Brandon Jennings, the all-world recruit of Arizona slated to serve as a one-year replacement for one-year star Jerryd Bayless, made headlines last week by stating that he might play in Europe next year if he can’t qualify academically for NCAA play. Now, to the delight of the pro-labor opponents of the “one-and-done” rule, Jennings says that he might go to Europe regardless of whether he qualifies, since he only planned on spending a year in school anyway.

But as thousands of liberal arts majors learn the hard way each year, running away to Europe doesn’t solve all your problems stateside. As DeCourcy points out, why would a European club that won’t even play its own (read: controlled under multi-year development contracts) young players give big cash and PT to a one-and-done American kid?

If he chooses the European route, Jennings is essentially choosing to stand pat on his 2009 draft position, hoping that no one playing stateside – getting significant minutes and against better competition – passes him in the process. Seeing as how DraftExpress has him as next year’s #5 pick right now – maybe that’s not his worst choice.

But come on, Brandon – go to Tuscon for a year. If not for yourself, do it for Lute, who we swear is one more piece of bad news away from officially going batshit crazy (and, frankly, that piece of bad news could be a bad prune in his tapioca). And if you can’t even do it for Lute, for God’s sakes, do it for us. We were banking on getting at least a couple of jokes out of your stylin’ flattop.

Comic gold, Brandon. Don’t leave us hanging.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT

Sadly, the biggest – and, for the most part, only – story in college basketball today is actually a story about pro basketball:

How old school are we? 2006 old school, that’s how we do.

The draft is melancholy for us. On one hand, we will watch any draft of any sport because we are … how do you put this … addicts. There is something intensely interesting about watching the future unfold, not to mention that we, like Bill Simmons’ and his dad, roundly enjoy reviewing the suits each year. Plus, if you can’t enjoy watching Stephen A. Smith interview someone who doesn’t speak English – well, brother, we just don’t know what to tell you.

(Oddly, we now have a taste for cheez doodles. Which are delicious.)

On the other hand, however, the draft is where we bid a fond farewell to college players we enjoyed because … well, we just don’t give a damn about the NBA. We’ve tried, and we just can’t. It’s not because we think the quality of play is poor; we don’t think that’s true in the slightest (at least, not anymore). It’s not that we don’t find the games entertaining, or that we have a problem with the NBA “culture”. It’s that we have no blood on that field; we have no stake in what happens at that level.

We grew up as Cleveland Cavaliers fans, which was fun during the glory years with Mark Price and Brad Daugherty. (See, Carolina fans? We can let grudges go.) But then Daugherty got hurt and starting caring more about racing than playing. Price got traded. The Cavs acquired Shawn Kemp (and future negotiation rights with all 329 of his children), who promptly got fat and terrible. The team sucked. And then the 1998 lockout happened.

Even as college kids, there was only so much time we had to devote to following sports – there were things called “Goldeneye”, “beer” and “trim” to which we wanted to devote our attention. And at that time, with our team in shambles and the league thumbing its nose at its fans – well, we just couldn’t care anymore.

We’ve tried to go back to it – it’s not like we’re unaware that the Cavs have the best basketball player alive right now – but any devotion we may have had to our team is gone. As Simmons put it – like him or hate him, he sometimes finds a nut – when you cheer for a team these days, you are essentially cheering for laundry. And you know what? We just don’t care about that laundry anymore, because it’s so evident that those wearing it don’t care either. And without a rooting interest, frankly, just about any sport becomes difficult to follow with any sort of regularity.

Is it that much better at the college level? We’d like to think so – after all, a player chooses where to go to play his college ball, and part of us really wants to believe that players who choose to attend our alma maters share some of the same hopes and dreams we had when we first stepped on campus years ago. It can’t ALL be based on booster gifts, coaching personalities, and co-eds, right? (Though, in fairness, we had hopes and dreams for the same co-eds. We just had no chance.)

No one knows for sure, of course, and we’ll admit that our view is a rosy one, especially as it pertains to top level players. But we’d rather cast our lots with the guys who, at the margins, are playing for fun rather than the guys who are, at the margins, playing as a job.

So, we’ll be watching the Draft tonight – partly for fun, but partly to say goodbye to players that we won’t see or read much about again. It’s the cyclical nature of college sports, but it’s still kind of sad.

Final update of the day, but we start it with a pop quiz, because we’re feeling all multiple-choicy today thanks to our bar studies:

Three major players are left to decide their draft status. (A) is slated to go in the late first round. (B) is projected to go in the early in the second. Most analysts say (C) will go undrafted. Only one of them decides to return to school. Who would you lay your money on to return to school?

