you wouldn’t remember him or his awesome flattop.

“Wojo sucked!” - Kind of, yeah.

“Kris Lang was ugly!” - Kind of, yeah.

“Ron Curry sucked!” - And it was glorious.

“Cherokee Parks was ugly!” - And it was glorious.

“Carlos Boozer was already a back-stabbing evil-doer!” - Incorrect.

“Vince Carter was already a lazy, selfish showboat!” - False.

Most of the players in the history of the rivalry who you love to hate are memorable because they didn’t suck. I’m sick of hearing people on opposite sides of a rivalry say that [awesome player] is awful. Since when is it not enough just to hate his breathing guts?

As someone who roots for Michigan, I can tell you that I don’t think Mateen Cleaves sucked. But he had the unmitigated audacity to play for MSU while simultaneously not sucking, so he can sit on a tack as far as I’m concerned.

Coaches

If you take issue with the coaching in this rivalry, you’re a Heel. That’s fine. You can tell me about how Coach K looks like a rat and had an Amex commercial. Then you’ll tell me about Matt Doherty. And I won’t care.

In the 64-team era, there has been one coach (well, two if you count Pete Gaudet, and I don’t) you could score as below average. The two biggest names are both coaching royalty.

For Duke: Coach K has had an effect on Duke that can’t be quantified. During his tenure Duke went from a solid school (known mostly for humanities Ph.D. programs and hosting the only Rose Bowl outside of Pasadena) into a legitimate Princeton safety, which is a compliment.

For Carolina: Dean Smith is Dean Smith. He did his part to push integration along, and he could have run for any elected office in North Carolina, on any party’s ticket, and win handily. He probably still could. [/abe vigoda'd]

Conclusion

Since sport is just an elaborate goof we get to enjoy while sliding down the razorblade of life on the long march to hell, let’s agree: Carolina and Duke are awesome, in an incredibly loathsome way.

May they rot. Screw those clowns. Amen.