Today’s not-so-savory news comes to us courtesy of the case of The Drowsy Chaperone:

A year ago, the Toledo Rockets were thrust into the most unfortunate of spotlights, when former football player Scooter McDougle was implicated in a point-shaving scandal.

But, as everyone knows thanks to the Tarkanian years at UNLV, point-shaving is the preferred method of cheating on the hardwood, not the gridiron. Which made it practically no surprise at all when the U.S. Attorney’s continued investigation of point-shaving at U of T led them to former Rockets guard Sammy Villegas, who was formally charged in Detroit yesterday.

But the prosecutor’s bill of information seems to, well, get its information wrong. The feds claim that Villegas’ intentionally missed two free throws to fix a game against Central Michigan on February 4, 2006. But when Villegas missed those free throws, Toledo had already covered the published spread. So, unless there is something going on here that we don’t understand - and, since we don’t gamble on sports, we admit that the universe of shit we don’t know here is HUGE - we’re not quite sure how that game represents any kind of smoking gun against Villegas.

The bigger indictment against him (hardy har har legal wordz) might be the rapid decline in his play cited by The (Toledo) Blade - Villegas was the MAC Freshman of the Year in 2003, but his play deteriorated so quickly that his coach publicly wondered what happened (registration required for link).

We’ll let the U.S. Attorney do his own investigation, but … and we can’t be the only ones wondering this … doesn’t the federal prosecutor for Detroit, named only last year as the most vulnerable point of illegal entry into the U.S., have bigger fish to fry than a two-bit guard in a Mid-American Conference RICO scheme?

(HT: It’s MAC news, so you knew it had to be Chuck.)

Want to cut your teeth in the exciting field of college basketball? Yearn for less nightlife and more wildlife? The University of Alaska-Fairbanks* has an opportunity for you!

That’s right - for the low low price of civilization, you can start your career as an assistant basketball coach for our own UAF Nanooks! (It’s not racist, because we’re honoring the Inupiaq people, and besides, look at the cute bear!)

Now, we can hear you thinking - why does this job opening exist? Why would someone leave such a unique location? Well, you’ll be excited to know that our most recent assistant, after only ONE YEAR with our program, was able to parlay that experience into an opportunity to coach high schoolers sell insurance get the hell back to the Lower 48 move up the coaching ladder! Next year, that could be you!

But what awaits you in Alaska - besides fast-paced, high quality Division II basketball? Just look at the vibrant student life on our campus of nearly 10,000 students!

Porch sitting! (Note: hazardous anytime but August.)

Silly string fights!

Toothless shrooming!

And don’t forget our favorable female:male ratio!

Yes, all this an more awaits you at UAF - where careers can begin (and sometimes end in tragic ways)! Come for the basketball, stay for the seasonal effective disorder!

* - We should note that we’ve been to Fairbanks, and to UAF specifically, and they are both lovely if very, very cold. So, prospective coaches, fear not - but pack a parka or twenty.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
Parrish: “I Don’t Really Love Sports Anymore”

If you’re anything like us, there was one great mystery left unsolved in CBS’ decision to let Billy Packer go out to pasture - how on earth were they going to hold onto the dour curmudgeon demographic? Sure, the 18-24 kids are the advertiser’s wet dream, but a network like CBS can’t ignore its base of tapioca slurpers, can it? Without Packer, where were these viewers going to get the “darn kids these days” coverage they crave?

We should have known the network brass were smarter than us. Just like their ad revenue, CBS is simply moving their crass, disinterested reporting online, in the form of Gary Parrish. From an Q&A with 35S favorite A Sea of Blue:

I mean, sitting courtside at this years [sic] national title game [as a life-long Memphis fan] should’ve been one of the highlights of my life. But it wasn’t. I was indifferent to the whole thing, and I don’t say that in an attempt to prove I’m impartial. It kinda makes me sad, actually, because the main reason I wanted to be a sports writer was because I loved sports, and I don’t really love sports anymore.

