THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT

Wait a second … that doesn’t seem right after several days off … let’s try that again:

ALL THE CRAP THAT’S HAPPENED IN THE LAST WEEK

That’s better. Quick roundup of the biggest stories, with a little link love for our brother blogs:

Paul Hewitt Stands Tall, States the Obvious

At last week’s meeting of the Knight Commission (the body studying academic standards for NCAA athletics), Georgia Tech coach Paul Hewitt earned a lot of press by voicing controversial, even shocking, opinions about all that is wrong with the current student-athlete model. Radical stuff, like “Eligibility rather than academic growth has become our biggest concern”, and “Agents are turning college campuses into the Wild West.” Whoa, whoa, Paul … drop one bomb at a time, baby, we weren’t prepared. Hang on, we’ll sit down. OK, go on:

“While I like to see everyone who reaches college earn a degree,” Hewitt said, “we need to find more effective ways to achieve our goals. I do have a problem with putting numbers out there, saying ‘Meet these numbers or else. You’re turning education into a race.”

Phew … radical, radical man. You’re lucky you didn’t lose your job for saying crazy stuff like that.

Of course Hewitt is right, and we all know he’s right – it’s just that no one in the powers that be care, since they can’t hear him over the sound of cash registers. And Hewitt had some thoughts about that as well:

[Hewitt] said he’d like to see basketball become a one-semester sport and that coaches overall would like to see a shorter schedule, but he admitted it’s “not going to happen” because of the lucrative television money that comes from playing more games, even in early November.

Whoa, Paul – we were with you right up until you suggested cutting games. We have a habit to feed, you know. Crazy talk like that will get us back on the harder junk.

We mistakenly appended this to the end of the roundup this morning – early morning + lack of coffee = editing mistakes – but it’s front page level disgusting, so we’ll repost it without shame. While putzing around, we found this lovely mailbag by David James, the lead sports anchor for KUTV, Salt Lake’s CBS affiliate. Sure, it’s two months old, but it helpfully dispels some misconceptions about our friends from LDS country:

1) The evangelical South and the Mormon West find common earth on bad grammar, as evidenced by this fine writer, but moral celebratin’ is a whole other matter:

BYU new slogan (One & Done) As a Ute Alum I am tired of the BYU fans talking trash about the Utes basketball program just because they happen to be down at the moment and saying that the Utes just want to be them, not true, if anything it is the other way around. At least when the Utes go to the dance they do more than just have cookies and punch, they actually dance. The Utes do not want to be BYU they want to get back to where they were and they will.

Utes dance? Scandal! Next they’ll tell us the punch was spiked, and that there were finger sandwiches in addition to those cookies.

2) Proper church lurnin’ aside, the pure minds of these fine folks are challenged by the same sins as all sports fans: common wisdom, blind loyalty, uncontrolled expectations and a colloquial tongue:

People don’t give a rat’s ass about MWC championships. The only thing that matters are BCS wins and NCAA wins. Does anyone care that UTAH lost to UNLV in 98? No they remember going to the final four! Beating Wyoming is something you are supposed to do. Beat someone you are not supposed to beat.

Truer words have never been spoken. In fact, if all of you haven’t beaten Wyoming today, we must ask: why do you hate freedom?

3) Nightmare fuel knows no religion. That’s the only explanation for why Messr. James shared this photo in the mailbag, and why we pass it along to you now:

Just plausible enough to not be a PS job – just frightening enough to keep us up tonight.

WINNAR.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
Dear Cancer: Die. Love, Coaches

We normally struggle to make light of potentially fatal diseases – even we have depths to which we won’t stoop, much to the surprise of our wife – but we do call the lede “the story everyone is talking about,” and the news late Friday that UConn coach Jim Calhoun once again had cancer qualifies for such title.

Calhoun had already beat cancer twice – prostate cancer in 2003 and skin cancer in 2007 – by catching it early (good for cancer and chicken pox; bad for gonorrhea). This time, he alerted his doctor to a growth on his neck that was determined to be squamous cell cancer. Growth removed, radiation administered, and four weeks later, scans show his lymph nodes and skin to be cancer-free.