If you guessed (C), you would make a logical choice. But the draft, much like the bar exam, has absolutely nothing to do with logic – which is why the correct choice is (A), and the correct player is woulda-coulda first rounder Chase Budinger of Arizona.

Budinger was leaning towards going pro as late as last night, but apparently had a change of heart. Score this as a huge get for Lute Olson and the Wildcats, who now return an experienced squad with the only major change being the swap of one freshman point guard (Jerryd Bayless, a secure Top-10 pick) for another (All-World recruit Brandon Jennings). But damn if it doesn’t seem strange.

As for the two going pro, the first off the decision block was Cal’s Ryan Anderson, who DraftExpress has going in the early 2nd round. It stands to reason that Anderson felt his stock couldn’t go much higher, considering he led the Pac-10 in scoring and nearly averaged a double-double in his second season.

For expert, non-race neutral advice!

Anderson’s decision to turn pro was evidently finalized after a family movie night , featuring “The Courtship of Eddie’s Father”. In case you are unfamiliar with the movie – and golly, why wouldn’t you be? – IMDB sums up a key plot point:

Eddie shows open disdain for [his father's new girlfriend], solely because she has squinty eyes like all the “bad” girls in the comic books.

See? The movie told Anderson learned that Asian people are bad, so he needed to get out of the Bay Area as fast as possible! It all makes sense now!

Oh, 1960s culture – how we miss your blatant use of stereotypes to make a joke AND a point.

[/sarcasm]

Our final early entrant from the major programs – Luc Richard Mbah a Moute of UCLA, who will reportedly remain in the draft and hire an agent this week. We report this with no shortage of regret, because as Mbah a Moute will likely go undrafted and had a great gig back in Westwood, we meant to write a Profile in Hubris on him last week. Considering that every other player so treated dropped out of the draft … well, damned if we won’t feel a bit responsible if next Thursday is a long night for Luc. Bruins fans, feel free to blame us. (Once you are done blaming SMQ, anyway.)

With the 5pm deadline now in the rearview, all other players are presumed to remain in the draft, and are therefore dead to us. Below, the list of players continuing their college careers:

Definitely Returning to School

A.J. Abrams, Texas
Josh Akognon, Cal State Fullerton
Antonio Anderson, Memphis
Chase Budinger, Arizona
DeMarre Carroll, Missouri
Josh Carter, Texas A&M
Darren Collison, UCLA
Lee Cummard, BYU
Wayne Ellington, UNC
Alonzo Gee, Alabama
Danny Green, UNC
Stefon Jackson, UTEP
Ty Lawson, UNC
Leo Lyons, Missouri
Jerel McNeal, Marquette
Josh Shipp, UCLA
Ronald Steele, Alabama
Robert Vaden, UAB
Lorrenzo Wade, San Diego State

College basketball just stole back two very good guards from the NBA for another year: this hour, Texas’ A.J. Abrams and Alabama’s Ronald Steele both announced their withdrawal from the draft.

For the Longhorns, Abrams’ return means that Rick Barnes avoids a total loss of experience in his backcourt, as point guard D.J. Augustin will stay in the draft (and likely go in the first eight picks). Texas doesn’t have a great recruiting class coming in, so the decision by Abrams to return is a huge save for the program.

For the Tide, however, Steele’s reported decision to return means even more. Steele missed the entire 2007-2008 season on medical redshirt after knee surgery last offseason, and his absence at the point badly hurt a team needing a floor leader. With Richard Hendrix moving onto the pros, Steele’s return saves Bama’s chances of competing for an SEC West title.

Unfortunately, it also means more of this on national television:

It’s not Creamsicle orange, but that doesn’t mean it’s pretty.

UPDATE: Jeff Goodman – baller – reports via text message (to him, not from him to me) that Josh Akognon of Call State Fullerton became the third long range baller of the day to stay in college. Lists updated.

Updated tables:

Decision Unknown

Ryan Anderson, Cal (likely go)
Chase Budinger, Arizona (50-50)
Derrick Caracter, Louisville (50-50)
DeMarre Carroll, Missouri (50-50)
Paul Graham II, Florida Atlantic (likely stay)
Kalen Grimes, Missouri (50-50)
Lester Hudson, UT-Martin (50-50)
Reggie Huffman, UAB (50-50)
Luc Richard Mbah a Moute, UCLA (50-50)
JaVale McGee, Nevada (likely go)
Courtney Pigram, ETSU (likely stay)
Walter Sharpe, UAB (likely stay)

