Thanksgiving in Maui – perfect.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
Key Preseason Tournaments Announce Matchups

If the NFL preseason has taught us anything – unlikely at best, but roll with us for a minute – it is that “meaning” does not guarantee priority viewing. Preseaon NFL games may be both meaningless and poor in quality, but they’re still more entertaining to watch than Game #120 in the MLB season. (And, jeez, we actually like baseball.)

But that dirty secret is a double-edged sword, and it cuts football harshly around Thanksgiving. As anyone who has suffered through watching the Lions with a belly full of tryptophan should admit, the best sports on television during the Week of the Bird has nothing to do with a pigskin. Nay, it is the exempt preseason college hoops tournaments – they of the meaningless games and odd locales – that take the cake. And the pie. And whatever other deliciousness is left in the Thanksgiving cornucopia of metaphor.

The WWL released the schedules for three of this season’s premier exempt tourneys, and each features a few can’t miss early season matchups:

In Maui – Trendy pick Notre Dame faces off against Tom Crean’s Indiana(ish) squad, but undisputed preseason #1 North Carolina leads the field and will face host Chaminade in their first game. Given the air of infallibility surrounding this UNC team, pardon us if we cheer for the Silverswords to … ya know, pull a Chaminade.

In Anaheim – In its second year, tWWL’s own tournament might be labeled the Up-and-Coming Classic. Wake Forest, coming off a Top 10 recruiting class, will face the defending Big West champs and hosts Cal State Fullerton. The winner takes on a field consisting of former bottom-dwellers like Baylor and Arizona State, punched up with solid mid-majors like Saint Mary’s and Charlotte.

In Orlando – Also owned by tWWL but with two years of history, the Old Spice Classic pulls in an impressive field of solid teams from last year with major question marks. Tennessee post-Chris Lofton? Georgetown post-Roy Hibbert? Siena trying to become the new Gonzaga? Gonzaga trying to do better than … ya know, Gonzaga? This is literally anyone’s tournament. All we know is that Neil Patrick Harris better be there.

Three more headlines, including a lot more travel for teams and coaches, after the jump

THREE STORIES WORTH A FEW LINES APIECE

Places WAY Better Than Maui, and That’s Saying Something – Like Spain and Australia, where Cleveland State and Purdue (respectively) will spent the last part of their summer vacations, tuning up for next year. Maybe the basketball competition isn’t quite as strong, but what a travel experience for these young men. And by travel experience, we mean WOOOOOOT NUDE BEACHES AND DECENT BEER WOOOOOOOT.

Oh, We Could Think of a Few Things – Travis Ford says nothing has surprised him since coming to Stillwater from UMass earlier this year. Which is the nice political thing to say, but we imagine the answer he kept between his ears was, “Christ, if I wanted to hear nothing but country music and drink nothing but bourbon while driving down the road, I would have just gone back to Kentucky.” (Not that we condone DUIs, but OSU has a bit of a record.)

Speaking of Booze and Hoops – Because this is clearly an area where coaches have great moral authority, it makes total sense that coaches would call on the NCAA to ban alcohol advertisements from college broadcasts. No word on whether Bill Clyde, Huggy Bear, Eddie Sutton or any of the other dozens of coaches who have been pulled for DUIs despite being of-age, in public positions, and for God’s sakes KNOWING BETTER signed the letter.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
Parrish: “I Don’t Really Love Sports Anymore”

If you’re anything like us, there was one great mystery left unsolved in CBS’ decision to let Billy Packer go out to pasture – how on earth were they going to hold onto the dour curmudgeon demographic? Sure, the 18-24 kids are the advertiser’s wet dream, but a network like CBS can’t ignore its base of tapioca slurpers, can it? Without Packer, where were these viewers going to get the “darn kids these days” coverage they crave?

We should have known the network brass were smarter than us. Just like their ad revenue, CBS is simply moving their crass, disinterested reporting online, in the form of Gary Parrish. From an Q&A with 35S favorite A Sea of Blue:

I mean, sitting courtside at this years [sic] national title game [as a life-long Memphis fan] should’ve been one of the highlights of my life. But it wasn’t. I was indifferent to the whole thing, and I don’t say that in an attempt to prove I’m impartial. It kinda makes me sad, actually, because the main reason I wanted to be a sports writer was because I loved sports, and I don’t really love sports anymore.