Upon hearing the news, Duke’s Mike Krzyzewski expressed relief – not only that his colleague was safe and would return to the sidelines, but also because Cancer’s third consecutive loss to Calhoun in a championship round gave it a slightly worse record than Coach K’s own 0-2 against Calhoun in games that count. (Not that we’re bitter.)

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THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
Shark Week Continues

Privately, we hoped that in our day off (done with school woot!), the O.J. Mayo mess would calm down, and some other story would take over the headlines. We weren’t alone – in a small act of sanity, Ben Taylor at the Daily Bruin says, “Um, don’t all of you have anything better to cover, like college athletes dying in practice?”

NO! Silly us. Each minute factual revelation merely served to throw more chum in the water, which inevitably leads to nastiness.

On Tuesday, the attacks centered on Mayo and the USC leadership. As the story ages however, like a fine wine, more subtle variables gain strength to create layers of flavor for the well-heeled to snoot about.

Signal to Noise points out that USC may pay a price in recruiting long before sanctions come down. His local paper says Mayo has daddy issues (like any good southern boy). Wilbon says Mayo is a sweet kid caught up in the dirty system of agents. DeCourcy over at the SN goes a step further and says the entire sport of basketball is broken. (Though DeCourcy’s piece is less “subtle flavor brought out by age” and more “what happens when you toss the bottle against the wall in disgust, because the world is death.” Let it all out, Mike. Why, oh why did Celeste leave you and take both le chat and all the zigerettes?)

But at least O.J. and his former compadres won’t lose a high school title over this mess.

We’ve been asked our opinion, but we don’t view this as a forum for our “take” – we offer commentary only to be funny or make a valid point, and we’re so sick of this topic we’re not sure we can do either. We’ll try better tomorrow.

We now move onto to non-O.J. topics – but first, twins.

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Buongiorno! It’s a-such a wonderful day to be a Duke basketball player…oh, the glamourosities, you cannot understand! Just last night, an Asian girl gave-a me the throbbing-a hand job of the likes-a I havent-a seen since-a the firm grip of Dick Vitale released my tensions all over his bald pate! Like a snow-capped alp, he-a was, or like the Roman Senator a-seeking the relief from summer heat by letting the gelato a-melt on his head!

So, friend. Consider the damage a-made to my belissima a-face against the powerful negroes of a-Florida State!

Thuggish, the men were, the Paulissima says! See how-a there hands came-a so close to the face, so rough they were with-a the creamy skin of the Paulissima! Five gallons of-a the finest-a lotions he sinks in a week, and yet the gangstas do not respect-a the Paulissima’s space of the personal sort!

And the words! They a-cut the Paulissima so deeply he had to score nine points, leave-a the arena, and immediately put on his-a favorite Il Divo CD just to rub the balm of solitude on the wounds of the heart, he did.

And put-a the cucumber creme of rejuvenation on his-a eyes.

And have the-a Asian girl with hands of the iron a-file the corns from his a-feet.

And go to the bed, he is crying the Paulissima, for the hurt he takes for your love on the court. Does this heart not bleed gouts of his blood for you? Does passion of his breast not radiate from-a the thumping of the chest, the deepness of his three-pointers? You may speak, but the Paulissima will not listen, as he is in need of the the-a sleep, and wanting quiet to prevent the-a age lines from creasing the perfection of his-a face, which is creamy like the fresh hot pot of risotto.

(HT: Awful Announcing. )

Since he’s coming off vocal cord surgery, we thought it would be a perfect time to interview respected commentator and basketball legend Dick Vitale. We spoke with Vitale earlier today.

35S: Dick, we’re just starting to get into the heart of the season. What can you say you know about college basketball 2007–2008 at this point?

Dick: ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(He reaches for a notepad and a pen.)