Definitely Returning to School

A.J. Abrams, Texas
Josh Akognon, Cal State Fullerton
Antonio Anderson, Memphis
Josh Carter, Texas A&M
Darren Collison, UCLA (who, admittedly, withdrew before the declaration deadline)
Lee Cummard, BYU
Wayne Ellington, UNC
Alonzo Gee, Alabama
Danny Green, UNC
Stefon Jackson, UTEP
Ty Lawson, UNC
Leo Lyons, Missouri
Jerel McNeal, Marquette
Josh Shipp, UCLA
Ronald Steele, Alabama
Robert Vaden, UAB
Lorrenzo Wade, San Diego State

Third draft update of the afternoon, and it’s a doozy for Duke fans ACC fans really everyone but Carolina fans: the UNC trio of Wayne Ellington, Danny Green, and Ty Lawson will be returning to Chapel Hill as a group, according to Jeff Goodman. Unsurprising for Green, kinda surprising for Ellington, quite surprising for Lawson, who seemed intent on staying in the draft. Clearly, last week’s driving after drinking incident had an effect on his prospects and his decision.

With the national semifinalists now returning every valuable scorer from last year’s team and improving their bench to boot, they must be the prohibitive favorite to win the title next year.

Excuse us for a moment.

Tar Heel Championship or Seppuku? Hm. Give us a minute.

Decision Unknown

A.J. Abrams, Texas (likely go)
Josh Akognon, Cal State Fullerton (likely go)
Ryan Anderson, Cal (likely go)
Chase Budinger, Arizona (50-50)
Derrick Caracter, Louisville (50-50)
DeMarre Carroll, Missouri (50-50)
Paul Graham II, Florida Atlantic (likely stay)
Kalen Grimes, Missouri (50-50)
Lester Hudson, UT-Martin (50-50)
Reggie Huffman, UAB (50-50)
Luc Richard Mbah a Moute, UCLA (50-50)
JaVale McGee, Nevada (likely go)
Courtney Pigram, ETSU (likely stay)
Walter Sharpe, UAB (likely stay)
Ronald Steele, Alabama (50-50)

Definitely Returning to School

Antonio Anderson, Memphis
Josh Carter, Texas A&M
Darren Collison, UCLA (who, admittedly, withdrew before the declaration deadline)
Lee Cummard, BYU
Wayne Ellington, UNC
Alonzo Gee, Alabama
Danny Green, UNC
Stefon Jackson, UTEP
Ty Lawson, UNC
Leo Lyons, Missouri
Jerel McNeal, Marquette
Josh Shipp, UCLA
Robert Vaden, UAB
Lorrenzo Wade, San Diego State

Second draft status update of the afternoon:

Clearly, the Profiles in Hubris leave their mark on players – first Danny Green softened his insistence that he would leave school, and now Gonzaga’s Jeremy Pargo has taken his name out of the draft. Pargo’s return means that for the first time in four years, the Zags will get their best player from the previous season back. Can’t hurt.

Joining Pargo back in the college ranks – Robert Dozier of Memphis. No surprise, as John Calipari said last week that he expected Dozier to return. But coupled with the return of Antonio Anderson, Dozier’s decision softens the blow from the loss of Derrick Rose and CDR.

Meanwhile, Richard Hendrix of Alabama announced he would stay in the draft without a first round guarantee. The All-SEC player who averaged a double-double last season has a good shot of making a team as a bench post player even from the second round, and even the most vociferous “stay in school advocates” can’t argue with a guy leaving who graduated in three years. Considering we needed every second of four years to get our undergraduate degree due to too much drankin’ the rigorous requirements, we simply say good on ya, Messr. Hendrix.

Also draftbound: Bill Walker of Kansas State is now formerly of Kansas State, as the redshirt freshman wing decided to stay in the draft despite a partial tear in his right meniscus that will prevent him from doing any more workouts before the draft. DraftExpress has him as the first pick in Round 2 right now, which isn’t too bad considering that earlier this year, insiders said he wasn’t ready for the draft at all ($).

The updated tables:

Decisions Unknown
A.J. Abrams, Texas (likely go)
Josh Akognon, Cal State Fullerton (likely go)
Ryan Anderson, Cal (likely go)
Chase Budinger, Arizona (50-50)
Derrick Caracter, Louisville (50-50)
DeMarre Carroll, Missouri (50-50)
Wayne Ellington, UNC (likely stay)
Paul Graham II, Florida Atlantic (likely stay)
Danny Green, UNC (likely stay)
Kalen Grimes, Missouri (50-50)
Lester Hudson, UT-Martin (50-50)
Reggie Huffman, UAB (50-50)
Ty Lawson, UNC (likely go)
Luc Richard Mbah a Moute, UCLA (50-50)
JaVale McGee, Nevada (likely go)
Courtney Pigram, ETSU (likely stay)
Walter Sharpe, UAB (likely stay)
Ronald Steele, Alabama (50-50)

