Straight ballin’.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
DWI Doesn’t Pay Matter

Breaking the law is bad, but if you drink and drive, you will have committed the crime of greatest moral turpitude of all. It’s bad enough that you become a threat to yourself and others, to person and property alike. But brother, it also shows you can’t hold your liquor, and there ain’t nothing less American than a man who can’t hold his sauce.

But feel calmed, citizens – everything you have been taught from a young age is true. When you commit this great breach of conduct and judgment, you will be caught and punished severely by both the public and private. Criminal sanction? Of course. Public shame? Absolutely. Distrust of loved ones? Possibly. Cautious reaction by potential employers? Practically certain.

Unless, of course, you are Ty Lawson, a pure point guard with strong defense, penetration skills, and a love of rollin’ saucy with the music pumping. Then, son, you have a chance to find work in Denver, if FOX’s Jeff Goodman is right:

My guess is that some teams may shy away from the North Carolina sophomore point guard, but I doubt Denver will be one of them.

Remember, the Nuggets, who pick at No. 20, are the team rumored to be extremely interested in Lawson.

The Nuggets have Allen Iverson, Carmelo Anthony, J.R. Smith and Kenyon Martin on their roster.

Not exactly model citizens.

We couldn’t agree more, though we now question what types of “Nuggets” these modern Denver players are searching for … though we suspect a gram-sensitive scale is still appropriate.

Only gold from them thar hills, brah, we promise.

UPDATE: Apparently, Lawson didn’t show up for his scheduled workout with the Nuggs today. Either Lawson is an idiot, or he has a lock stock guarantee from another team that picks before the Nuggets at #20 that he’ll be their pick. A tip of the cap again to Jeff Goodman for his excellent work.

THREE STORIES WORTH A FEW LINES APIECE

Mixed News in Bluegrass – The Louisville Courier-Journal (the only major paper that covers CBB religiously year-round) gives a forgiving account of Earl Clark’s decision to drop out of the draft, but also includes a sad mention of the passing of UK’s longtime equipment manager.

Killing Two Birds One Bird and One Amphibian With One Stone – Gus Gilchrist, who transferred to Maryland from Virginia Tech before ever suiting up for the Hokies, now wants out of the ACC entirely when the conference ruled the intraconference transfer would cost him a year of eligibility. Bad news for Maryland, but it puts Gilchrist on pace to leave school in six years, which is about the par for VPI and Maryland students anyway. (Hardy har har rivals are the sux hardy har.)

Sometimes We Miss Little Details – Like, when it turns out that the new holder of one of the worst coaching jobs in college basketball also happens to be the brother-in-law of the presumptive Democratic nominee for President. Can Obamania bring the Beavers to the top of the Pac-10? Um … no.

We don’t think Obama will adopt this creepy creepy art as his campaign poster in Oregon.

[blows on pitchpipe, hums, taps microphone]

It won’t be easy – you’ll think me strange
As I try to explain what happened
Even though you’ll still hate me after all that I’ve done

You won’t believe me
All you will see is a league of sixteen
Although you only care for the [original] nine
At least eight play football for you!

We had to let it happen, we had to change
Couldn’t stay away from fall TV appeal
Looking down to the South, wanting all of that cash

So I chose football
Running around, grabbing anyone new
Even if they played no hoop at all
With weak academics, too …

Don’t cry for me, Eastern Seaboard
The truth is, you’ll never leave us
Even when St. Johns
Must play Blue Demons
We broke our promise
But you won’t leave us

And as for Cardinals and Notre Dame
Sure, I invited them in
Though it seemed our league name would no longer make sense

Though they brought bowl games
They are not the solutions they promised to be
The answer was here all the time
With Catholics, Pitt and Orange, too …

Don’t cry for me, Eastern Seaboard
In time, you’ll see we still love you
When you retire down
To north of Tampa
Thank me that UConn
Must play South Florida

[straightens tie, wipes eyes]

Was it all too much?
There’s nothing more I must explain to you…

So, it’s still a few months from the start of any relevant college season – what’s that? College World Series? Blow me. – so Eirishis and Orson need something to keep themselves off the streets and off the junk ’til August. The results are sometimes frightening. Today – in honor of the Top Chef semifinals (don’t pretend you didn’t watch), we staff our hypothetical restaurant kitchens with figures from college football and basketball, past and present.

First pick goes to Orson. Add your own picks to the comments, natch.

1. Orson – Herschel Walker. A full kitchen staff embodied in a single person.

eirishis – What happens when his internal sous chef starts battling with his internal chef d’cuisine over menu direction?

2. Eirishis – Chris Webber. Willing to bring soul food to any occasion, any location – even purgatory in SacTown.

orson – Issue: may get the number of orders wrong.
eirishis – And may get the restaurant shut down for acceptance of improper gifts of chicken and waffles.