Bravo, CBS. Bra-f’in-vo. Somewhere in LA, Bill Simmons is mouthing “I told you so”. Gary, put on some Eddie Vedder and let the indifference set in.

Three more headlines, including some Grade A fan gouging, after the jump:

(more…)

Working for a Fortune 500 company can be a drag. Sure, once you get to the top level you get money, perks, and fame*. But until that point, work can be a drag. Go to the office, sit down in your cubicle, keep your head down and hope that the paychecks keep coming.

But then comes the day that every corporate worker bee hopes for - the day that the the CEO of the company reaches out to you personally to say that you are doing a great job not just as an employee, but as a parent. So impressed is he, in fact, that he hopes that your child will attend his alma mater - all the way across the country.

Wait, wait - sorry, doesn’t that happen to everyone? You could have fooled Oseye Gaddy, since the customer service rep for FedEx got just such a phone call earlier this week from company CEO David Bronczek.

We share Gaddy’s joy in the well-deserved praise, and we’re certain that Bronczek’s choice to reach out to her personally had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Gaddy’s son, Abdul Gaddy, is a highly sought-after point guard in the recruiting Class of 2009, and that one of his top pursuers is Memphis, which happens to be Bronczek’s favorite local team**.

But just to be sure, those boy scouts in Memphis reported the phone call to the NCAA just the same - seems that boosters calling recruits is kinda-sorta-maybe a NCAA rules violation. Bronczek claims he was unaware of the restriction, which just shows that he didn’t watch very much college football in the early 1980s.

Meanwhile, Oseye will keep living the work-a-day life with her head held high. When you know that if you live right, work hard, and happen to parent an athletically gifted young man who becomes the (only slightly creepy) fancy of older, richer men, everything will work out just fine.

For Bronczek and his Memphis colleagues, though, they might want to figure out other ways to push Gaddy towards the Tigers - seems that a certain contingent on the interwebs already has him headed for Tuscon. Because we know how well young point guards mix with Lute Olsen.

* - By fame, of course, we mean “the ability to walk around with your d*** out in the office and the country club locker room, even if no one on the street knows who you are”.

** - Did we say “favorite local team”? We meant “chosen recipient of over $500,000 in athletic donations from Bronczek, and likely much more”.

Brandon Jennings made the seemingly-inevitable announcement yesterday that, regardless of how his third round of testing turned out, he would be heading to Europe next year rather than honoring his commitment to play for Arizona. Jeff Goodman speculates that recent delays by Jennings may have been a little disingenuous, and Lute Olson seemed more than glad to throw yet another person under the bus in the process. (But, in this case, who could blame him?)

Regardless, Jennings’ decision, combined with Jerryd Bayless leaving for the NBA, leaves a point guard sized hole in the Wildcat lineup. We’d hope that the Wildcats would bounce back from this loss, but frankly, over the last couple of years, the Arizona squads have shown that they have a lot of quit in them. So, we wonder if the ‘Cats should save everyone the trouble and follow Jennings across the pond.

Lute Olson? Can chase more crazy tail in his homeland of Norway.

Listen, honey - it’s lutefisk or Lute’s fist, one or the other.

Chase Budinger? Pro ball in the Netherlands, natch.

Somebody get that kid some Visine.

Brandon Jennings, the all-world recruit of Arizona slated to serve as a one-year replacement for one-year star Jerryd Bayless, made headlines last week by stating that he might play in Europe next year if he can’t qualify academically for NCAA play. Now, to the delight of the pro-labor opponents of the “one-and-done” rule, Jennings says that he might go to Europe regardless of whether he qualifies, since he only planned on spending a year in school anyway.

But as thousands of liberal arts majors learn the hard way each year, running away to Europe doesn’t solve all your problems stateside. As DeCourcy points out, why would a European club that won’t even play its own (read: controlled under multi-year development contracts) young players give big cash and PT to a one-and-done American kid?

If he chooses the European route, Jennings is essentially choosing to stand pat on his 2009 draft position, hoping that no one playing stateside - getting significant minutes and against better competition - passes him in the process. Seeing as how DraftExpress has him as next year’s #5 pick right now - maybe that’s not his worst choice.

