Want to cut your teeth in the exciting field of college basketball? Yearn for less nightlife and more wildlife? The University of Alaska-Fairbanks* has an opportunity for you!

That’s right – for the low low price of civilization, you can start your career as an assistant basketball coach for our own UAF Nanooks! (It’s not racist, because we’re honoring the Inupiaq people, and besides, look at the cute bear!)

Now, we can hear you thinking – why does this job opening exist? Why would someone leave such a unique location? Well, you’ll be excited to know that our most recent assistant, after only ONE YEAR with our program, was able to parlay that experience into an opportunity to coach high schoolers sell insurance get the hell back to the Lower 48 move up the coaching ladder! Next year, that could be you!

But what awaits you in Alaska – besides fast-paced, high quality Division II basketball? Just look at the vibrant student life on our campus of nearly 10,000 students!

Porch sitting! (Note: hazardous anytime but August.)

Silly string fights!

Toothless shrooming!

And don’t forget our favorable female:male ratio!

Yes, all this an more awaits you at UAF – where careers can begin (and sometimes end in tragic ways)! Come for the basketball, stay for the seasonal effective disorder!

* – We should note that we’ve been to Fairbanks, and to UAF specifically, and they are both lovely if very, very cold. So, prospective coaches, fear not – but pack a parka or twenty.

Whoa. Whoa. WHOA. We wouldn’t say that we are disappointed at learning that CBS dismissed Billy Packer, but we are surprised – only because we expected Packer to let go of his microphone CBS-logo’d spew stick when it was pried from his cold, dead hands.

Sure, it’s easy to think that Packer wrote his own pink slip earlier this year when he announced that the KU-UNC national semifinal game was “over”, encouraging viewers to change the channel with seven minutes to go until halftime.

But we know that the heads at CBS made this decision with the heaviest of hearts. After all, how could they get rid of a guy who displayed so much passion for his job?

Or someone who worked so hard to stay on top of the evolving nature of the sport and its coverage?

Or the sense of professionalism and objectivity he brought to every broadcast?

But there is one thing we can all agree on – Packer, uniquely, understood his place in the history of the game:

So, while Packer “pursues other opportunities” in basketball – like finding that damn bowl of tapioca he set down a few minutes ago – we say, goodnight, sweet prince. The Democratic Blogfrican Republic of College Basketball won’t be the same without you.

I’m thrilled, just thrilled, to announce that I’ve signed a contract extension to stay at UCLA through the 2014-15 season. It’s a real honor to be able to stay on here in Westwood, even after three straight Final Fours, given the way things started out here. And yes, before you can ask … they did right by me with the figures. I’ll be financially secure while remaining a Bruin, and that’s very comforting for my family and me.

But, frankly, $2 million a year was just frosting on the cake. Rich, delicious frosting to be sure, but that wasn’t why I signed the extension. I could get money coaching on the street. (And I have!) But what really made this deal special for me, as a native Californian, was that UCLA showed that they truly want me to feel like a part of the community here in Los Angeles.

And offering me my own gang – well, that was just a special, make-you-feel-at-home offer I couldn’t refuse.

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Three coaching hires / rehires as the Human Resources Department portion of the offseason winds to a close:

First, Sean Woods will take over at Mississippi Valley State, leaving his assistant position at TCU. (LaDainian Tomlinson now owes Jerry Rice a dollar.) With Woods and former UK teammate John Pelphrey (now at Arkansas) heading Division I programs and fellow Wildcat Richie Farmer moving up the ranks in Kentucky state politics, the 1991-1992 Kentucky “Unforgettables” are living up to their name, as RTC notes.

Well, mostly – Deron Feldhaus, the fourth “Unforgettable”, is the pro and co-owner at a nine-hole golf course on the Ohio border. NTTIAWWT, of course, since nine-hole courses keep our scores in double digits and our brains on this side of sanity.

This reads ’bout right.

Second, Ohio University AD Jim Schaus (who, again, was Pete Carroll-level jacked to conduct his first major coaching search) appears to have found his man, as Goodman’s sources have Ohio State assistant John Croce pegged as the Bobcats’ new head coach. Jim, if you thought this was exciting, just wait until you get to replace Frank Solich. Roofie endurance tests for everyone!