Definitely Returning to School

Antonio Anderson, Memphis
Josh Carter, Texas A&M
Darren Collison, UCLA (who, admittedly, withdrew before the declaration deadline)
Lee Cummard, BYU
Robert Dozier, Memphis
Alonzo Gee, Alabama
Stefon Jackson, UTEP
Leo Lyons, Missouri
Jerel McNeal, Marquette
Jeremy Pargo, Gonzaga
Josh Shipp, UCLA
Robert Vaden, UAB
Lorrenzo Wade, San Diego State

A quick update to the table of who is in, who is out, and who is unknown:

UAB’s Robert Vaden will be announce at 2pm that he will head back to Birmingham in the fall. And frankly, who can blame him? Opportunity to develop an all-around game to compliment his outside shooting AND license to remain a Blazer for another year? Yes and yes.

Ooey-Pooey’s George Hill, however, announced over the weekend that he’ll stay in the draft without a guarantee of being drafted. Jeff Goodman, who pretty much is a God around this time of year, says Hill might not be crazy, since his draft ceiling is as high now as it ever will be. Hm. Profile in Hubris spiked, but we’re watching you, George.

Two lists we’ll keep updated throughout the day: first, the list of players who still might withdraw their names from the draft, with players of interest in bold:

A.J. Abrams, Texas (likely go)
Josh Akognon, Cal State Fullerton (likely go)
Ryan Anderson, Cal (likely go)
Chase Budinger, Arizona (50-50)
Derrick Caracter, Louisville (50-50)
DeMarre Carroll, Missouri (50-50)
Robert Dozier, Memphis (likely stay)
Wayne Ellington, UNC (likely stay)
Paul Graham II, Florida Atlantic (likely stay)
Danny Green, UNC (likely stay)
Kalen Grimes, Missouri (50-50)
Richard Hendrix, Alabama (likely stay)
Lester Hudson, UT-Martin (50-50)
Reggie Huffman, UAB (50-50)
Ty Lawson, UNC (likely go)
Luc Richard Mbah a Moute, UCLA (50-50)
JaVale McGee, Nevada (likely go)
Jeremy Pargo, Gonzaga (likely stay)
Courtney Pigram, ETSU (likely stay)
Walter Sharpe, UAB (likely stay)
Ronald Steele, Alabama (50-50)
Bill Walker, Kansas State (50-50)

Finally, here’s the current tally of formerly draft-eligible players definitely returning for next season:

Antonio Anderson, Memphis
Josh Carter, Texas A&M
Darren Collison, UCLA (who, admittedly, withdrew before the declaration deadline)
Lee Cummard, BYU
Alonzo Gee, Alabama
Stefon Jackson, UTEP
Leo Lyons, Missouri
Jerel McNeal, Marquette
Josh Shipp, UCLA
Robert Vaden, UAB
Lorrenzo Wade, San Diego State

THE (LET’S FACE IT, ONLY) STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
We’re Sorry, You’re Out – Auf Wiedersehen

With only two games of basketball left in the 2007-2008 season, hoops fans will turn their focus full-time to preparation for next season. (Except in LA, of course, where Simmons will be analyzing game tape from the last ten years looking for the Zapruder film showing Dick Bavetta as a dirty ref.)

As always, the first (and appropriate) focus of the off-season will be on the NBA Draft. Since this isn’t an NBA blog, we don’t terribly care who goes to what team – but we do care about is who decides to stay in college basketball (read: subject matter for at least another year!) and who goes pro. Today, June 16th, we’ll have the final version of both of those lists. This is today’s only major story, so as announcements come down, we’ll post updates.

Tick tock.

Already, BYU’s Lee Cummard surprised a few people by deciding to come back to Provo, while NC State’s J.J. Hickson, Kansas’ Mario Chalmers, and West Virginia’s Joe Alexander stayed in the draft as expected, as all are projected to be late first round or early secnod round picks.

But the big announcements haven’t come down the pike yet – no declaration yet from any of the big three from UNC, and Arizona’s Chase Budinger remains on the fence as well. Stay tuned.

School: UCLA, Junior.

Basketball Position: Wing (SG/SF).

Life Position: Wingman.

Vitals: 6′5″, 220lb., 23 years old. We understand redshirting and everything, but doesn’t 23 seem old for a junior who isn’t a refugee or a past missionary? Or are we just out of touch?