But come on, Brandon - go to Tuscon for a year. If not for yourself, do it for Lute, who we swear is one more piece of bad news away from officially going batshit crazy (and, frankly, that piece of bad news could be a bad prune in his tapioca). And if you can’t even do it for Lute, for God’s sakes, do it for us. We were banking on getting at least a couple of jokes out of your stylin’ flattop.

Comic gold, Brandon. Don’t leave us hanging.

Rick Pitino: Phew. Recruiting season is over for the fall, so I can finally enjoy the summer a little bit before things get cranking again next month … make a few bucks on the speaker circuit, maybe work in a week back in Italy with the wife. But first, I gotta check in on my ponies down at the race track.

[walks into stable]

Pitino: Hey there, Val. Good horse. You want a carrot? You want a little nuzzle with Daddy Rick? Yeah … just you and me here now …

[stall door swings open]

Derrick Caracter: You better do that question thang!

Pitino: Shit.

(more…)

A friend gets an apartment. The apartment is in a shitty part of town, in a way-too-old-but-still-miraculously-meets-code building. Your friend KNOWS its a dump, but can’t stop talking about how good of a deal he got on the rent, how easy it is to park there, and how close it is to the subway. And, for that matter, the Subway, because that’s the only place to eat within a ten-block area.

Even McDonald’s got the hell out of here.

How do you handle this? You don’t want to avoid the friend - but you sure as sin avoid the apartment. “Come over and watch the game? Why don’t we try the new place downtown? Oh, and you are hosting a party? Yeah … I’m gonna be out of town.” And so forth. After a while, your buddy starts to wonder what’s going on. He might even get a little annoyed about it.

But then, eventually, he moves … maybe because the management encouraged him to leave, because he gets a little loud when he gets drunk, and he gets drunk a lot … and, voila! Suddenly, you’re back on his couch like a blonde co-ed looking for extra credit in Philosophy.

Transform into - COLLEGE BASKETBALL ANALOGY!

Bob Huggins spent two seasons in Columbus as an assistant coach for the Buckeyes. A few years later, he took over as head coach at Akron, and would occasionally schedule a game against his old employers. Then he took over at Cincinnati - and for sixteen years, no games between his squad and tOSU. “But, hey, maybe next weekend? Actually … wait, I’ve got conference games … well, we’ll figure something out.”

But Morgantown? Now that’s a neighborhood that Columbus can relate to! Sure, we’ll come over and watch some rasslin’! And come on over tonight … bring the new girlfriend.

Cincinnati - consider yourself insulted. In the meantime, it goes without saying that police in both states have already penciled the scheduled game dates into their calendars.

Is nice!

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
Late Recruits Give Ringing Endorsements

With the draft intrigue now long passed (well, unless Mbah a Moute doesn’t hire an agent, then goes undrafted, then returns to school … [sigh] … ), we return our attention to the players who actually want to play college basketball.

With the recruiting season all but finished, only a few big names from the juco ranks remained up for grabs - and boy, they all committed to their new schools with unbridled joy! Just look at these statements:

From Charles Garcia, Jr., the newest member of the Washington Huskies: “I just didn’t want to deal with the whole recruiting process,” he said. “I wanted to get it out of the way.” That’s the spirit! Go UW!

From Roburt Sallie, now a Memphis Tiger - which isn’t too bad considering that the only reason he was available now was because Nebraska - that’s right, NEBRASKA - was forced to boot him under Big XII rules due to an administrative error. “For some reason, God didn’t intend me to play for Nebraska. I was dedicated to them and I still wish today I’d have the opportunity to play for them because they’re great.” See? A Tony the Tiger reference! He’s gonna love Memphis! And it’s natural to be pining after your homely ex after you start dating the cheerleader!