Finally, Davidson makes the obvious move by re-signing coach Bob McKillop to a long-term deal. McKillop, like George Mason’s Jim Larranaga before him, would be the subject of every coaching search from sagging BCS schools and would-be near majors for the foreseeable future. Locking McKillop into Davidson for the long-term – which, by all accounts, was McKillop’s sincere wish – offers fans the chance in five years to be just as sick of Davidson as we are of Gonzaga now. Hooray overexposure!

Quick -what is the greatest skill that Johnny Dawkins brought with him from Durham to Palo Alto? Is it his familiarty with Ivy wannabe employers that expect athletic success without compromising their standards? His ability to recruit talent within those confines? His abilities as a teacher of the jump shot and defense?

Nay, fair civilians – you know the true answer. The clincher in the hiring was Dawkins’ ability to deal with a huge dick. To work with it, to learn from it, and ultimately to love it.

And that love is what made Dawkins so appealing to a Bay Area team, so desperate to find a man that knew a good dick when he saw one.

And Dawkins has followed through as hoped – the Stanford head coach filled out his coaching staff yesterday, and in addition to stealing away his former employer’s director of basketball operations as an assistant coach, Dawkins brought in a Dick that knows how to find players in every alley in the Bay Area.

Feel blessed, young men of Menlo Park, for soon you will be in the presence of the biggest Dick in the history of Bay Area basketball. He will share with you his passion. He’ll treat you with his famous tenderness. And if you keep an open mind, you might just learn something from his wisdom, and reach your climax on the court. Oh yes, fair boys of Stanford, you will.

[/dick jokes]

No, seriously, we feel terrible.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
Fear Pity the Turtle

If you are looking for a ticket out of College Park, best book early – some very tall gentlemen are taking up all the good seats. If you trying to get into town, however, feel free to browse – all seats are free.

In the wake of the Tyree Evans saga and the transfer of Gus Gilchrist, wouldbe bench player Shane Walker finalized his transfer by announcing his move up the road to Loyola. If you are keeping score at home, that’s -1 outside shooter, -2 post players, and +3 open scholarships for Gary Williams.

But with the recruiting well for the coming season now dry and expected stud Sean Mosley struggling to qualify academically, the Terps may be down to nine scholarship players for next year. Williams’ options to fill out the roster: more land mine ju-co transfers, unsigned risks who can’t qualify academically or physically, or walk-ons. All are terrible choices for Williams; all are fantastic possibilities for those of us who love watching Maryland and Williams squirm.

The roster problems come on the heels of a rough stretch for the Terps … [snickers under his breath] … having missed the tournament three of the last four years . The program’s struggles seem strange, given that Maryland won the national championship only six years ago – which was so forever ago that Juan Dixon is now collecting Social Security.

But perhaps there is now a six year curse. Six years after winning 2000 title, Michigan State lost to lowly George Mason in the first round. 1999 champ UConn got upset in the 2nd round by NC State in 2005. As for 2001 champ Duke … ugh:

Four more headlines, including some moderately NSFW work, after the jump.

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Straight ballin’.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
DWI Doesn’t Pay Matter

Breaking the law is bad, but if you drink and drive, you will have committed the crime of greatest moral turpitude of all. It’s bad enough that you become a threat to yourself and others, to person and property alike. But brother, it also shows you can’t hold your liquor, and there ain’t nothing less American than a man who can’t hold his sauce.

But feel calmed, citizens – everything you have been taught from a young age is true. When you commit this great breach of conduct and judgment, you will be caught and punished severely by both the public and private. Criminal sanction? Of course. Public shame? Absolutely. Distrust of loved ones? Possibly. Cautious reaction by potential employers? Practically certain.

Unless, of course, you are Ty Lawson, a pure point guard with strong defense, penetration skills, and a love of rollin’ saucy with the music pumping. Then, son, you have a chance to find work in Denver, if FOX’s Jeff Goodman is right:

My guess is that some teams may shy away from the North Carolina sophomore point guard, but I doubt Denver will be one of them.