2007-2008 Statistics: 12.2 PPG, 3.2 RPG, 1.1 RPG, 1.3 SPG. Understandable stats considering the talent all around him, but he did finish in the Top 10 in the nation in minutes played, and the Top 25 in 3-pointers attempted. So, he stayed healthy, and launched a lot of shots while he was out there. That’s not necessarily a net plus.

Pros: Solid shooter from long range if he gets a clean look. Above average ball handling and passing for a wing. Rotates well away from the ball on defense and clogs up passing lanes. Good athlete who runs the court well, despite hip surgery two years ago. Capable of making illegal incredible shots to win games.

Cons: Squishy shooter from long range if he doesn’t get a clean look. Scoring is somewhat inconsistent, as he got shut down late in the season by good defensive teams. Weak man-to-man defender. Is essentially the same player he was when starting college in 2004 – solid but unremarkable.

Projected Draft Position: Undrafted (Draft Express), Undrafted (Inside Hoops), Undrafted (NBADraft.net), 2nd Round / Undrafted (My NBA Draft), 2nd Round / Undrafted (Chad Ford / tWWL), 2nd Round / Undrafted (HoopsHype).

Backup plan: Shipp saved himself from a Profile in Hubris by withdrawing from the Draft last night. With Shipp and fellow declaring/withdrawing senior Darren Collison, UCLA will have one of the most talented and experienced backcourts in the nation next year. Suddenly, the Bruins making a fourth consecutive Final Four sounds like a realistic proposition even without Westbrook and Love.

Backup backup plan: After all the references to his winning shot against Cal as a “circus” shot, Shipp could decide to fulfill every child’s dream by running away to join the circus. Cirque de Soleil is all the rage these days, but making the acrobat squad would require an incredible amount of patience and practice for Shipp – and, perhaps, man lust.

Straight ballin’.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
DWI Doesn’t Pay Matter

Breaking the law is bad, but if you drink and drive, you will have committed the crime of greatest moral turpitude of all. It’s bad enough that you become a threat to yourself and others, to person and property alike. But brother, it also shows you can’t hold your liquor, and there ain’t nothing less American than a man who can’t hold his sauce.

But feel calmed, citizens – everything you have been taught from a young age is true. When you commit this great breach of conduct and judgment, you will be caught and punished severely by both the public and private. Criminal sanction? Of course. Public shame? Absolutely. Distrust of loved ones? Possibly. Cautious reaction by potential employers? Practically certain.

Unless, of course, you are Ty Lawson, a pure point guard with strong defense, penetration skills, and a love of rollin’ saucy with the music pumping. Then, son, you have a chance to find work in Denver, if FOX’s Jeff Goodman is right:

My guess is that some teams may shy away from the North Carolina sophomore point guard, but I doubt Denver will be one of them.

Remember, the Nuggets, who pick at No. 20, are the team rumored to be extremely interested in Lawson.

The Nuggets have Allen Iverson, Carmelo Anthony, J.R. Smith and Kenyon Martin on their roster.

Not exactly model citizens.

We couldn’t agree more, though we now question what types of “Nuggets” these modern Denver players are searching for … though we suspect a gram-sensitive scale is still appropriate.

Only gold from them thar hills, brah, we promise.

UPDATE: Apparently, Lawson didn’t show up for his scheduled workout with the Nuggs today. Either Lawson is an idiot, or he has a lock stock guarantee from another team that picks before the Nuggets at #20 that he’ll be their pick. A tip of the cap again to Jeff Goodman for his excellent work.

THREE STORIES WORTH A FEW LINES APIECE

Mixed News in Bluegrass – The Louisville Courier-Journal (the only major paper that covers CBB religiously year-round) gives a forgiving account of Earl Clark’s decision to drop out of the draft, but also includes a sad mention of the passing of UK’s longtime equipment manager.

Killing Two Birds One Bird and One Amphibian With One Stone – Gus Gilchrist, who transferred to Maryland from Virginia Tech before ever suiting up for the Hokies, now wants out of the ACC entirely when the conference ruled the intraconference transfer would cost him a year of eligibility. Bad news for Maryland, but it puts Gilchrist on pace to leave school in six years, which is about the par for VPI and Maryland students anyway. (Hardy har har rivals are the sux hardy har.)

Sometimes We Miss Little Details – Like, when it turns out that the new holder of one of the worst coaching jobs in college basketball also happens to be the brother-in-law of the presumptive Democratic nominee for President. Can Obamania bring the Beavers to the top of the Pac-10? Um … no.

We don’t think Obama will adopt this creepy creepy art as his campaign poster in Oregon.

School: Gonzaga, Junior.