Bravo, CBS. Bra-f’in-vo. Somewhere in LA, Bill Simmons is mouthing “I told you so”. Gary, put on some Eddie Vedder and let the indifference set in.

Three more headlines, including some Grade A fan gouging, after the jump:

THREE STORIES WORTH A FEW LINES APIECE

Now Available at Concessions: Snake Oil! – Last month, Drake’s athletic department announced price increases for basketball season tickets along with new PSL requirements for high-priced seats. Which makes perfect sense, given their surprising run to the Valley title, a first round loss, the departure of a beloved legacy coach for Providence, and the graduation of 60% of your point production. When the stock’s on the rise, the fans will wanna can be forced to invest!

Trent Johnson Better Really Like The Food in Baton Rouge – Look at the bright side, Trent – you’ll have time to finish setting up your new home. Taking a page from Duke’s oh-so-successful profitable book, the Bayou Bengals will be playing only two non-conference road dates, if you count a neutral site game against Texas A&M in Houston as a road game. (And we do!) When asked whether his new team needed to geaux on the road a bit more often to prepare for the tournament, Johnson showed his readiness for the LSU job by responding, “ESS-EEE-SEE SPEEEEEEEEEEEED!!”

Even We Aren’t Tasteless Enough to Make Refugee Jokes – John Riek, a coveted Sudanese center, committed to Cincinnati over the weekend, but won’t be available until the new year while he nurses a detached ACL. We’d wonder if Riek is disappointed to play college hoops after he originally declared for the draft, but at Cincinnati, we’re not entirely sure there is a difference.

Meanwhile, Teeng Akoi, a 6′11″ forward also from Sudan, is shopping middle America after failing to qualify academically at South Florida. Nick Saban may laugh at that concept, but for a foreign student, Akoi seemed to show sufficient knowledge of Nebraska’s geography:

“I think I can help them,” Akol told the Journal Star on Sunday. “I’m not familiar with everything, but I know they’re in the Big 12.”

Son, that’s more than enough to get you into a Husker jersey. Everything else you need to know, you can learn from Wakko.

The mood music for this week’s final post, courtesy of Violent Femmes:

Sure, this might be a month old, but if Gary Williams lives by “better late than never”, then so shall we. While most teams are finalizing their recruiting Class of 2009 and getting started on 2010, Williams is still scrambling to find 12 guys to suit up for this season. Seems like he could just walk the streets of Baltimore with a pack of Cluck-U Chicken certificates, but what do we know?

Speaking of additions to the ACC, Raleigh jock-talk host Joe Ovies looked at the five-year results of the ACC’s expansion to 12 teams. Basketball? Meh. Profit? ¡Sí! Thanks to new football revenue, the nine pre-existing members of the conference can’t hear your complaints about the drop in basketball quality, what from all the money they are bathing in.

In a much more sad development, Jamar Smith has been kicked off of the Illinois basketball team after violating his probation. Eamonn reported Smith’s off-court woes with proper due diligence, but we’ll chime in to say that Smith appears to have a problem of some variety – might be booze, might be mental, might just be a case of incredibly immaturity. Whatever it is, we hope he gets help.

Meanwhile, his departure leaves the Illini in rebuilding mode for another year. Somewhere at New York’s offices, a emo-banged gentleman is crying in his drink.

Gin-and-tonic, or pure tears? Also, we actually believe he wears a tux to work now.

Wondering if a zebra is on the take? Our friends at A Sea of Blue point out that, with so many off-court relationships between refs and teams, you might be right – and the NCAA might be a-OK with the relationship. Nico Bellic doesn’t see what the big deal is.

Finally, Matt Smith at Bleacher Report believes he has found the evil among us, and it is a 17-year-old at a prep school in North Carolina. John Wall, previously known to college football fans as Mitch Mustain, is the number 1 point guard in the Class of 2009 – which makes his decision to attend Baylor make oh-so-much sense. Oh, wait, they hired his AAU coach as the “director of player development”? Must have been a coincidence.

Have a great weekend, folks, good to be back.

We’re not sure what is in the water in Lexington, but something about ties to Kentucky makes a coach yearn for the company of barely adolescent boys. After current UK coach Billy Gillespie’s child-chasin’ forced the National Association of Basketball Coaches to “strongly” encourage college coaches to stop seeking and accepting commitments from players before they finished their sophomore year, current Florida coach (and former UK assistant) Billy Donovan accepted the commitment of a player who just finished his freshman year.

