Note: I’m off to Greece this week, trying to catch up with Josh Childress and maybe Travon Bryant.  Look for Patrick’s triumphant return soonish.

So, the season is really underway.  What the hell do we know?

1.  Heehee.

2. My-T-Sharp: In case the comment threads at Uni Watch have always been a bit much for you, Michigan and UCLA are both all-adidas schools.  While Herr Dassler’s basketball shoes have been fail lately (patent leather shell-toes?  really?)  I think we can agree that if these two programs were OMG SWOOSH schools, we wouldn’t have been treated to this:

Seriously, making it work.

3. Ew: The SEC, she’s not so good.

3b. Not Ew: Tennessee is not on basic cable enough for my liking.  It’s hard to imagine how they could be.  I may have developed a soft spot for these guys.  Stay tuned.

4.  A Broken Watch is Right Twice a Day: S.A. Smith is very, very right about Dave Robbins.  Send him (Robbins, not Smith) to Springfield.

5.  If You Don’t Go to U.Va., Please Please Please Go to a Major Media Market: Fairfax (CA, somehow) senior Renardo Sidney’s dad is, ahem, quotable: “They [MAH HOOS] understand the difference between a Big Mac and a Whopper with cheese . . . Big Macs are good for resumes, Whoppers with cheese bring home gold balls.”  I love it.  I just . . . I love it.  Please please please be a Hoo.  Someone in C’ville: find this kid’s dad a sinecure and some blogging software RIGHT GODDAMN NOW.

BONUS!!!!!oneone11!!twelve!!exclamation!!!!

6. GITCHA GUNS UP WOOOO!!!

See you fools Sunday.

GHOST OF GEORGE MARSHALL: Ashley Juuuuuudd!  I have a spoooky message to deliver from beyond the graaaaave!

ASHLEY JUDD: I don’t usually take messages from ghosts, but I’ll make an exception for a Nobel Prize winner!

GHOST OF GEORGE MARSHALL: Coooool! I’ll tell Fiiiiiiinemaaan Feeeeeyyynmaaaaan!

ASHLEY JUDD: Maybe just Peace Prizes?

GHOST OF GEORGE MARSHALL: Fair enough. By way of waaaaarning, Myrdal quite liked Simon Buuuurrurch.

ASHLEY JUDD: That sounds lovely! This is going to be just lovely!

GHOST OF GEORGE MARSHALL: You say that nooooow!

ASHLEY JUDD: Whatever. Mom’s going to be so proud! What message of peace do you have for me? Do you need me to share some plan for peace with the President-Elect?

GHOST OF GEORGE MARSHALL: Eh? No. My message is this: WOOOOO! RAH VIRGINIA MIL! IN YOUR FACE, RACECAR LADY! THAT’S MY RUNNIN’ ROOS!

A STORY YOU MIGHT BE TALKING ABOUT: Oregon State Beaver fans: Help/Hope is on the way! this is a change you can believe in: Beavers coach Craig Robinson has landed what SI calls a “program-changing” recruit in Roberto Nelson.  Nelson turned down UCLA, Florida, tOSU and others to go to Corvallis.  How did Robinson land the kid?  After piquing Nelson’s interest by signing a Compton Magic teammate, Robinson used what some might call an unfair tactic: he acted like a decent human being.  Just speculating here, but Gary Williams is probably not impressed.

I’ve fired my assistants THIS MANY times since halftime!

OTHER THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED:

HE RECRUITS? ARP ARP ARP: Tommy Amaker has been cleared of recruiting violations at Harvard.  This is important, as he can now get back to the important business of making excuses and not getting anything out of those recruits.

NAMELESS RICHMOND ASSISTANTS NOT SO LUCKY: Some Spiders coaches have resigned due to text-y recruiting violations.  Former UR President Bill Cooper called the former assistants “mush” and recommended that the school deal with the problem by raising tuition 31%.

THIS IS AN ACTUAL MAJOR-CONFERENCE BASKETBALL STORY.  APOLOGIES.  Former Tarhole Alex Stepheson is a USC Trojan, and could play as early as this coming season.

UNC-ASHEVILLE WILL NOT BE MAKING A CLOVERFIELD SEQUEL: Reigning Big South Defensive Player of the Year (and just gigantic dude) Kenny George is probably out for his senior season with an infected foot.  While you and I might get an infected foot and spend some time off work playing Halo, neither you nor I are 7 feet 7 inches tall, so our feet are under considerably less stress.  This must be an infection of the Michael Crichton variety; 35S wishes a speedy recovery to George.

In closing: Don’t say there’s nothing to do in the doldrums.  It’s just. Not. True.