Basketball Position: Point Guard.

Life Position: Skee-Lo.

Vitals: 6′2″, 209lb., little brother of Hornets PG Janneru Pargo.

2007-2008 Statistics: 12.1 PPG, 6.0 APG, 3.7 RPG, 1.4 SPG, 2008 WCC Player of the Year, 2008 NBA Draft Award for Draft Entrant Most Likely to Be Confused for a European Import, previously won by Mustafa Shakur, Rajon Rondo, Ike Diogu, and his older brother.

Pros: Played both guard positions well in college. Good dribbling skills. Decent rebounder given his size. Great energy and speed at both ends. Solid scorer with explosive penetration skills who attacks the hole well. Other things that sound sexual and make us feel icky for saying them.

Cons: Doesn’t seem to fit well into either guard position at the next level. Inconsistent offense manager due to poor decision making. Poor long-range shot for a pro guard. Frenetic defender who often finds himself out of position. Makes us think of North Dakota.

Projected Draft Position: Undrafted (Draft Express), Undrafted (Inside Hoops), 2nd Round / Undrafted (My NBA Draft), 2nd Round / Undrafted (Chad Ford / tWWL), 2nd Round / Undrafted (HoopsHype).

Backup plan: Pargo has set clear expectations for the draft process – though said expectations seem completely unrealistic. The ‘Zags guard earned his way into these here Profiles last week when he claimed he would only stay in the draft if he got a first-round guarantee. Um … look at the projected positions above. Then consider that DraftExpress currently puts him in the 2nd round of next year’s draft.

So, it’s a good thing he never hired an agent and can return to Spokane for his senior campaign. But judging from his comments, his unrealistic expectations aren’t limited to his pro prospects:

Pargo said that if he does return to Gonzaga, the college basketball world better be prepared.

“I think we’ll be the best team in the country to be honest,” he said.

Backup backup plan: Giving up on basketball altogether to pursue his true love – entering the exciting and challenging market of golf cart manufacturing with his new “PAR-GO” line of carts. This will inevitably end in massive tort litigation, which excites us because yay work, but should excite everyone because yay blooper videos.

So, it’s still a few months from the start of any relevant college season – what’s that? College World Series? Blow me. – so Eirishis and Orson need something to keep themselves off the streets and off the junk ’til August. The results are sometimes frightening. Today – in honor of the Top Chef semifinals (don’t pretend you didn’t watch), we staff our hypothetical restaurant kitchens with figures from college football and basketball, past and present.

First pick goes to Orson. Add your own picks to the comments, natch.

1. Orson – Herschel Walker. A full kitchen staff embodied in a single person.

eirishis – What happens when his internal sous chef starts battling with his internal chef d’cuisine over menu direction?

2. Eirishis – Chris Webber. Willing to bring soul food to any occasion, any location – even purgatory in SacTown.

orson – Issue: may get the number of orders wrong.
eirishis – And may get the restaurant shut down for acceptance of improper gifts of chicken and waffles.

3. O – Jim Tressel. Just look at the wardrobe and tell me the man doesn’t have an innate talent for making phenomenal crêpe suzette.

eirishis – Disagree. You think that man has a bottle of Grandma in his house? Sweatervest can’t take anything stronger than a daiquiri.
orson – You may disagree. But the sweater alone is capable of making all the mother sauces blindfolded.

Apparently this model only makes mayonnaise.

4. E -. While we’re doing coaches, Digger Phelps. Sure, every dish may remind you of 1974, but you can’t tell me anyone would outdo his plating and presentation.

5. O - Can I take former Oregon State offensive lineman Esera Tuaolo? No one knows good meat like he does.

orson – NTTAWWT.
eirishis – WOW.
orson – He knows both how to find it and what to do with it when he gets it.
orson – Plus gay guys are all over the restaurant industry. He’ll slide right in, so to speak.
eirishis – Ted Allen just called, he wants his schtick back.

6. E - Just for that – Magic Johnson. Has already opened several successful restaurants (OK, so they are TGI Fridays, but still). Ties in urban communities guarantee customers when franchising comes. And magical cure means he can help out in the kitchen worry-free.

7. O - And to parry: my next pick will be Pete Carroll to work the expediter’s station. Will keep everyone pumped, get the orders out on time, and help the crew WIN FOREVER.

eirishis – Only if the Song Girls are the servers.
orson – Deal.
orson – And Reggie Bush has to be the maitre’d taking cash to move people up the list.
eirishis – Clearly, with Leinart as the sketchy manager who bangs half the wait staff.
orson – He looks like some of the restaurant managers I know.
eirishis – He looks like some of the restaurant managers I worked for.
eirishis – No comment on whether I slept with him.
orson – Of course you did. Everyone does.