3. O – Jim Tressel. Just look at the wardrobe and tell me the man doesn’t have an innate talent for making phenomenal crêpe suzette.

eirishis – Disagree. You think that man has a bottle of Grandma in his house? Sweatervest can’t take anything stronger than a daiquiri.
orson – You may disagree. But the sweater alone is capable of making all the mother sauces blindfolded.

Apparently this model only makes mayonnaise.

4. E -. While we’re doing coaches, Digger Phelps. Sure, every dish may remind you of 1974, but you can’t tell me anyone would outdo his plating and presentation.

5. O - Can I take former Oregon State offensive lineman Esera Tuaolo? No one knows good meat like he does.

orson – NTTAWWT.
eirishis – WOW.
orson – He knows both how to find it and what to do with it when he gets it.
orson – Plus gay guys are all over the restaurant industry. He’ll slide right in, so to speak.
eirishis – Ted Allen just called, he wants his schtick back.

6. E - Just for that – Magic Johnson. Has already opened several successful restaurants (OK, so they are TGI Fridays, but still). Ties in urban communities guarantee customers when franchising comes. And magical cure means he can help out in the kitchen worry-free.

7. O - And to parry: my next pick will be Pete Carroll to work the expediter’s station. Will keep everyone pumped, get the orders out on time, and help the crew WIN FOREVER.

eirishis – Only if the Song Girls are the servers.
orson – Deal.
orson – And Reggie Bush has to be the maitre’d taking cash to move people up the list.
eirishis – Clearly, with Leinart as the sketchy manager who bangs half the wait staff.
orson – He looks like some of the restaurant managers I know.
eirishis – He looks like some of the restaurant managers I worked for.
eirishis – No comment on whether I slept with him.
orson – Of course you did. Everyone does.

8. E - Since we’re on the subject of things and people I hate, I’ll cross sports and take Ron Powlus. Beano Cook insists he’ll win three James Beard awards before a single day in the kitchen.

9. O - I’ll cross over as well and choose Bill Raftery for my Italian restaurant thanks to his endless supply of ONIONS.

10. E - I’ll then take Dick Vitale, because if Rachael Ray’s fame has shown us nothing, it is that you can become a famous chef (er, cook, or whatever) simply by being annoyingly loud and Jersey.

eirishis – I want to lock them in a small room together until they to run out of oxygen.
orson – That’s what the walk-in is for.

11. O – Chris Fowler, whose exacting temperament and love of good wine makes him a soul-match for the Eric Riperts of the world. This broadcast was sauteed in truffle oil only! He’d throw a good fit, too.

eirishis – And my, he wears a turtleneck well. His first place has to open in Aspen, right?
orson – Aspen is so out. It’s all about Jackson Hole now.
eirishis – See, it’s too bad we already did Tuaolo.

12. E – Tim Duncan. Solid fundamentals. Proper balance of spice and formality for a proper seafood place in the South or the islands.

orson – He’s like a one-man “Great Chefs of the Caribbean”
eirishis – Coming this fall on DVD from Disney … [long pause] … crap, i can’t finish the joke.
eirishis – The combo of duncan and “pirates” is simply too banal to make funny.

13. O – Beano Cook. He’d make a great dishwasher, and in the event of a bar brawl, he’d kill men just for taking a swing at him.

eirishis – What do you think the odds are that Beano has killed a drifter or seven in his days?
orson – 1 to 1.

14. E - Crossing over again – former Oklahoma State QB Bobby Reid. Has an indispensible skill for our kitchen – the ability to make fried chicken, which he got directly from his momma, Jenni Carlson be damned.

orson – HE’S RESPECTFUL TO THE MEDIA
eirishis – THIS RESTAURANT REVIEW … HAD TO BE WRITTEN … BY SOMEONE WHO’S NEVER HAD A CHILD … THAT HAD THEIR PALATE BROKEN … AND COME HOME CRYING AND HUNGRY!

15. O - I reach across and draft Tyler Hansbrough. Like a good line cook, he excitable, likes to bang around with strangers, screams a lot, and can hold his hands to a live grill without flinching.

eirishis – Also, only possesses borderline competency with the English language.

16. E – John Calipari. Would open a dark, damp Italian restaurant that would scare you back into the 1940s. Menu would feature three superb dishes, extremely bland pastas, and a couple of seafood offerings that would be downright frightening. But the charm along would bring you back.

orson – “Sorry about the veal piccata. I just want you guys to have a real good time.”

17. O – Our head chef: Gus Johnson. I need someone with pipes and is very, very excitable.

eirishis – Tonight’s special – cauliflower ears. The chef’s experimenting this week.

18. E – Erin Andrews. Obvious choice as the hostess, but brings so much more to the restaurant, because she is good at everything, and you would order everything on her menu and [gurgle drool collapses into pile of goo because that's what bloggers do when talking about her.] Plus, it gives a cheap excuse to with a bag of chicken fingers.

Can we offer you a take-out bag?

orson – Dissenter! She’s a normal, fine lady. But she’s not making my plate of the day.
eirishis – How dare you betray the blog brotherhood! I thought we all agreed to this??
orson – Missed that memo.
eirishis – Happens with upper management.

