Emmanuel Negedu, the last top-level recruit available for the Class of 2008, faced the same difficult choice as other top recruits: which major program will he give his soul for the next four three two some indefinite period of time?

After commanding the full attention of four top programs for the last month, Negedu finally made his decision yesterday, committing to play in Knoxville for Bruce Pearl and the Volunteers.

For Memphis and Arizona, two of the programs Negedu jilted, the news makes this week bittersweet. Both programs went 50-50 with players leaving early for the pros, and both could have used the services of the small-in-size but big-in-game power forward. For Indiana … Tom Crean’s search for any bodies willing to throw on an IU uniform continues.

But for Pearl, it’s celebration time, and for the media’s favorite coach, you know that can only mean one thing:

Time to hit the lake! Where’s Pat? Call Erin!

Quick -what is the greatest skill that Johnny Dawkins brought with him from Durham to Palo Alto? Is it his familiarty with Ivy wannabe employers that expect athletic success without compromising their standards? His ability to recruit talent within those confines? His abilities as a teacher of the jump shot and defense?

Nay, fair civilians – you know the true answer. The clincher in the hiring was Dawkins’ ability to deal with a huge dick. To work with it, to learn from it, and ultimately to love it.

And that love is what made Dawkins so appealing to a Bay Area team, so desperate to find a man that knew a good dick when he saw one.

And Dawkins has followed through as hoped – the Stanford head coach filled out his coaching staff yesterday, and in addition to stealing away his former employer’s director of basketball operations as an assistant coach, Dawkins brought in a Dick that knows how to find players in every alley in the Bay Area.

Feel blessed, young men of Menlo Park, for soon you will be in the presence of the biggest Dick in the history of Bay Area basketball. He will share with you his passion. He’ll treat you with his famous tenderness. And if you keep an open mind, you might just learn something from his wisdom, and reach your climax on the court. Oh yes, fair boys of Stanford, you will.

[/dick jokes]

No, seriously, we feel terrible.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
Fear Pity the Turtle

If you are looking for a ticket out of College Park, best book early – some very tall gentlemen are taking up all the good seats. If you trying to get into town, however, feel free to browse – all seats are free.

In the wake of the Tyree Evans saga and the transfer of Gus Gilchrist, wouldbe bench player Shane Walker finalized his transfer by announcing his move up the road to Loyola. If you are keeping score at home, that’s -1 outside shooter, -2 post players, and +3 open scholarships for Gary Williams.

But with the recruiting well for the coming season now dry and expected stud Sean Mosley struggling to qualify academically, the Terps may be down to nine scholarship players for next year. Williams’ options to fill out the roster: more land mine ju-co transfers, unsigned risks who can’t qualify academically or physically, or walk-ons. All are terrible choices for Williams; all are fantastic possibilities for those of us who love watching Maryland and Williams squirm.

The roster problems come on the heels of a rough stretch for the Terps … [snickers under his breath] … having missed the tournament three of the last four years . The program’s struggles seem strange, given that Maryland won the national championship only six years ago – which was so forever ago that Juan Dixon is now collecting Social Security.

But perhaps there is now a six year curse. Six years after winning 2000 title, Michigan State lost to lowly George Mason in the first round. 1999 champ UConn got upset in the 2nd round by NC State in 2005. As for 2001 champ Duke … ugh:

Four more headlines, including some moderately NSFW work, after the jump.

(more…)

School: Gonzaga, Junior.

Basketball Position: Point Guard.

Life Position: Skee-Lo.

Vitals: 6′2″, 209lb., little brother of Hornets PG Janneru Pargo.

2007-2008 Statistics: 12.1 PPG, 6.0 APG, 3.7 RPG, 1.4 SPG, 2008 WCC Player of the Year, 2008 NBA Draft Award for Draft Entrant Most Likely to Be Confused for a European Import, previously won by Mustafa Shakur, Rajon Rondo, Ike Diogu, and his older brother.

Pros: Played both guard positions well in college. Good dribbling skills. Decent rebounder given his size. Great energy and speed at both ends. Solid scorer with explosive penetration skills who attacks the hole well. Other things that sound sexual and make us feel icky for saying them.

Cons: Doesn’t seem to fit well into either guard position at the next level. Inconsistent offense manager due to poor decision making. Poor long-range shot for a pro guard. Frenetic defender who often finds himself out of position. Makes us think of North Dakota.

Projected Draft Position: Undrafted (Draft Express), Undrafted (Inside Hoops), 2nd Round / Undrafted (My NBA Draft), 2nd Round / Undrafted (Chad Ford / tWWL), 2nd Round / Undrafted (HoopsHype).

Backup plan: Pargo has set clear expectations for the draft process – though said expectations seem completely unrealistic. The ‘Zags guard earned his way into these here Profiles last week when he claimed he would only stay in the draft if he got a first-round guarantee. Um … look at the projected positions above. Then consider that DraftExpress currently puts him in the 2nd round of next year’s draft.