8. E - Since we’re on the subject of things and people I hate, I’ll cross sports and take Ron Powlus. Beano Cook insists he’ll win three James Beard awards before a single day in the kitchen.

9. O - I’ll cross over as well and choose Bill Raftery for my Italian restaurant thanks to his endless supply of ONIONS.

10. E - I’ll then take Dick Vitale, because if Rachael Ray’s fame has shown us nothing, it is that you can become a famous chef (er, cook, or whatever) simply by being annoyingly loud and Jersey.

eirishis – I want to lock them in a small room together until they to run out of oxygen.
orson – That’s what the walk-in is for.

11. O – Chris Fowler, whose exacting temperament and love of good wine makes him a soul-match for the Eric Riperts of the world. This broadcast was sauteed in truffle oil only! He’d throw a good fit, too.

eirishis – And my, he wears a turtleneck well. His first place has to open in Aspen, right?
orson – Aspen is so out. It’s all about Jackson Hole now.
eirishis – See, it’s too bad we already did Tuaolo.

12. E – Tim Duncan. Solid fundamentals. Proper balance of spice and formality for a proper seafood place in the South or the islands.

orson – He’s like a one-man “Great Chefs of the Caribbean”
eirishis – Coming this fall on DVD from Disney … [long pause] … crap, i can’t finish the joke.
eirishis – The combo of duncan and “pirates” is simply too banal to make funny.

13. O – Beano Cook. He’d make a great dishwasher, and in the event of a bar brawl, he’d kill men just for taking a swing at him.

eirishis – What do you think the odds are that Beano has killed a drifter or seven in his days?
orson – 1 to 1.

14. E - Crossing over again – former Oklahoma State QB Bobby Reid. Has an indispensible skill for our kitchen – the ability to make fried chicken, which he got directly from his momma, Jenni Carlson be damned.

orson – HE’S RESPECTFUL TO THE MEDIA
eirishis – THIS RESTAURANT REVIEW … HAD TO BE WRITTEN … BY SOMEONE WHO’S NEVER HAD A CHILD … THAT HAD THEIR PALATE BROKEN … AND COME HOME CRYING AND HUNGRY!

15. O - I reach across and draft Tyler Hansbrough. Like a good line cook, he excitable, likes to bang around with strangers, screams a lot, and can hold his hands to a live grill without flinching.

eirishis – Also, only possesses borderline competency with the English language.

16. E – John Calipari. Would open a dark, damp Italian restaurant that would scare you back into the 1940s. Menu would feature three superb dishes, extremely bland pastas, and a couple of seafood offerings that would be downright frightening. But the charm along would bring you back.

orson – “Sorry about the veal piccata. I just want you guys to have a real good time.”

17. O – Our head chef: Gus Johnson. I need someone with pipes and is very, very excitable.

eirishis – Tonight’s special – cauliflower ears. The chef’s experimenting this week.

18. E – Erin Andrews. Obvious choice as the hostess, but brings so much more to the restaurant, because she is good at everything, and you would order everything on her menu and [gurgle drool collapses into pile of goo because that's what bloggers do when talking about her.] Plus, it gives a cheap excuse to with a bag of chicken fingers.

Can we offer you a take-out bag?

orson – Dissenter! She’s a normal, fine lady. But she’s not making my plate of the day.
eirishis – How dare you betray the blog brotherhood! I thought we all agreed to this??
orson – Missed that memo.
eirishis – Happens with upper management.

19. O – Hm … we need someone to bribe the health officials … ah, Dave Bliss. He’d cover up those rat tracks in the tapioca, no problem.

20. E – Last pick is too obvious: Charlie Weis. Never trust a skinny chef, but always trust a fat Robot Genius whose menu offers a distinct schematic advantage over service academy mess halls.

orson – Plus turnover’s always a problem. A five thousand year contract will help keep that down.
eirishis – Job turnover? Sure. Apple turnover? Like that man doesn’t love phyllo dough.
orson – Like that man doesn’t cough up whole sheets of it when he’s ill.
eirishis – Like that man doesn’t wrap his wife in it for sex play.
orson – Ugh. I give, we’re done.

WINNAR.

Stop the madness.

O.J. Mayo seems content to go about his NBA draft business these days – you can find pre-draft profiles of him hyah and hyah – but the saga of the alleged payments he received whilst still at Da U (West Coast Office) continues whether we like it or not.

The latest – the California state attorney general’s office has opened an inquiry into whether middleman extraordinaire Rodney Guillory was illegally using a credit card belonging to a sickle cell anemia charity when he was buying Mayo all his pre-pro schwag.