In fairness to Donovan, the newly-tagged Gator in question is hardly the type of spring (swamp) chicken the recruiting covenant was meant to protect – he is Austin Rivers, the youngest son of one Glenn Anton “Doc” Rivers of Boston, Mass., formerly of JustwontheNBAtitle-ville. Still, Donovan essentially pooped in the hat of the NABC by hitting the candy store recruiting trail only two weeks after the NABC’s decision came down.

But because he’s Billy Donovan and has won two national titles, and you are not, no criticism for the blatent flimflamming has come his way. Needless to say, the Kentucky faithful are less than pleased at the double standard, after taking more than their fair share of crap for Billy Clyde’s junior high skeeziness.

It’s really too bad that the NABC has no teeth whatsoever. We would have paid good money to see JTIII enforcing the new policy in a very NSFW fashion upon Messr. Donovan.

I’m thrilled, just thrilled, to announce that I’ve signed a contract extension to stay at UCLA through the 2014-15 season. It’s a real honor to be able to stay on here in Westwood, even after three straight Final Fours, given the way things started out here. And yes, before you can ask … they did right by me with the figures. I’ll be financially secure while remaining a Bruin, and that’s very comforting for my family and me.

But, frankly, $2 million a year was just frosting on the cake. Rich, delicious frosting to be sure, but that wasn’t why I signed the extension. I could get money coaching on the street. (And I have!) But what really made this deal special for me, as a native Californian, was that UCLA showed that they truly want me to feel like a part of the community here in Los Angeles.

And offering me my own gang – well, that was just a special, make-you-feel-at-home offer I couldn’t refuse.

And you know, about damn time. Fourteen years of coaching tough man-on-man defense, and no one knew until now that what I really wanted was to supervise tough man-on-man violence? What, I wasn’t tough enough? Come on now. So, seriously, to Dan Guerrero and everyone at the Athletic Department – thanks for making this happen.

I guess the only thing we need to work out is a gang sign. This is new territory for me – I’ve been a leader of young men before, but they were always wearing uniforms, so I didn’t need a special symbol to differentiate my boys from everyone else. Hm. Let’s try a few out.

Oh, this is the money sign. Come on, who wouldn’t love this? ‘W’s with each hand to show who the winner is. [hears murmurs from press corps] What do you mean it’s already taken? Jesus Christ, I gotta start listening to more hip hop.

Not bad, not bad – definitely unique, though it might be tough to see from a distance. Just need to gently holding the thumb, pointing just so between the primary and second knuckles on my right … DAMMIT, KID, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? YEAH, YOU IN THE BLUE. HOLD THE THUMB AND POINT. DON’T JUST … ah, dammit, this isn’t gonna work. I need something that the dumbest 12-year-old in West L.A. can sign so I don’t accidentally shoot them in the face.

DONE. Simple, clear, and this way my boys when to come home to talk to Daddy Ben.

OK, good, good and productive day here, guys. I gotta go recruit.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT

Wait a second … that doesn’t seem right after several days off … let’s try that again:

ALL THE CRAP THAT’S HAPPENED IN THE LAST WEEK

That’s better. Quick roundup of the biggest stories, with a little link love for our brother blogs:

Paul Hewitt Stands Tall, States the Obvious

At last week’s meeting of the Knight Commission (the body studying academic standards for NCAA athletics), Georgia Tech coach Paul Hewitt earned a lot of press by voicing controversial, even shocking, opinions about all that is wrong with the current student-athlete model. Radical stuff, like “Eligibility rather than academic growth has become our biggest concern”, and “Agents are turning college campuses into the Wild West.” Whoa, whoa, Paul … drop one bomb at a time, baby, we weren’t prepared. Hang on, we’ll sit down. OK, go on:

“While I like to see everyone who reaches college earn a degree,” Hewitt said, “we need to find more effective ways to achieve our goals. I do have a problem with putting numbers out there, saying ‘Meet these numbers or else. You’re turning education into a race.”

Phew … radical, radical man. You’re lucky you didn’t lose your job for saying crazy stuff like that.

Of course Hewitt is right, and we all know he’s right – it’s just that no one in the powers that be care, since they can’t hear him over the sound of cash registers. And Hewitt had some thoughts about that as well:

[Hewitt] said he’d like to see basketball become a one-semester sport and that coaches overall would like to see a shorter schedule, but he admitted it’s “not going to happen” because of the lucrative television money that comes from playing more games, even in early November.