Where have we been?  Minding our own business, and you?  We’ll try to make sure it doesn’t become a habit.

THE STORIES MOST ARE TALKING ABOUT

Coach K won a medal (with players who openly accept money for play, how gauche), Tom Crean got money (and cried himself to sleep), San Antonio got money (from the Final Four) and STOP THE PRESSES THE NCAA IS ON THE CASE!  Fire up the sirens and ready a perp walk!  Someone put a body on Jerry Tarkanian!   The NCAA is considering cracking down on “package deals.” This has nothing to do with calendars of your school’s water polo team, nor with East German Olympians*, it’s about the not-the-end-of-the-world-but-more-than-a-little-icky practice of hiring a kid’s coach as an inducement to get him to sign with your school (something we’ve touched on nyeah).  Now that the NCAA is on the case, I’m sure ACC and Big 12 schools will continue this practice without feeling any heat, and eventually an HBCU or a school in the Northeast with “St.” in its name will be put on probation when a coach puts his son on the team.  We can also be sure that Bob Ley is going to be deeply disappointed in someone.

What’s so bad about welding?  URI got to take Lamar Odom, fer chrissake!

THE STORIES I CARE ABOUT

Lars got dooced (impact: meh, for everyone but fans who only like sweaty white guys, and the bartenders at The Virginian, for whom this is an unmitigated disaster).  Tunji’s back (impact: yay, now that Lars is gone).  Will’s going to tranfer (impact: dammit, I liked that guy).  Jeff Jones gets money (the former coach, not the guard; that would be a much bigger story).  Dave Leitao plays golf, which is disppointing.  Golf’s nice and all, but let’s not confuse it with something men do.

*For my next post: what’s the deal with airline food? and how WASP-y is Vice President Bush?

Want to cut your teeth in the exciting field of college basketball? Yearn for less nightlife and more wildlife? The University of Alaska-Fairbanks* has an opportunity for you!

That’s right – for the low low price of civilization, you can start your career as an assistant basketball coach for our own UAF Nanooks! (It’s not racist, because we’re honoring the Inupiaq people, and besides, look at the cute bear!)

Now, we can hear you thinking – why does this job opening exist? Why would someone leave such a unique location? Well, you’ll be excited to know that our most recent assistant, after only ONE YEAR with our program, was able to parlay that experience into an opportunity to coach high schoolers sell insurance get the hell back to the Lower 48 move up the coaching ladder! Next year, that could be you!

But what awaits you in Alaska – besides fast-paced, high quality Division II basketball? Just look at the vibrant student life on our campus of nearly 10,000 students!

Porch sitting! (Note: hazardous anytime but August.)

Silly string fights!

Toothless shrooming!

And don’t forget our favorable female:male ratio!

Yes, all this an more awaits you at UAF – where careers can begin (and sometimes end in tragic ways)! Come for the basketball, stay for the seasonal effective disorder!

* – We should note that we’ve been to Fairbanks, and to UAF specifically, and they are both lovely if very, very cold. So, prospective coaches, fear not – but pack a parka or twenty.

Whoa. Whoa. WHOA. We wouldn’t say that we are disappointed at learning that CBS dismissed Billy Packer, but we are surprised – only because we expected Packer to let go of his microphone CBS-logo’d spew stick when it was pried from his cold, dead hands.

Sure, it’s easy to think that Packer wrote his own pink slip earlier this year when he announced that the KU-UNC national semifinal game was “over”, encouraging viewers to change the channel with seven minutes to go until halftime.

But we know that the heads at CBS made this decision with the heaviest of hearts. After all, how could they get rid of a guy who displayed so much passion for his job?

Or someone who worked so hard to stay on top of the evolving nature of the sport and its coverage?

Or the sense of professionalism and objectivity he brought to every broadcast?

But there is one thing we can all agree on – Packer, uniquely, understood his place in the history of the game:

So, while Packer “pursues other opportunities” in basketball – like finding that damn bowl of tapioca he set down a few minutes ago – we say, goodnight, sweet prince. The Democratic Blogfrican Republic of College Basketball won’t be the same without you.

Brandon Jennings made the seemingly-inevitable announcement yesterday that, regardless of how his third round of testing turned out, he would be heading to Europe next year rather than honoring his commitment to play for Arizona. Jeff Goodman speculates that recent delays by Jennings may have been a little disingenuous, and Lute Olson seemed more than glad to throw yet another person under the bus in the process. (But, in this case, who could blame him?)