Finally, Kentucky transfer Derrick Jasper finally determined where his new home would be - and it will be in the desert, playing for Lon Kruger’s squad in Vegas. His supporters say he wanted to be closer to his Cali home. UK fans think he might have been too soft for Lexington. We think, given the destination, the reason behind the transfer is more basic:

Four more headlines, including plenty of legal action for the week, after the jump.

(more…)

Hey, Gary? Can I have a word?

Hey, Gary? Yeah, it’s Tom Crean. Good to talk to you too. Oh, yeah, Joani is great. Looking forward to getting out your way this fall to see her brother with the Ravens. We should get together for dinner or something. Sure, Phillips would be great. Joani loves crabs!

Look, Gary, that’s actually not why I’m calling. I wanted to touch base after I heard about all the stuff you’ve been going through - the bad recruiting moves, the players transferring away, the struggles to make the tournament. Gosh, Gar, the local media really seems to be making a “woe is me” story out of this for you. And I just have to say - God, quit your f***ing whining.

Now, Gary, I hardly think that kind of language is called for. Hear me out.

You know how many players I have left from last year’s team at this point? TWO. And only one of them is on scholarship. I’m having to recruit members of the water polo team to fill out my roster. Water polo, Gary. Don’t bitch to me about needed to get guys from jucos.

And boo hoo, your athletic director doesn’t like the players you recruit. I JUST GOT HERE and the program is probably about to get slammed with sanctions because of the dickhead before me. I had to cancel a damn father-son camp so I could drag my ass out to Seattle for the compliance hearing. Gary, I don’t need to tell you that those camps are the best part of my job. The hours are light, the participants are all happy and grateful … it almost makes the rest of the job tolerable. And I had to cancel it. Did you have to cancel any of your camps, Gary? Huh?

You know what? Maybe you should go get crabs by yourself. And by that, I mean, go sleep with a hooker and get VD.

No, seriously, we feel terrible.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
Fear Pity the Turtle

If you are looking for a ticket out of College Park, best book early - some very tall gentlemen are taking up all the good seats. If you trying to get into town, however, feel free to browse - all seats are free.

In the wake of the Tyree Evans saga and the transfer of Gus Gilchrist, wouldbe bench player Shane Walker finalized his transfer by announcing his move up the road to Loyola. If you are keeping score at home, that’s -1 outside shooter, -2 post players, and +3 open scholarships for Gary Williams.

But with the recruiting well for the coming season now dry and expected stud Sean Mosley struggling to qualify academically, the Terps may be down to nine scholarship players for next year. Williams’ options to fill out the roster: more land mine ju-co transfers, unsigned risks who can’t qualify academically or physically, or walk-ons. All are terrible choices for Williams; all are fantastic possibilities for those of us who love watching Maryland and Williams squirm.

The roster problems come on the heels of a rough stretch for the Terps … [snickers under his breath] … having missed the tournament three of the last four years . The program’s struggles seem strange, given that Maryland won the national championship only six years ago - which was so forever ago that Juan Dixon is now collecting Social Security.

But perhaps there is now a six year curse. Six years after winning 2000 title, Michigan State lost to lowly George Mason in the first round. 1999 champ UConn got upset in the 2nd round by NC State in 2005. As for 2001 champ Duke … ugh:

Four more headlines, including some moderately NSFW work, after the jump.

(more…)

Or, if he is the Jimmy Swaggart type, maybe he will: according to an anonymous SEC coaching source close to George Dohrmann of SI, surviving as a coach in ESS-EEE-SEE territory requires more than just hitting the hardwood and your knees:

Coaching in the SEC requires “a moral flexibility,” as one coach terms it. “Most of the schools are willing to bend the rules to help get the recruits you need to win.”

Lawd have mercy! Devil done come down and stole the purity right out of them SEC coaches … or, something. Flexibility with your eight-man rotation and practice regimes we knew about, but who knew that coaching in Dixie required a man to do unspeakable acts he doesn’t talk about with his Momma at night?

