Or, if he is the Jimmy Swaggart type, maybe he will: according to an anonymous SEC coaching source close to George Dohrmann of SI, surviving as a coach in ESS-EEE-SEE territory requires more than just hitting the hardwood and your knees:

Coaching in the SEC requires “a moral flexibility,” as one coach terms it. “Most of the schools are willing to bend the rules to help get the recruits you need to win.”

Lawd have mercy! Devil done come down and stole the purity right out of them SEC coaches … or, something. Flexibility with your eight-man rotation and practice regimes we knew about, but who knew that coaching in Dixie required a man to do unspeakable acts he doesn’t talk about with his Momma at night?

We aren’t quite sure how Dohrmann justifies a quote that, in the context of the remainder of the article (tough coaching jobs), implies that only SEC coaches practice such moral flexibility, but there you have it. The article claims that other coaches view Mississippi State as the toughest coaching job in the conference. Given that Rick Stansbury has won 65% of his games (including 54% in conference) in ten years in Starksville, including one conference title and five trips to the Tournament, we’re not sure if his colleagues came to praise or bury him.

One thing, however, is sure – a quote so devious and yet so naively honest at the same time must have come from one of those carpetbagger coaches. Hmm … we need a Yankee … plenty of those … who is hateful brave enough to throw his in-conference colleagues under the bus … and chatty enough with the media that no one will suspect him of doing it anonymously. I dunno. Could the person responsible please raise his hand?

Just a guess.

No Christmas in Memphis this year.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
When Looking East Mean Going West.
Our father’s favorite phrase in our youth? “Never let the facts get in the way of a good story.” Useful for a budding lawya, sure, but more useful still for rumor mongering in the off-season.

Late Wednesday, a local reporter in Memphis reported on his blog (journalists! blogs! mass hysteria!) that Memphis was in serious negotiations with the Big East to join the megaconference. (HT: Eamonn.) And it was a report! He had sources and confirmation and everything! Good story!

But with a big enough stage, the absence of facts becomes too glaring – and when the President of U of M and a spokesman for the Big East both deny any such negotiations (laughingly, no less) – well, we think that our friend Matt Stark will be working at MyFoxMemphis or its equivalent for a little while longer.

Don’t get us wrong – Memphis to the Big East makes sense. The Tigers would balance the football schedule, and since the conference is already too big for basketball, what’s another team if they actually bring quality with the quantity? And since the conference has already shown their indifference towards geographic common sense and academic prowess, Memphis’ two major weaknesses pose no problem!

Alas – not to be. Rumor on, fellow soldiers – but on this point, Memphis and its fans are reduced to early ’90s easy listening.

THREE OTHER STORIES WORTH ONE LINE APIECE

Dan Jock-Itch Lands Six Figures – Unfortunately not as a salary for the still-unemployed Dakich, but as a settlement from Indiana, which apparently has a larger “hush money” budget than any public institution we’re familiar with.

So Lute Won’t Be Completely Lonely – Arizona finally breaks down and hires an assistant coach, poaching Russ Pennell from rival Arizona State and tabbing Mike Dunlap of the Denver Nuggets as the new heir to the throne – since it worked out so well the last time Olson picked a guy with primarily NBA experience as his successor.

This is Why We Hate Ratings – Ratings are nasty things – they lead to shows like Friday Night Lights scraping for a spot on DirecTV, and they lead to smarmy articles declaring the return of American Gladiators to be epic fail. If you can’t get behind Jet, Crush, and Rocket Ball … we don’t know what to tell you. Perhaps you should be subjected to this hot tranny mass.

From the sources developed over hours seconds of hard work by Eirishis and Orson, Thirtyfive Seconds is proud to announce the return of Blind Item Thursday!

WHICH PAC-10 HEAD COACH spent his adolescent years living the mean streets of South Central with only bread, water, and the ability to coax older and larger young felons to set pick as means to survive?

WHICH HORIZON LEAGUE COACH refused to take a call from a BCS conference school last week, saying that he was perfectly happy where he was and, why, no, he doesn’t need a few million dollars?

WHO IS THE MOUNTAIN WEST PLAYER that plans to leave school as soon as the season is over, not for the NBA, but to serve as a missionary to the heathen land of New York?

(… might well be all of them …)

WHICH MISSOURI VALLEY COACH spends his days figuring out ways to hack iTunes?

WHICH SEC COACH offered to lead his state’s National Guard in a border war if necessary?

(… is there any doubt?? …)

And now as a special bonus – BLIND ITEMS REVEALED!

WHO IS FORMER BIG TEN STAR will appear as the star of an erotic legal fiction series in an attempt to rehab his image in the public eye?

Revealed! It’s Isiah Thomas.

What, too soon? (HT on pic: Thomas.)

WHICH BIG EAST COACH, when pressed by his five year old nephew, told him A COMPLETELY INCORRECT AND UNFACTUAL ANSWER to the question “Why is the sky blue?”

Revealed! It’s Tom Crean of Marquette.

Because I commanded it, Timmy. Now go get Uncle Tom a Diet Pepsi.

WHICH ANNOUNCER once served in the MERCHANT MARINE AS A CRUSTY BUT LOVABLE NAVIGATOR before turning to a career in television following a savage PIRATE ATTACK?

Revealed! It’s Doris Burke of ESPN.

Servitude brought unspeakable acts. Do not ask.

WHICH SEC COACH has been seen recruiting at juvenile detention centers all over the southeast?

( …most of em…)

WHICH BIG EAST COACH refuses to implement the Triangle 2 defense because it’s “too faggy”?

WHICH FORMER GEORGETOWN COACH was recently forced to resign from his position as girl’s softball coach at a Washington area elementary school?

WHICH PRINCETON COACH wants to run his own motherfucking offense for once?

WHICH BIG EAST COACH eats his polish sausage in one bite without a bun or any sort of utensils?

WHICH BIG EAST COACH is simultaneously running the largest crime family in Philadelphia?

(Jay Wright…SHHHHHH!)

WHICH PAC 10 COACH thinks that AIDS can be transmitted through your dreams?

And for a bonus…BLIND ITEMS REVEALED!!!

WHAT IVY LEAGUE COACH…has every episode of “A different World” on VHS?

Blind item revealed! It’s Tommy Amaker.

WHAT C-USA COACH…appears in the World of Warcraft as a dwarf mage named Thundercock?

Blind item revealed! It’s John Calipari.

WHAT Big Ten Coach is prominently featured in a 1992 issue of High Times magazine?

Blind item revealed! It’s Thad Matta.

WHAT SEC COACH is best known for his cameo appearance on 1980s syndicated serial “Small Wonder?”

Blind Item revealed! Billy Donovan, who played Jamie’s robot “half-brother” in the 1984 episode “Half-brother Half-machine”

WHAT BASKETBALL ANNOUNCER is wanted for war crimes and tax fraud in South Africa in connection with his time as a mercenary in Angola in the 1970s and 80s?

Blind Item Revealed! It’s Dick Vitale.

Biowarfare, babeeee!