So, it’s a good thing he never hired an agent and can return to Spokane for his senior campaign. But judging from his comments, his unrealistic expectations aren’t limited to his pro prospects:

Pargo said that if he does return to Gonzaga, the college basketball world better be prepared.

“I think we’ll be the best team in the country to be honest,” he said.

Backup backup plan: Giving up on basketball altogether to pursue his true love – entering the exciting and challenging market of golf cart manufacturing with his new “PAR-GO” line of carts. This will inevitably end in massive tort litigation, which excites us because yay work, but should excite everyone because yay blooper videos.

Why thank you. I think the gray goatee makes me look classy as well.

No, no, no … you are too kind. Thank you for the invitation to join you at your fine institution. A fine institution, I say, because you seem like a person of honor, and as another person of honor, I take you at your word that it is such an institution. That is fine. Champagne?

I’m also pleased to see that you were able to see past the untruths that others told you about me. Poppycock, I tell you – the allegations, the pointed fingers, the name-calling, the claims that I would have my way with you then cast you aside like a sweat-stained ascot – all poppycock and tomfoolery. I can tell the depth of your [pause, with a glance down and back up] personality that you were able to see past all of that. My, you finished that quickly.

Did you know Boca Raton means “The Mouth of the Thief”? I just learned that. It’s Spanish, you know. Please, help yourself – the bottle won’t finish itself, and there is plenty more. Plenty, I assure you.

I want to think about our future together. You know I’m not like those other guys. My commitment to you is like your grandfather – it started long before I even knew you. Can you believe that? I lived here for three years before I even knew you were here as well. And now, I hope we can share something very deep, very real, forever. [adjusts tie, while winking at Alabama, Georgia, and Florida State at the same time as they all ogle him from the bar]

That’s right … drink it down.

Today, we buckle down to finish the final paper of our academic careers. Unless we don’t finish it by 5pm, in which case … well, there will be a lot more cursing on this site on Thursday.

In lieu of actual content, we provide you with a compilation of every Sunday night from our childhood. All that’s missing is the warm glow of the television, a hot cup of tea, and a burning desire to kick my sister’s ass at the perfect moment to make my way to stardom.

See you on Thursday.

Since it isn’t Wednesday, we don’t feel bad for stealing a concept from the mothership. We hope everyone enjoys Mexican St. Patrick’s Day by drinking their fill in non-Corona Mexican beer (because Corona is for people who hate themselves), eating their body weight in tortilla chips, and accidentally injuring a loved one while swinging at a piñata.

Ready to conquer all the French forces … and ladies … in his path.

Us? Oh, we’ll be doing our part for the festivities, then playing GTA IV for about ten hours before taking the last final exam of our academic careers tomorrow morning. No morning roundup, but we’ll be back in the afternoon.

Happy Mustache de Mayo, everybody!

Stockholm Syndrome!

THE GAME EVERYONE NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT

Alright, We Give Up – We Love It
Bradley 83, Tulsa 74

After careful consideration … and the prospect of no more college hoops until November … we’ve been turned around on the College Basketball Invitational. We were initially skeptical since the abject goal of the tournament was to make money off exhibition games, and the sham justification offered was, “Hey, more teams would kill to play in the postseason, even if its completely lame and no one watches!” (Which describes many regular season games as well, FWIW.) We fought against this load of crap, until sleep deprivation and a family sized bag of Funyuns forced us to accept that while their argument was a sham, it was also correct.

Players and coaches, as a general rule, enjoy games. Fans enjoy attending games. And no one is tying the rest of us down and forcing us to watch, so we can’t think of a person who is being harmed by another post-season tournament, even if we all have to admit that it’s kind of ridiculous on its face. Plus, we remembered that we like people making money. (Well, everyone but the noble amateur student-athlete, of course.)

So, Bradley and Tulsa, we embrace your battle to determine which of you is #98 – especially since you seem determined to keep your season going as long as possible. Faced with elimination at home, Bradley rushed out to a 14-point lead in the first half, then held on for the win.

OTHER HEADLINES, JUST FOR KICKS

This Doesn’t Bode Well: Memphis has suspended backup guard Andre Allen for this weekend’s games. As we covered with Sadie yesterday, Allen was a key part of Memphis’ plan to defend Darren Collison and Russell Westbrook. Plus … you know, Calipari has never had a reputation for having a quick hand with punishment, especially when the stakes are high. So our guess is there is more to this.

The Offseason Starts Early: We have no intention to do a Fulmer Cup-style tracking of all the offseason legal transgressions in college basketball (mostly because – Christ, we don’t know how Orson does it, either.) But this was too good to pass up – Penn State guard Stanley Pringle was masturbating in a library. Now, we’re not saying that such library activity is necessarily wrong – everything has a time and inappropriate place – but Pringle started the jackin’ while actively trying to engage a woman in conversation, so it’s a little more funny “oh shit” than funny “ha ha”. But we just … can’t … resist …

Once you pop, you can’t stop – even in the face of arrest.