Regardless, Jennings’ decision, combined with Jerryd Bayless leaving for the NBA, leaves a point guard sized hole in the Wildcat lineup. We’d hope that the Wildcats would bounce back from this loss, but frankly, over the last couple of years, the Arizona squads have shown that they have a lot of quit in them. So, we wonder if the ‘Cats should save everyone the trouble and follow Jennings across the pond.

Lute Olson? Can chase more crazy tail in his homeland of Norway.

Listen, honey – it’s lutefisk or Lute’s fist, one or the other.

Chase Budinger? Pro ball in the Netherlands, natch.

Somebody get that kid some Visine.

INDIANAPOLIS (AP) – In an announcement that shocked the world of college athletics and sent pundits scrambling for their keyboards, the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) revealed today that it is considering outsourcing its sports programs to other countries, and has already started pilot programs in college basketball to test the move.

“Outsourcing has been on our agenda for over four years,” said Brand, noting that the NCAA undertook extensive studies of the topic before starting the pilot programs this year. “In the beginning, we were really just thinking about merchandise and information management, but the more we explored the issue, the more we thought: why not the sports themselves?”

The pilot programs began play a few months ago in Southern India, as students from small colleges in Mangaluru, Bengaluru, Chalakudi, Goa and Chennai took on the monikers of similar schools from the Big Ten Conference, who willingly participated in the experiment. Bengaluru’s venerable law school became “Michigan”, while an engineering school in Goa became “Purdue”.

The outgoing commissioners of the Big East and Pacific 10 Conferences, Mike Tranghese and Tom Hanson, co-chaired the committee exploring athletic outsourcing. Though both commissioners admitted to being skeptical of the concept at first, both feel the move could improve college athletics.

“Let’s face it – as much as we like to say that college sports is about amateur athleticism, for the revenue sports like men’s basketball and football, it’s a business,” said Hanson from his office in Los Angeles. “Unfortunately, it’s a failing business.”

Hanson claims that, while many believe that ill-advised new stadiums built without sufficient private funding are the source of many school’s financial woes, labor costs are the actual culprit. Costs associated with players, including scholarships, tutoring, travel, hookers and hush money, have risen sharply over the past decade, suffocating all but the largest college athletic programs.

“If we could raise more money at the retail end, it would be one thing,” said Tranghese, famous for serving as the initial chair of the Bowl Championship Series that dramatically increased conference revenues from the end games of the college football season. “But we’ve bled that turnip to the point where we’re starting to get uncomfortable questions about torture practices. So we need to slash costs, and frankly, it’s got to come from the players. They’ve been getting the better end of the bargain for years now.”

After determining that player costs could not possibly be lowered domestically due to conference constitutions regarding athletes’ rights and United States labor law, the NCAA sought to understand the outsourcing phenomenon so popular in other businesses today.

“Northwestern”, actually a medical college in Mangaluru, battles “Ohio State”, a large industrial institute based in Chennai.

Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delany was glad to volunteer his conference as the first to attempt outsourcing its teams.

“Our stockholders – and by that, I mean myself and the university presidents benefiting from this crap – want us to explore any avenue possible to increase profitability,” said Delany. “We’ll work out the details down the end, but I couldn’t pass up the chance to put the Big Ten at the forefront of innovation.”

If the pilot program is adopted, each conference will pick a developing Asian country’s college to host its teams. The teams will then dress in the uniforms of their American counterpart, while playing each season’s regular season schedule in stadiums on their home campus. Scholarship athletes in the United States will only participate in post-season play.

When asked if he believed the move would hurt the fan experience, Tranghese pointed to the Bowl Championship Series as a sign that fans will follow a sport no matter what the NCAA does.

“Brand loyalty is lock-stock certain at this level – so, does it really matter who is wearing the brand?” said Tranghese. “Fans of college athletics have already shown a willingness to see past a player’s backgrounds – be it their race, where they are from, or their criminal record – if they can perform on the field. We see no reason why fans won’t adopt these foreign students as their own.”

“Besides,” added Hanson, “what dedicated fan wouldn’t look at a regular season game in Pusan, South Korea, and think that it was time for a road trip?”

The NCAA is expected to decide whether to adopt the outsourcing program in the next six to six hundred months.

So, it’s still a few months from the start of any relevant college season – what’s that? College World Series? Blow me. – so Eirishis and Orson need something to keep themselves off the streets and off the junk ’til August. The results are sometimes frightening. Today – in honor of the Top Chef semifinals (don’t pretend you didn’t watch), we staff our hypothetical restaurant kitchens with figures from college football and basketball, past and present.

First pick goes to Orson. Add your own picks to the comments, natch.

1. Orson – Herschel Walker. A full kitchen staff embodied in a single person.

eirishis – What happens when his internal sous chef starts battling with his internal chef d’cuisine over menu direction?