For all three of you who actually want to see Mayo go down for this – and you know who you are – calm yourselves. Despite getting involved in this mess, the AG’s office seems just as interested in prosecuting this case as Mayo was interested in staying in school:

Regarding Mayo’s possible culpability, ]special agent Danny] Kim earlier told ESPN.com, “I don’t think we want to go there. I don’t know if there’s any penal code charges we can charge him [with] for [accepting goods from Guillory with that card].”

He told The Times, “It’s not a big-priority case among all the things we do, I’m not even a big fan of college basketball, but I understand it’s important and we’ll get it checked out.”

Given the current state of the California state government, Agent Kim, we’ll expect your report back sometime after Mayo retires from the Association.

School: North Carolina, Junior.

Basketball Position: Sixth Man.

Life Position: Little Man Syndrome.

Vitals: 6′6, 210lb., 140lbs of which is ego.

2007-2008 Statistics: 11.5 PPG, 4.9 RPG, 1.2 BPG and SPG, as many assists as turnovers. Accounted for about 10% of the Tar Heels’ offensive and defensive statistics and 95% of their pre-game dancing.

Pros: Textbook sixth man. Could defend any college player. Reliable energy spark off the bench. Not afraid to drive the lane. Pretty good behind the arc (37.3%) and at the stripe (87.3%). Fan favorite for many things, mostly for posterizing Greg Paulus. (You’ll need to click through. We’re not posting that picture. No way, no how.

Cons: Textbook ‘tweener. Unclear whether he can defend any NBA player. Never started, and no one thought he should have. Will get destroyed if he drives the NBA lane against bigger defenders. Can’t create his own shot. May request leave from team to audition for So You Think You Can Dance.

Projected Draft Position: Undrafted (Draft Express), 2nd Round / Undrafted (My NBA Draft), 2nd Round / Undrafted (Chad Ford / tWWL), 2nd Round / Undrafted (HoopsHype), 2nd Round / Undrafter (Inside Hoops).

Backup plan: Head back to Carolina and try again next year. Green has one more year of eligibility in Chapel Hill, and Draft Express has him projected for the late first round next year. Even Ol’ Roy told him as much. Which begs the question – what the hell is he doing in the draft now?

According to Green (scroll to the bottom), “I’m not in Tyler’s situation.” He meant off the court, but unfortunately for Green, it’s true on the court as well. Even if he returns to Chapel Hill, Green isn’t guaranteed to crack the starting lineup next year, especially if Wayne Ellington drops out of the draft and returns to UNC as well.

Backup backup plan: Assuming the SYTYCD thing doesn’t work out, he can steal the identity of the recently retired Australian boxer of the same name and begin a barn-storming career with fights against Jose Canseco and Manute Bol.

Yeah, this will totally work.

School: Louisville … sort of.

Basketball Position: Forward.

Life Position: Disappointment.

Vitals: 6′9, 225lb., potentially insane.

2007-2008 Statistics: 8.3 PPG, 4.5 RPG, 0.9 BPG, 1:4 Assist / Turnover Ratio. Set all-time school record for most times suspended.

Pros: Decent scorer, given he played only 16 minutes a game. Good offensive rebounder. Has a name that leads to fantastic puns for beat writers. Underrated knitter.

Cons: Can’t play defense. Can’t pass. Can’t face defenders. Doesn’t understand the words “commitment”, “responsibility”, “academics” or, for that matter, “words”.

(Need proof? He transferred high schools every single year. He was suspended three times during his freshman season for “violation of team rules”, “personal issues” and “breaking a contract he signed to remain on the team,” then suspended again his sophomore season for another rules violation.)

Projected Draft Position: Undrafted (Draft Express), 2nd Round / Undrafted (My NBA Draft), 2nd Round / Undrafted (Chad Ford), 2nd Round / Undrafted (HoopsHype).

Backup plan: None, despite not hiring an agent. Rick Pitino already announced that Caracter was academically ineligible to return to Louisville. But maybe we’re wrong. Maybe, when your coach has to give a press conference to explain all of your problems, and says things like “[t]he best thing for him would be to go to another place”, maybe it’s just a cry for help.

Backup backup plan: Reprising the role of “bad guy who wants to be good” Hawk in reprise of the 1980’s classic series, Spenser: For Hire.

Like Huggy Bear, only still dirty.

(Statistics and assistance with player analysis courtesy of Draft Express.) ]]> http://www.thirtyfiveseconds.com/2008/05/22/profiles-in-hubris-derrick-caracter/feed/ 1