Whoa, Paul – we were with you right up until you suggested cutting games. We have a habit to feed, you know. Crazy talk like that will get us back on the harder junk.

Three more headlines, including more delicious statement of the obvious, after the jump: THREE STORIES WORTH A FEW LINES APIECE Spin – It’s Not Just for Politics! – Ohio’s athletic director is just jacked – we mean, Pete Carroll level jacked – to find a new coach. You know, after their previous coach left for Bryant University, a school in Rhode Island that hasn’t joined Division I yet, and which we had to look up to ensure it existed. Understatement Doesn’t Suit Us – Mike Miller has been doing an interesting weekly series over at MSNBC ranking the greatest college hoops programs. We’ve roundly enjoyed them, right up until he reviewed our alma mater at #16. We don’t challenge the ranking … we challenge his assertion that the program suffered only a “slight dip” under Craig Escherick. You mean, our version of [NAME REDACTED]? Did we watch the same teams? O Rly? – Mike DeCourcy says that Duke’s recruiting has suffered in recent years thanks to Coach K’s summer job with USA basketball. You don’t say.

A friend gets an apartment. The apartment is in a shitty part of town, in a way-too-old-but-still-miraculously-meets-code building. Your friend KNOWS its a dump, but can’t stop talking about how good of a deal he got on the rent, how easy it is to park there, and how close it is to the subway. And, for that matter, the Subway, because that’s the only place to eat within a ten-block area.

Even McDonald’s got the hell out of here.

How do you handle this? You don’t want to avoid the friend – but you sure as sin avoid the apartment. “Come over and watch the game? Why don’t we try the new place downtown? Oh, and you are hosting a party? Yeah … I’m gonna be out of town.” And so forth. After a while, your buddy starts to wonder what’s going on. He might even get a little annoyed about it.

But then, eventually, he moves … maybe because the management encouraged him to leave, because he gets a little loud when he gets drunk, and he gets drunk a lot … and, voila! Suddenly, you’re back on his couch like a blonde co-ed looking for extra credit in Philosophy.

Transform into – COLLEGE BASKETBALL ANALOGY!

Bob Huggins spent two seasons in Columbus as an assistant coach for the Buckeyes. A few years later, he took over as head coach at Akron, and would occasionally schedule a game against his old employers. Then he took over at Cincinnati – and for sixteen years, no games between his squad and tOSU. “But, hey, maybe next weekend? Actually … wait, I’ve got conference games … well, we’ll figure something out.”

But Morgantown? Now that’s a neighborhood that Columbus can relate to! Sure, we’ll come over and watch some rasslin’! And come on over tonight … bring the new girlfriend.

Cincinnati – consider yourself insulted. In the meantime, it goes without saying that police in both states have already penciled the scheduled game dates into their calendars.

Final update of the day, but we start it with a pop quiz, because we’re feeling all multiple-choicy today thanks to our bar studies:

Three major players are left to decide their draft status. (A) is slated to go in the late first round. (B) is projected to go in the early in the second. Most analysts say (C) will go undrafted. Only one of them decides to return to school. Who would you lay your money on to return to school?

If you guessed (C), you would make a logical choice. But the draft, much like the bar exam, has absolutely nothing to do with logic – which is why the correct choice is (A), and the correct player is woulda-coulda first rounder Chase Budinger of Arizona.

Budinger was leaning towards going pro as late as last night, but apparently had a change of heart. Score this as a huge get for Lute Olson and the Wildcats, who now return an experienced squad with the only major change being the swap of one freshman point guard (Jerryd Bayless, a secure Top-10 pick) for another (All-World recruit Brandon Jennings). But damn if it doesn’t seem strange.

As for the two going pro, the first off the decision block was Cal’s Ryan Anderson, who DraftExpress has going in the early 2nd round. It stands to reason that Anderson felt his stock couldn’t go much higher, considering he led the Pac-10 in scoring and nearly averaged a double-double in his second season.

For expert, non-race neutral advice!

Anderson’s decision to turn pro was evidently finalized after a family movie night , featuring “The Courtship of Eddie’s Father”. In case you are unfamiliar with the movie – and golly, why wouldn’t you be? – IMDB sums up a key plot point:

Eddie shows open disdain for [his father's new girlfriend], solely because she has squinty eyes like all the “bad” girls in the comic books.