2. Eirishis – Chris Webber. Willing to bring soul food to any occasion, any location – even purgatory in SacTown.

orson – Issue: may get the number of orders wrong.
eirishis – And may get the restaurant shut down for acceptance of improper gifts of chicken and waffles.

3. O – Jim Tressel. Just look at the wardrobe and tell me the man doesn’t have an innate talent for making phenomenal crêpe suzette.

eirishis – Disagree. You think that man has a bottle of Grandma in his house? Sweatervest can’t take anything stronger than a daiquiri.
orson – You may disagree. But the sweater alone is capable of making all the mother sauces blindfolded.

Apparently this model only makes mayonnaise.

4. E -. While we’re doing coaches, Digger Phelps. Sure, every dish may remind you of 1974, but you can’t tell me anyone would outdo his plating and presentation.

5. O - Can I take former Oregon State offensive lineman Esera Tuaolo? No one knows good meat like he does.

orson – NTTAWWT.
eirishis – WOW.
orson – He knows both how to find it and what to do with it when he gets it.
orson – Plus gay guys are all over the restaurant industry. He’ll slide right in, so to speak.
eirishis – Ted Allen just called, he wants his schtick back.

6. E - Just for that – Magic Johnson. Has already opened several successful restaurants (OK, so they are TGI Fridays, but still). Ties in urban communities guarantee customers when franchising comes. And magical cure means he can help out in the kitchen worry-free.

7. O - And to parry: my next pick will be Pete Carroll to work the expediter’s station. Will keep everyone pumped, get the orders out on time, and help the crew WIN FOREVER.

eirishis – Only if the Song Girls are the servers.
orson – Deal.
orson – And Reggie Bush has to be the maitre’d taking cash to move people up the list.
eirishis – Clearly, with Leinart as the sketchy manager who bangs half the wait staff.
orson – He looks like some of the restaurant managers I know.
eirishis – He looks like some of the restaurant managers I worked for.
eirishis – No comment on whether I slept with him.
orson – Of course you did. Everyone does.

8. E - Since we’re on the subject of things and people I hate, I’ll cross sports and take Ron Powlus. Beano Cook insists he’ll win three James Beard awards before a single day in the kitchen.

9. O - I’ll cross over as well and choose Bill Raftery for my Italian restaurant thanks to his endless supply of ONIONS.

10. E - I’ll then take Dick Vitale, because if Rachael Ray’s fame has shown us nothing, it is that you can become a famous chef (er, cook, or whatever) simply by being annoyingly loud and Jersey.

eirishis – I want to lock them in a small room together until they to run out of oxygen.
orson – That’s what the walk-in is for.

11. O – Chris Fowler, whose exacting temperament and love of good wine makes him a soul-match for the Eric Riperts of the world. This broadcast was sauteed in truffle oil only! He’d throw a good fit, too.

eirishis – And my, he wears a turtleneck well. His first place has to open in Aspen, right?
orson – Aspen is so out. It’s all about Jackson Hole now.
eirishis – See, it’s too bad we already did Tuaolo.

12. E – Tim Duncan. Solid fundamentals. Proper balance of spice and formality for a proper seafood place in the South or the islands.

orson – He’s like a one-man “Great Chefs of the Caribbean”
eirishis – Coming this fall on DVD from Disney … [long pause] … crap, i can’t finish the joke.
eirishis – The combo of duncan and “pirates” is simply too banal to make funny.

13. O – Beano Cook. He’d make a great dishwasher, and in the event of a bar brawl, he’d kill men just for taking a swing at him.

eirishis – What do you think the odds are that Beano has killed a drifter or seven in his days?
orson – 1 to 1.

14. E - Crossing over again – former Oklahoma State QB Bobby Reid. Has an indispensible skill for our kitchen – the ability to make fried chicken, which he got directly from his momma, Jenni Carlson be damned.

orson – HE’S RESPECTFUL TO THE MEDIA
eirishis – THIS RESTAURANT REVIEW … HAD TO BE WRITTEN … BY SOMEONE WHO’S NEVER HAD A CHILD … THAT HAD THEIR PALATE BROKEN … AND COME HOME CRYING AND HUNGRY!

15. O - I reach across and draft Tyler Hansbrough. Like a good line cook, he excitable, likes to bang around with strangers, screams a lot, and can hold his hands to a live grill without flinching.

eirishis – Also, only possesses borderline competency with the English language.

16. E – John Calipari. Would open a dark, damp Italian restaurant that would scare you back into the 1940s. Menu would feature three superb dishes, extremely bland pastas, and a couple of seafood offerings that would be downright frightening. But the charm along would bring you back.

orson – “Sorry about the veal piccata. I just want you guys to have a real good time.”