35S: Oh, don’t bother Dick. I understood that completely. I can’t imagine that anyone in college basketball has killed more pedestrians than Huggins. I mean, being in the car does not necessarily make you an accomplice, even if you did help wipe the blood off the dashboard. Watch out for the hair in the grill next time! Those guys can get your credit card number off fiber and hair samples. At least they do on CSI. Who knew all lab techs were so hot?

Dick:…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

35S: That was shocking. Who’d have imagined Michigan losing to Harvard like that? Are we going to see a season of upsets?

Dick: (Gesturing gets even more frantic.)

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

35S: I know, I know. The taste of Coach K’s balls is more savory than sweet, like charcuterie on a sunny French picnic, and best consumed with a light rose. We totally agree with that call. Thanks for the interview, we know you’re busy.

Dick Vitale is currently recuperating from vocal cord surgery. Yes, he actually had vocal cord left to operate on, you nob.

Contributor StutterStep posts his thoughts on Dick Vitale’s throat surgery. He will contributing regularly, American Gladiators-watching permitting.

Now that the man has come out the other side of surgery squeaky clean and smelling of moth balls, we feel it’s appropriate to comment on Dick Vitale (out: throat). But damn was that a looong few hours.

We first learned that everyone’s favorite verbal BJ artist was taking medical leave from broadcasting hoops at ESPN via his online letter to fans only to be reassured hours later that he was a-ok after having ulcers treated on his throat. What a roller coaster of a day. Finally, America can go on about its business.

Still, a few matters need to be cleared up before we can emotionally pick up the pieces here at thirtyfiveseconds.com.

When will he return to the booth? Vitale’s aiming for an early-February recovery. We can’t help but look ahead at the ol’ calendar to reveal that the season’s first Duke-Carolina tilt is Feb. 6. We sincerely hope, for his sake and ours, that he isn’t rushing himself back into the lineup for this reason. Please, Dick, no Pettite-like HGH-aided rehab on our account. We’re not doctors or anything, but we can’t imagine that coming off vocal cord surgery to call a game he spends every other game he broadcasts getting himself excited about is a good idea. But what the fuck do we know? It’d just be a shame to have to watch Dick’s mouth bleed in those overly intense Duke-UNC highlight montages for the next 10 years.

How many times will Dick heap praise upon Dr. Steven Zeitels on the air for getting him back to health? Well, assuming an early-February return that leaves him with about six weeks of games before the Tourney. Based on that, let’s see, carry the 4, adjust the decimal … 2,843,120,385,499,716,657,922,183,207. Feel free to double-check our math.

Who in the hell will provide positive reinforcement for Doris Burke? It never ceases to amaze how Dick talks to his colleague and sideline reporter every time she, gasp, does her job and provides a piece of reporting. “Oh, Doris Burke! She really does her homework! What a great story, Doris! Way to hold the microphone and stand upright at the same time, Doris!” Either Doris is the most insecure co-worker in history, or Dick is the most patronizing SOB alive. Based on a preponderance of evidence, we’re going with the latter, and guessing that Doris won’t burst into tears when she isn’t patted on the head like a 3-year-old every time she speaks.

Will the nationwide Duke-hating phenomenon die down to pre-Laettner levels? It’s bound to without constantly nauseating the public for the next two months.

What will his partner Dan Shulman do with all that newfound airtime? In the past, Shulman has had to use what little time to speak he got to baby-sit his partner. But now that he won’t have to repeatedly steer Dick’s jabbering back onto the game that’s two feet in front of their faces, Shulman will be free to do his job.

How will we know where Dick ate for dinner? When he’s not spitting out old-man shout-outs to coaches, other broadcasters, anyone who’s ever set foot on Duke or Notre Dame’s campuses, and local sportswriters, he’s praising the Italian joint he dined at the night before. Luckily, Dick writes, “I will be updating my Web site with basketball tidbits concerning the various teams, players and coaches during my rehabilitation process.” Since his knowledge of college basketball after 1993 roughly amounts to what someone tells him during timeouts, we can only assume he’ll use that space to keep us abreast of what shape of pasta he choked on last night.

What will you miss most during Dick’s absence? Let us hear it in the comments.