See? The movie told Anderson learned that Asian people are bad, so he needed to get out of the Bay Area as fast as possible! It all makes sense now!

Oh, 1960s culture – how we miss your blatant use of stereotypes to make a joke AND a point.

[/sarcasm]

Our final early entrant from the major programs – Luc Richard Mbah a Moute of UCLA, who will reportedly remain in the draft and hire an agent this week. We report this with no shortage of regret, because as Mbah a Moute will likely go undrafted and had a great gig back in Westwood, we meant to write a Profile in Hubris on him last week. Considering that every other player so treated dropped out of the draft … well, damned if we won’t feel a bit responsible if next Thursday is a long night for Luc. Bruins fans, feel free to blame us. (Once you are done blaming SMQ, anyway.)

With the 5pm deadline now in the rearview, all other players are presumed to remain in the draft, and are therefore dead to us. Below, the list of players continuing their college careers:

Definitely Returning to School

A.J. Abrams, Texas
Josh Akognon, Cal State Fullerton
Antonio Anderson, Memphis
Chase Budinger, Arizona
DeMarre Carroll, Missouri
Josh Carter, Texas A&M
Darren Collison, UCLA
Lee Cummard, BYU
Wayne Ellington, UNC
Alonzo Gee, Alabama
Danny Green, UNC
Stefon Jackson, UTEP
Ty Lawson, UNC
Leo Lyons, Missouri
Jerel McNeal, Marquette
Josh Shipp, UCLA
Ronald Steele, Alabama
Robert Vaden, UAB
Lorrenzo Wade, San Diego State

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
IU Gets Their Day in Court, For Good or for Ill

Perhaps a little too far with the hyperbole, no?

The long-awaited trial is finally coming. For months, we witnessed the gathering of evidence, heard public statements from shady characters in the saga, questioned the competency of the prosecution, and wondered if the right verdict and punishment would be handed down. Yes, for months we watched a noxious stew of sports and justice with a tinge of racism.

But today is the day the trial of O.J. Simpson will finally start.

Wait, wait … damn Google News, why do you display stories that are 14 years old? Unlike Billy Clyde, we’re not interested in things born in 1994.

[adjusts tie] Ahem. Let’s start over.

All that stuff in the first paragraph? Still true. The only changes: the trial is before the NCAA Committee on Infractions, with Indiana University and Kelvin Sampson playing the role of the Juice. And don’t try to tell anyone in Bloomington that the stakes are lower. For Hoosier fans, this trial – considering all that has already happened and punishment likely to be levied – is about the murder of IU basketball.

Mark Alesia of The Indianapolis Star has an excellent summary of the charges against IU and the procedure for the hearing. His colleague Bob Klapisch does his best Daniel Day Lewis, predicting there will be blood in the Athletic Department in the fallout from the trial. And our friends at Inside the Hall will have open thread coverage of the hearing all day.

There is a silver lining to this – no Court TV, and no Nancy Grace. At least we hope not, since she doesn’t exactly have the best record on cases involves college athletics.

Three more headlines, including some mid-major love for the weekend, after the jump.

THREE STORIES WORTH A FEW LINES APIECE

Whellistan Is Already Drooling at the Gas Savings Alone – A novel solution to the current scheduling problem for next year’s America East and MAAC conference tournaments – screw it and play them in Albany at the same time.

Because If You Can’t Get on TV, You Might As Well Not Exist – The always grand Mike DeCourcy sits down with the new commissioner of the Atlantic-10, Bernadette McGlade. The whole interview is worth reading, but this nugget killed us:

Last March, living in an Atlantic 10 city (Cincinnati) and subscribing to just about every satellite and cable package that could expand the college basketball available to my household (ESPN FullCourt, FOX College Sports, CSTV, DirecTV Sports Pack), I could not watch any A-10 tournament games except those involving Xavier and the title game shown on ESPN.

Mike – please inform us as to how you get away with such a plush cable arrangement without ending your marriage. We need all the tips we can get.

Welcome to the Valley – The Ohio Valley Conference has inked its newest member, as Southern Illinois University-Edwardsville makes the jump to Division I to join the conference. Sadly for the Cougars, they still don’t win the award for “Most Comically Long Public School Name in Division I”. That award has, does, and always will belong to Indiana University-Purdue University Indianapolis, and you can give up your hopes and dreams for it now.