19. O – Hm … we need someone to bribe the health officials … ah, Dave Bliss. He’d cover up those rat tracks in the tapioca, no problem.

20. E – Last pick is too obvious: Charlie Weis. Never trust a skinny chef, but always trust a fat Robot Genius whose menu offers a distinct schematic advantage over service academy mess halls.

orson – Plus turnover’s always a problem. A five thousand year contract will help keep that down.
eirishis – Job turnover? Sure. Apple turnover? Like that man doesn’t love phyllo dough.
orson – Like that man doesn’t cough up whole sheets of it when he’s ill.
eirishis – Like that man doesn’t wrap his wife in it for sex play.
orson – Ugh. I give, we’re done.

WINNAR.

Well, dammit. I knew it would come to this. I’ll smile for the cameras and say a few nice things about you in just a second, but I’ll be damned if I’ll be happy about it.

Don’t think I don’t know about y’all plains riders. We hear about you down in Crawford. Yeah, you … with your tallness and your skills and your stuff. I’m talking to you, Danny. You and your new group of Miracles think you can get away with this, but I promise we will take you down Ranger style. I got all these guys in black suits to help me. Texas is gonna rain some pain down on you, brother!

What’s that? You beat Texas three times? Boool-shit. No, really?

Well, dammit, I don’t even know what to think anymore. If my boys down in Austin can’t take care of a few loopers from the North, I’m not sure I want to say in the world we live in.

Wait – is that a ball? BALL!!!! YAY!!!!!!!

Bouncy!

Alright – the ball was a nice touch. Y’all might be OK. Maybe we can work something out.

Wait – y’all are from Can-saw? Man, Johnny is gonna have my ass. I hope this doesn’t mean that Obama kid from Kansas is gonna win in November. He doesn’t play with y’all, does he? No? Ah, right, them Carolina kids. Right.

Y’all can stay – just don’t mess with the flowers. Laura gets upset with me. And don’t mess with Texas.

[/rides into sunset]

We mistakenly appended this to the end of the roundup this morning – early morning + lack of coffee = editing mistakes – but it’s front page level disgusting, so we’ll repost it without shame. While putzing around, we found this lovely mailbag by David James, the lead sports anchor for KUTV, Salt Lake’s CBS affiliate. Sure, it’s two months old, but it helpfully dispels some misconceptions about our friends from LDS country:

1) The evangelical South and the Mormon West find common earth on bad grammar, as evidenced by this fine writer, but moral celebratin’ is a whole other matter:

BYU new slogan (One & Done) As a Ute Alum I am tired of the BYU fans talking trash about the Utes basketball program just because they happen to be down at the moment and saying that the Utes just want to be them, not true, if anything it is the other way around. At least when the Utes go to the dance they do more than just have cookies and punch, they actually dance. The Utes do not want to be BYU they want to get back to where they were and they will.

Utes dance? Scandal! Next they’ll tell us the punch was spiked, and that there were finger sandwiches in addition to those cookies.

2) Proper church lurnin’ aside, the pure minds of these fine folks are challenged by the same sins as all sports fans: common wisdom, blind loyalty, uncontrolled expectations and a colloquial tongue:

People don’t give a rat’s ass about MWC championships. The only thing that matters are BCS wins and NCAA wins. Does anyone care that UTAH lost to UNLV in 98? No they remember going to the final four! Beating Wyoming is something you are supposed to do. Beat someone you are not supposed to beat.

Truer words have never been spoken. In fact, if all of you haven’t beaten Wyoming today, we must ask: why do you hate freedom?

3) Nightmare fuel knows no religion. That’s the only explanation for why Messr. James shared this photo in the mailbag, and why we pass it along to you now:

Just plausible enough to not be a PS job – just frightening enough to keep us up tonight.

No, no, no … you are too kind. Thank you for the invitation to join you at your fine institution. A fine institution, I say, because you seem like a person of honor, and as another person of honor, I take you at your word that it is such an institution. That is fine. Champagne?

I’m also pleased to see that you were able to see past the untruths that others told you about me. Poppycock, I tell you – the allegations, the pointed fingers, the name-calling, the claims that I would have my way with you then cast you aside like a sweat-stained ascot – all poppycock and tomfoolery. I can tell the depth of your [pause, with a glance down and back up] personality that you were able to see past all of that. My, you finished that quickly.

Did you know Boca Raton means “The Mouth of the Thief”? I just learned that. It’s Spanish, you know. Please, help yourself – the bottle won’t finish itself, and there is plenty more. Plenty, I assure you.

I want to think about our future together. You know I’m not like those other guys. My commitment to you is like your grandfather – it started long before I even knew you. Can you believe that? I lived here for three years before I even knew you were here as well. And now, I hope we can share something very deep, very real, forever. [adjusts tie, while winking at Alabama, Georgia, and Florida State at the same time as they all ogle him from the bar]

That’s right … drink it down.