THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
Parrish: “I Don’t Really Love Sports Anymore”

If you’re anything like us, there was one great mystery left unsolved in CBS’ decision to let Billy Packer go out to pasture - how on earth were they going to hold onto the dour curmudgeon demographic? Sure, the 18-24 kids are the advertiser’s wet dream, but a network like CBS can’t ignore its base of tapioca slurpers, can it? Without Packer, where were these viewers going to get the “darn kids these days” coverage they crave?

We should have known the network brass were smarter than us. Just like their ad revenue, CBS is simply moving their crass, disinterested reporting online, in the form of Gary Parrish. From an Q&A with 35S favorite A Sea of Blue:

I mean, sitting courtside at this years [sic] national title game [as a life-long Memphis fan] should’ve been one of the highlights of my life. But it wasn’t. I was indifferent to the whole thing, and I don’t say that in an attempt to prove I’m impartial. It kinda makes me sad, actually, because the main reason I wanted to be a sports writer was because I loved sports, and I don’t really love sports anymore.

Bravo, CBS. Bra-f’in-vo. Somewhere in LA, Bill Simmons is mouthing “I told you so”. Gary, put on some Eddie Vedder and let the indifference set in.

Three more headlines, including some Grade A fan gouging, after the jump:

THREE STORIES WORTH A FEW LINES APIECE

Now Available at Concessions: Snake Oil! - Last month, Drake’s athletic department announced price increases for basketball season tickets along with new PSL requirements for high-priced seats. Which makes perfect sense, given their surprising run to the Valley title, a first round loss, the departure of a beloved legacy coach for Providence, and the graduation of 60% of your point production. When the stock’s on the rise, the fans will wanna can be forced to invest!

Trent Johnson Better Really Like The Food in Baton Rouge - Look at the bright side, Trent - you’ll have time to finish setting up your new home. Taking a page from Duke’s oh-so-successful profitable book, the Bayou Bengals will be playing only two non-conference road dates, if you count a neutral site game against Texas A&M in Houston as a road game. (And we do!) When asked whether his new team needed to geaux on the road a bit more often to prepare for the tournament, Johnson showed his readiness for the LSU job by responding, “ESS-EEE-SEE SPEEEEEEEEEEEED!!”

Even We Aren’t Tasteless Enough to Make Refugee Jokes - John Riek, a coveted Sudanese center, committed to Cincinnati over the weekend, but won’t be available until the new year while he nurses a detached ACL. We’d wonder if Riek is disappointed to play college hoops after he originally declared for the draft, but at Cincinnati, we’re not entirely sure there is a difference.

Meanwhile, Teeng Akoi, a 6′11″ forward also from Sudan, is shopping middle America after failing to qualify academically at South Florida. Nick Saban may laugh at that concept, but for a foreign student, Akoi seemed to show sufficient knowledge of Nebraska’s geography:

“I think I can help them,” Akol told the Journal Star on Sunday. “I’m not familiar with everything, but I know they’re in the Big 12.”

Son, that’s more than enough to get you into a Husker jersey. Everything else you need to know, you can learn from Wakko.