Hey, Gary? Can I have a word?

Hey, Gary? Yeah, it’s Tom Crean. Good to talk to you too. Oh, yeah, Joani is great. Looking forward to getting out your way this fall to see her brother with the Ravens. We should get together for dinner or something. Sure, Phillips would be great. Joani loves crabs!

Look, Gary, that’s actually not why I’m calling. I wanted to touch base after I heard about all the stuff you’ve been going through – the bad recruiting moves, the players transferring away, the struggles to make the tournament. Gosh, Gar, the local media really seems to be making a “woe is me” story out of this for you. And I just have to say – God, quit your f***ing whining.

Now, Gary, I hardly think that kind of language is called for. Hear me out.

You know how many players I have left from last year’s team at this point? TWO. And only one of them is on scholarship. I’m having to recruit members of the water polo team to fill out my roster. Water polo, Gary. Don’t bitch to me about needed to get guys from jucos.

And boo hoo, your athletic director doesn’t like the players you recruit. I JUST GOT HERE and the program is probably about to get slammed with sanctions because of the dickhead before me. I had to cancel a damn father-son camp so I could drag my ass out to Seattle for the compliance hearing. Gary, I don’t need to tell you that those camps are the best part of my job. The hours are light, the participants are all happy and grateful … it almost makes the rest of the job tolerable. And I had to cancel it. Did you have to cancel any of your camps, Gary? Huh?

You know what? Maybe you should go get crabs by yourself. And by that, I mean, go sleep with a hooker and get VD.

You’ll see. You’ll all see.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
Caution: Genius Recruiting at Work

Little of the news coming out of Lexington this offseason has made a lick of sense. We’ve already done some serious noggin’ scratching when Billy Gillispie inked a kid who hasn’t even started high school yet, but ol’ Billy Clyde may have one upped himself with his latest switcheroo:

First, UK loses its third player to transfer in six months, as guard Derrick Jasper confirmed his intent to transfer to a school that will let him play closer to his natural homes on the West Coast and at the point. UK now has to hope that incoming frosh DeAndre Liggins can qualify academically – he’s only been trying all year – or they kinda sorta don’t have a point guard for next year.

But don’t you fret, brave UK fan – Billy Clyde has a diabolical plan. Didn’t get all the way from El Paso to bluegrass in less than four years without cyborg-level genius that goes way beyond your level. And that genius tells him to sign up a transfer who couldn’t crack the starting lineup in the MEAC:

[Matt] Pilgrim is currently in Lexington on a visit. He is a talent, but was suspended this past season and one source close to the situation said Pilgrim is a “cancer”. Pilgrim started less than half of the 26 games he played and saw his numbers fall to 7.7 points and 5.2 rebounds.

“He was the most talented player in the league,” one source said. “But he’s a giant head case. I’m shocked Kentucky would take him.”

Oh, Mr. Anonymous Badmouth, of course you are shocked. How could you possibly comprehend the brilliant machinations of Billy Clyde? When the revolution comes and UK is the last left standing because of his moves, it will be he that has the last laugh – but true genius never boasts, friends, and that is why Billy sits in his office alone, plotting his next move while applying more Brylcreem than the entire cast of West Side Story.

FOUR STORIES WORTH A FEW LINES APIECE

A Bird in Hand Is Worth Two in … Something – The Jayhawks made their way to Washington yesterday for the traditional accolades from President Bush, whose occasionally competent speech writing team incomparable knowledge of 1980s sports trivia allowed him to cite “Danny and the Miracles” without tripping over more than two words. (And oh yeah – we’ll get back to this.)

Of Chips, Blocks, and Other Violent Acts of Chiseling – In a profile piece relatively light on the fellatio, Tim Griffin at tWWL gets Pat Knight to admit that absent nepostism, he wouldn’t be anywhere near a Big XII coaching job right now. Nice to see that of all the potential traits Pat could have inherited from Pops, brutal honesty won out.

Our Corneas Already Hurt in Anticipation – In a move that shocks exactly no one in Irish Nation, Digger Phelps wants to be considered for the open AD slot in South Bend. (HT: Eamonn.)

You Knew This Would Happen – The IRS and the FBI launched their own joint investigation into potential wrongdoing by O.J. Mayo’s sugar daddies suppliers, as they simply couldn’t sit on the sidelines while a mildly interesting criminal case was overly scrutinized and mismanaged by another government body.