17. O – Our head chef: Gus Johnson. I need someone with pipes and is very, very excitable.

eirishis – Tonight’s special – cauliflower ears. The chef’s experimenting this week.

18. E – Erin Andrews. Obvious choice as the hostess, but brings so much more to the restaurant, because she is good at everything, and you would order everything on her menu and [gurgle drool collapses into pile of goo because that's what bloggers do when talking about her.] Plus, it gives a cheap excuse to with a bag of chicken fingers.

Can we offer you a take-out bag?

orson – Dissenter! She’s a normal, fine lady. But she’s not making my plate of the day.
eirishis – How dare you betray the blog brotherhood! I thought we all agreed to this??
orson – Missed that memo.
eirishis – Happens with upper management.

19. O – Hm … we need someone to bribe the health officials … ah, Dave Bliss. He’d cover up those rat tracks in the tapioca, no problem.

20. E – Last pick is too obvious: Charlie Weis. Never trust a skinny chef, but always trust a fat Robot Genius whose menu offers a distinct schematic advantage over service academy mess halls.

orson – Plus turnover’s always a problem. A five thousand year contract will help keep that down.
eirishis – Job turnover? Sure. Apple turnover? Like that man doesn’t love phyllo dough.
orson – Like that man doesn’t cough up whole sheets of it when he’s ill.
eirishis – Like that man doesn’t wrap his wife in it for sex play.
orson – Ugh. I give, we’re done.

WINNAR.

Well, dammit. I knew it would come to this. I’ll smile for the cameras and say a few nice things about you in just a second, but I’ll be damned if I’ll be happy about it.

Don’t think I don’t know about y’all plains riders. We hear about you down in Crawford. Yeah, you … with your tallness and your skills and your stuff. I’m talking to you, Danny. You and your new group of Miracles think you can get away with this, but I promise we will take you down Ranger style. I got all these guys in black suits to help me. Texas is gonna rain some pain down on you, brother!

What’s that? You beat Texas three times? Boool-shit. No, really?

Well, dammit, I don’t even know what to think anymore. If my boys down in Austin can’t take care of a few loopers from the North, I’m not sure I want to say in the world we live in.

Wait – is that a ball? BALL!!!! YAY!!!!!!!

Bouncy!

Alright – the ball was a nice touch. Y’all might be OK. Maybe we can work something out.

Wait – y’all are from Can-saw? Man, Johnny is gonna have my ass. I hope this doesn’t mean that Obama kid from Kansas is gonna win in November. He doesn’t play with y’all, does he? No? Ah, right, them Carolina kids. Right.

Y’all can stay – just don’t mess with the flowers. Laura gets upset with me. And don’t mess with Texas.

[/rides into sunset]

We mistakenly appended this to the end of the roundup this morning – early morning + lack of coffee = editing mistakes – but it’s front page level disgusting, so we’ll repost it without shame. While putzing around, we found this lovely mailbag by David James, the lead sports anchor for KUTV, Salt Lake’s CBS affiliate. Sure, it’s two months old, but it helpfully dispels some misconceptions about our friends from LDS country:

1) The evangelical South and the Mormon West find common earth on bad grammar, as evidenced by this fine writer, but moral celebratin’ is a whole other matter:

BYU new slogan (One & Done) As a Ute Alum I am tired of the BYU fans talking trash about the Utes basketball program just because they happen to be down at the moment and saying that the Utes just want to be them, not true, if anything it is the other way around. At least when the Utes go to the dance they do more than just have cookies and punch, they actually dance. The Utes do not want to be BYU they want to get back to where they were and they will.

Utes dance? Scandal! Next they’ll tell us the punch was spiked, and that there were finger sandwiches in addition to those cookies.

2) Proper church lurnin’ aside, the pure minds of these fine folks are challenged by the same sins as all sports fans: common wisdom, blind loyalty, uncontrolled expectations and a colloquial tongue:

People don’t give a rat’s ass about MWC championships. The only thing that matters are BCS wins and NCAA wins. Does anyone care that UTAH lost to UNLV in 98? No they remember going to the final four! Beating Wyoming is something you are supposed to do. Beat someone you are not supposed to beat.

Truer words have never been spoken. In fact, if all of you haven’t beaten Wyoming today, we must ask: why do you hate freedom?

3) Nightmare fuel knows no religion. That’s the only explanation for why Messr. James shared this photo in the mailbag, and why we pass it along to you now:

Just plausible enough to not be a PS job – just frightening enough to keep us up tonight.