Remember, the Nuggets, who pick at No. 20, are the team rumored to be extremely interested in Lawson.

The Nuggets have Allen Iverson, Carmelo Anthony, J.R. Smith and Kenyon Martin on their roster.

Not exactly model citizens.

We couldn’t agree more, though we now question what types of “Nuggets” these modern Denver players are searching for … though we suspect a gram-sensitive scale is still appropriate.

Only gold from them thar hills, brah, we promise.

UPDATE: Apparently, Lawson didn’t show up for his scheduled workout with the Nuggs today. Either Lawson is an idiot, or he has a lock stock guarantee from another team that picks before the Nuggets at #20 that he’ll be their pick. A tip of the cap again to Jeff Goodman for his excellent work.

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WINNAR.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
Dear Cancer: Die. Love, Coaches

We normally struggle to make light of potentially fatal diseases – even we have depths to which we won’t stoop, much to the surprise of our wife – but we do call the lede “the story everyone is talking about,” and the news late Friday that UConn coach Jim Calhoun once again had cancer qualifies for such title.

Calhoun had already beat cancer twice – prostate cancer in 2003 and skin cancer in 2007 – by catching it early (good for cancer and chicken pox; bad for gonorrhea). This time, he alerted his doctor to a growth on his neck that was determined to be squamous cell cancer. Growth removed, radiation administered, and four weeks later, scans show his lymph nodes and skin to be cancer-free.

Upon hearing the news, Duke’s Mike Krzyzewski expressed relief – not only that his colleague was safe and would return to the sidelines, but also because Cancer’s third consecutive loss to Calhoun in a championship round gave it a slightly worse record than Coach K’s own 0-2 against Calhoun in games that count. (Not that we’re bitter.)

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Why thank you. I think the gray goatee makes me look classy as well.

No, no, no … you are too kind. Thank you for the invitation to join you at your fine institution. A fine institution, I say, because you seem like a person of honor, and as another person of honor, I take you at your word that it is such an institution. That is fine. Champagne?

I’m also pleased to see that you were able to see past the untruths that others told you about me. Poppycock, I tell you – the allegations, the pointed fingers, the name-calling, the claims that I would have my way with you then cast you aside like a sweat-stained ascot – all poppycock and tomfoolery. I can tell the depth of your [pause, with a glance down and back up] personality that you were able to see past all of that. My, you finished that quickly.

Did you know Boca Raton means “The Mouth of the Thief”? I just learned that. It’s Spanish, you know. Please, help yourself – the bottle won’t finish itself, and there is plenty more. Plenty, I assure you.

I want to think about our future together. You know I’m not like those other guys. My commitment to you is like your grandfather – it started long before I even knew you. Can you believe that? I lived here for three years before I even knew you were here as well. And now, I hope we can share something very deep, very real, forever. [adjusts tie, while winking at Alabama, Georgia, and Florida State at the same time as they all ogle him from the bar]

That’s right … drink it down.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
Mayo Madness Continues

Because the chum bucket isn’t empty yet, the newsreel continues to focus squarely on Messr. Mayo and his handler / hanger-on / sugar daddy Messr. Guillary. With tWWL having presented the case in chief for the prosecution, we now prepare to hear the arguments of the defense. University of Southern California, your witness:

USC intends to tell the NCAA it knew of no wrongdoing involving O.J. Mayo and banned his mentor, Rodney Guillory, from receiving tickets as an illustration of its attempt to prevent the basketball star from receiving any improper benefits, according to sources. That will be the outline of the university’s defense, according to officials familiar with the situation.

[starts a slow clap] Brilliant, gentleman! The prosecution may have PROOF on its side, and they may be able to poke many holes in this argument, but we shall stun them with our brilliant rhetoric and good faith. Huzzah!

But really, though – this is an incredibly lame defense, and if it is the best that USC can come up with, than this quote makes a lot more sense:

“Right now, we’re just trying to weather the storm,” said a USC official, who asked not to be identified.

And we’re like, yeah, no shit.

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