WINNAR.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
Dear Cancer: Die. Love, Coaches

We normally struggle to make light of potentially fatal diseases – even we have depths to which we won’t stoop, much to the surprise of our wife – but we do call the lede “the story everyone is talking about,” and the news late Friday that UConn coach Jim Calhoun once again had cancer qualifies for such title.

Calhoun had already beat cancer twice – prostate cancer in 2003 and skin cancer in 2007 – by catching it early (good for cancer and chicken pox; bad for gonorrhea). This time, he alerted his doctor to a growth on his neck that was determined to be squamous cell cancer. Growth removed, radiation administered, and four weeks later, scans show his lymph nodes and skin to be cancer-free.

Upon hearing the news, Duke’s Mike Krzyzewski expressed relief – not only that his colleague was safe and would return to the sidelines, but also because Cancer’s third consecutive loss to Calhoun in a championship round gave it a slightly worse record than Coach K’s own 0-2 against Calhoun in games that count. (Not that we’re bitter.)

TWO STORIES THAT CAUGHT OUR EYE FOR NO GOOD REASON
Bowl Game Wins Not Required

When we saw the headline “It’s Official – Kevin White is Duke’s New AD” on DBR, we did a double take. Wait, Notre Dame’s Kevin White? The guy with a list of management and publicity blunders we can’t begin to list? A guy whose departure has Irish fans dancing in the streets? THAT Kevin White?

And then we thought about it some more, and it all makes sense. White’s three main attributes: a talent for developing non-revenue sports, cowardice and subservience to coaches of the school’s most powerful teams, and totally incompetence in football program development. My God, he’s PERFECT for Duke!

Hired on Name Recognition Alone

We had no similar surprise when Jeff Goodman broke that Billy Donovan was once again down one assistant coach at Florida – when you win two titles, your assistants tend to be a hot commodity. When Donovan filled the position within three days by poaching Shaka Smart, the lead assistant and recruiting director from Clemson … well, color us impressed. No indication that Smart will bring any talent with him to Gainesville besides his completely awesome name, but a solid hire by UF all the same.

FOUR STORIES WORTH ONE LINE APIECE

Anecdotal Analysis Always Right – We’re not saying the San Francisco Chronicle is wrong when they claim that former college stars rarely make good college coaches – but a little data would be nice, guys. Blogs can do it, so can you.

Does This Mean We’ll Start Outsourcing Mid-Majors? – Team China punishes Team Conference USA by 23 points in an Olympic tune-up, giving our future overlords three straight wins over the all-conference-well-sorta-cause-nobody-in-the-draft-was-there team.

We Wouldn’t Do That If We Were You – Rutgers extends head coach Greg Hill through 2012 based not on his on-court performance (20-39 in two years!) but on one good recruiting class. You would think a Jersey school would be more wary of awarding a no-show contract.

Mormons Get Dirty and Freaky – A Utah TV reporter’s mailbag contains some strong language from Ute and Cougar fans, but also a link that burned our corneas, so now we pass the pain along to you, fair reader.

Nightmare. Fuel.

No, no, no … you are too kind. Thank you for the invitation to join you at your fine institution. A fine institution, I say, because you seem like a person of honor, and as another person of honor, I take you at your word that it is such an institution. That is fine. Champagne?

I’m also pleased to see that you were able to see past the untruths that others told you about me. Poppycock, I tell you – the allegations, the pointed fingers, the name-calling, the claims that I would have my way with you then cast you aside like a sweat-stained ascot – all poppycock and tomfoolery. I can tell the depth of your [pause, with a glance down and back up] personality that you were able to see past all of that. My, you finished that quickly.

Did you know Boca Raton means “The Mouth of the Thief”? I just learned that. It’s Spanish, you know. Please, help yourself – the bottle won’t finish itself, and there is plenty more. Plenty, I assure you.

I want to think about our future together. You know I’m not like those other guys. My commitment to you is like your grandfather – it started long before I even knew you. Can you believe that? I lived here for three years before I even knew you were here as well. And now, I hope we can share something very deep, very real, forever. [adjusts tie, while winking at Alabama, Georgia, and Florida State at the same time as they all ogle him from the bar]

That’s right … drink it down.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
Mayo Madness Continues

Because the chum bucket isn’t empty yet, the newsreel continues to focus squarely on Messr. Mayo and his handler / hanger-on / sugar daddy Messr. Guillary. With tWWL having presented the case in chief for the prosecution, we now prepare to hear the arguments of the defense. University of Southern California, your witness:

USC intends to tell the NCAA it knew of no wrongdoing involving O.J. Mayo and banned his mentor, Rodney Guillory, from receiving tickets as an illustration of its attempt to prevent the basketball star from receiving any improper benefits, according to sources. That will be the outline of the university’s defense, according to officials familiar with the situation.