We aren’t quite sure how Dohrmann justifies a quote that, in the context of the remainder of the article (tough coaching jobs), implies that only SEC coaches practice such moral flexibility, but there you have it. The article claims that other coaches view Mississippi State as the toughest coaching job in the conference. Given that Rick Stansbury has won 65% of his games (including 54% in conference) in ten years in Starksville, including one conference title and five trips to the Tournament, we’re not sure if his colleagues came to praise or bury him.

One thing, however, is sure - a quote so devious and yet so naively honest at the same time must have come from one of those carpetbagger coaches. Hmm … we need a Yankee … plenty of those … who is hateful brave enough to throw his in-conference colleagues under the bus … and chatty enough with the media that no one will suspect him of doing it anonymously. I dunno. Could the person responsible please raise his hand?

Just a guess.

WINNAR.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
Dear Cancer: Die. Love, Coaches

We normally struggle to make light of potentially fatal diseases - even we have depths to which we won’t stoop, much to the surprise of our wife - but we do call the lede “the story everyone is talking about,” and the news late Friday that UConn coach Jim Calhoun once again had cancer qualifies for such title.

Calhoun had already beat cancer twice - prostate cancer in 2003 and skin cancer in 2007 - by catching it early (good for cancer and chicken pox; bad for gonorrhea). This time, he alerted his doctor to a growth on his neck that was determined to be squamous cell cancer. Growth removed, radiation administered, and four weeks later, scans show his lymph nodes and skin to be cancer-free.

Upon hearing the news, Duke’s Mike Krzyzewski expressed relief - not only that his colleague was safe and would return to the sidelines, but also because Cancer’s third consecutive loss to Calhoun in a championship round gave it a slightly worse record than Coach K’s own 0-2 against Calhoun in games that count. (Not that we’re bitter.)

(more…)

35S: Uplifting and Informative.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
And Sometimes You Get Lucky

After yesterday’s legal-heavy day, we thought we would take the roundup into the weekend with the happier stories from this week. Odd though it may be, the happiest story broke last night, as incoming Louisville center Clarence Holloway found out he would never suit up for the Cardinals.

UK fans likely would this was good news on its face - hardy har har Rick Pitino sux har har - but in this case, Holloway’s basketball career was brought to an end by a series of medical problems, including a leak in his aortic valve and a rare muscle condition known as Marfan Syndrome:

“God works in mysterious ways,” said U of L Coach Rick Pitino. “Clarence developed a stress fracture his senior year [of high school], which kept him sidelined and probably saved his life. Detecting his heart condition and the subsequent surgery when he arrived at U of L was also a life-saving measure. Now, after this special testing, we know that the condition he has will make him unable to play basketball for the rest of his life. He will now begin a new journey, which will hopefully lead him to gaining a very strong education here at U of L and to prosper in a different walk of life. We’re behind him 100 percent.”

(HT: Fanhouse.) Obviously rough news for young Clarence, but obviously good news that they caught both conditions early so treatment and monitoring can begin before something terrible happens. Good on you, Mr. Holloway, and best wishes as you begin a non-basketball life.

And now, some requisite rock to get pumped for the remainder of the roundup.

(more…)

School: North Carolina, Junior.

Basketball Position: Sixth Man.

Life Position: Little Man Syndrome.

Vitals: 6′6, 210lb., 140lbs of which is ego.

2007-2008 Statistics: 11.5 PPG, 4.9 RPG, 1.2 BPG and SPG, as many assists as turnovers. Accounted for about 10% of the Tar Heels’ offensive and defensive statistics and 95% of their pre-game dancing.

Pros: Textbook sixth man. Could defend any college player. Reliable energy spark off the bench. Not afraid to drive the lane. Pretty good behind the arc (37.3%) and at the stripe (87.3%). Fan favorite for many things, mostly for posterizing Greg Paulus. (You’ll need to click through. We’re not posting that picture. No way, no how.

Cons: Textbook ‘tweener. Unclear whether he can defend any NBA player. Never started, and no one thought he should have. Will get destroyed if he drives the NBA lane against bigger defenders. Can’t create his own shot. May request leave from team to audition for So You Think You Can Dance.

(more…)