[starts a slow clap] Brilliant, gentleman! The prosecution may have PROOF on its side, and they may be able to poke many holes in this argument, but we shall stun them with our brilliant rhetoric and good faith. Huzzah!

But really, though – this is an incredibly lame defense, and if it is the best that USC can come up with, than this quote makes a lot more sense:

“Right now, we’re just trying to weather the storm,” said a USC official, who asked not to be identified.

And we’re like, yeah, no shit.

FOUR STORIES WORTH ONE LINE APIECE

Hey, We Know They Aren’t Busy With the Economy or Foreign Policy – David Steele argues in The (Baltimore) Sun that Congress should fix college basketball, based on its stunning success with professional sports leagues, budget management, and ethical conduct.

We’d Say Less White Guys, But It’s Still the Patriot League – Dave Paulson, a two-time national Coach of the Year at Williams, makes the jump to D-I by taking over at Bucknell.

Speaking of White Guys … – Dave Leitao plans to take his Singletary-less Cavaliers on a barnstorming tour of Canada in September. Valuable game experience for a very green squad, or desperation recruiting? You choose.

Expanding Their Opportunities to Foist Applebee’s Jingles on Us All – CBS Sports announced yesterday they would no longer use third-party online advertising networks, instead managing their own online ad placements to expand placement opportunities for mainline advertisers. Just try to keep that “Shrimp Sensations” jingle out of your head. Just try.

Kelvin Sampson: OK … can’t live off this settlement payment forever, what with the lawyer bills and all … gotta get on the call list for the day!

[dials]

Will somebody get that damn phone??? Aww, come on, blue! A little help!

Mike D’Antoni: Hello?

KS: Hey Mike – how you doing? You hanging in there? I know it was hard getting fired by the Suns.

MD’A: Um, hey Kelvin. And I wasn’t fired, I …

KS: Good, good. Listen – I hear you are in New York now. You know, I know New York pretty well – ate at Casella’s on E. 98th Street a couple of times on recruiting trips. I could be a great head coach in that city.

MD’A: Kelvin, I’m the head coach here. They don’t need another one.

KS: No, it’s OK. We could work together – I’m a great coach, really, Mike. You can do all the compliance stuff, and I can do all the recruiting …

MD’A: Kelvin, it’s the NBA. We don’t need recruiters, and I don’t need another head coach.

KS: What about watches? You need any watches?

MD’A: I’m hanging up now, Kelvin.

[click]

KS: That’s OK, Kell. Jobs don’t fall out of trees. Gotta keep trying … let’s send some texts!

[types like a 14-year-old girl after a Red Bull]
To: Mike Brown
From: Coach K

2 bad u lost to BOS. U shud watch ur bak. BronBron <3s me.

To: Paxson Brothers
From: Coach K

<3 u guys. Plz call soon. Wood <3 2 coach 4 u.

To: Clay Bennett
From: Coach K

Hear u r movin Sonics to OK. I no OK rly gd. Call me!

[Message comes up - MESSAGES REFUSED]

KS: Aww … why does nobody want to talk to me??? How low do I have to sink?

[phone rings]

IU President John Hammond: Hey, Kelvin – we heard you were desperate!

KS: [confused] Who is this?

JH: John Hammond, Milwaukee Bucks – we’d LOVE to have you come help out our club.

KS: Milwaukee? They still have a team?

JH: Yup! Got uniforms and everything! Plus, coaching here you get all the cheap domestic beer and bratwursts you can down! So, you interested?

KS: Ah, I’d have to think about it, John … I’ve got a lot of possibilities – the CBA, Europe, NAIA. Heck, if that Snyder guy can get a job in the D-League, Kelly can do anything!

JH: Well, sure, that’s fair. But can those other guys offer you all the recruiting calls you want with no risk?

KS: [thinks for a minute] You aren’t trying to fool ol’ Kelly, are you?

JH: NO! No one in the NBA would EVER be dishonest!

KS: Then you have yourself a deal!