A STORY YOU MIGHT BE TALKING ABOUT: Oregon State Beaver fans: Help/Hope is on the way! this is a change you can believe in: Beavers coach Craig Robinson has landed what SI calls a “program-changing” recruit in Roberto Nelson.  Nelson turned down UCLA, Florida, tOSU and others to go to Corvallis.  How did Robinson land the kid?  After piquing Nelson’s interest by signing a Compton Magic teammate, Robinson used what some might call an unfair tactic: he acted like a decent human being.  Just speculating here, but Gary Williams is probably not impressed.

I’ve fired my assistants THIS MANY times since halftime!

OTHER THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED:

HE RECRUITS? ARP ARP ARP: Tommy Amaker has been cleared of recruiting violations at Harvard.  This is important, as he can now get back to the important business of making excuses and not getting anything out of those recruits.

NAMELESS RICHMOND ASSISTANTS NOT SO LUCKY: Some Spiders coaches have resigned due to text-y recruiting violations.  Former UR President Bill Cooper called the former assistants “mush” and recommended that the school deal with the problem by raising tuition 31%.

THIS IS AN ACTUAL MAJOR-CONFERENCE BASKETBALL STORY.  APOLOGIES.  Former Tarhole Alex Stepheson is a USC Trojan, and could play as early as this coming season.

UNC-ASHEVILLE WILL NOT BE MAKING A CLOVERFIELD SEQUEL: Reigning Big South Defensive Player of the Year (and just gigantic dude) Kenny George is probably out for his senior season with an infected foot.  While you and I might get an infected foot and spend some time off work playing Halo, neither you nor I are 7 feet 7 inches tall, so our feet are under considerably less stress.  This must be an infection of the Michael Crichton variety; 35S wishes a speedy recovery to George.

In closing: Don’t say there’s nothing to do in the doldrums.  It’s just. Not. True.

Thanksgiving in Maui – perfect.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
Key Preseason Tournaments Announce Matchups

If the NFL preseason has taught us anything – unlikely at best, but roll with us for a minute – it is that “meaning” does not guarantee priority viewing. Preseaon NFL games may be both meaningless and poor in quality, but they’re still more entertaining to watch than Game #120 in the MLB season. (And, jeez, we actually like baseball.)

But that dirty secret is a double-edged sword, and it cuts football harshly around Thanksgiving. As anyone who has suffered through watching the Lions with a belly full of tryptophan should admit, the best sports on television during the Week of the Bird has nothing to do with a pigskin. Nay, it is the exempt preseason college hoops tournaments – they of the meaningless games and odd locales – that take the cake. And the pie. And whatever other deliciousness is left in the Thanksgiving cornucopia of metaphor.

The WWL released the schedules for three of this season’s premier exempt tourneys, and each features a few can’t miss early season matchups:

In Maui – Trendy pick Notre Dame faces off against Tom Crean’s Indiana(ish) squad, but undisputed preseason #1 North Carolina leads the field and will face host Chaminade in their first game. Given the air of infallibility surrounding this UNC team, pardon us if we cheer for the Silverswords to … ya know, pull a Chaminade.

In Anaheim – In its second year, tWWL’s own tournament might be labeled the Up-and-Coming Classic. Wake Forest, coming off a Top 10 recruiting class, will face the defending Big West champs and hosts Cal State Fullerton. The winner takes on a field consisting of former bottom-dwellers like Baylor and Arizona State, punched up with solid mid-majors like Saint Mary’s and Charlotte.

In Orlando – Also owned by tWWL but with two years of history, the Old Spice Classic pulls in an impressive field of solid teams from last year with major question marks. Tennessee post-Chris Lofton? Georgetown post-Roy Hibbert? Siena trying to become the new Gonzaga? Gonzaga trying to do better than … ya know, Gonzaga? This is literally anyone’s tournament. All we know is that Neil Patrick Harris better be there.

Three more headlines, including a lot more travel for teams and coaches, after the jump

THREE STORIES WORTH A FEW LINES APIECE

Places WAY Better Than Maui, and That’s Saying Something – Like Spain and Australia, where Cleveland State and Purdue (respectively) will spent the last part of their summer vacations, tuning up for next year. Maybe the basketball competition isn’t quite as strong, but what a travel experience for these young men. And by travel experience, we mean WOOOOOOT NUDE BEACHES AND DECENT BEER WOOOOOOOT.

Oh, We Could Think of a Few Things – Travis Ford says nothing has surprised him since coming to Stillwater from UMass earlier this year. Which is the nice political thing to say, but we imagine the answer he kept between his ears was, “Christ, if I wanted to hear nothing but country music and drink nothing but bourbon while driving down the road, I would have just gone back to Kentucky.” (Not that we condone DUIs, but OSU has a bit of a record.)

Speaking of Booze and Hoops – Because this is clearly an area where coaches have great moral authority, it makes total sense that coaches would call on the NCAA to ban alcohol advertisements from college broadcasts. No word on whether Bill Clyde, Huggy Bear, Eddie Sutton or any of the other dozens of coaches who have been pulled for DUIs despite being of-age, in public positions, and for God’s sakes KNOWING BETTER signed the letter.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
Parrish: “I Don’t Really Love Sports Anymore”

If you’re anything like us, there was one great mystery left unsolved in CBS’ decision to let Billy Packer go out to pasture – how on earth were they going to hold onto the dour curmudgeon demographic? Sure, the 18-24 kids are the advertiser’s wet dream, but a network like CBS can’t ignore its base of tapioca slurpers, can it? Without Packer, where were these viewers going to get the “darn kids these days” coverage they crave?

We should have known the network brass were smarter than us. Just like their ad revenue, CBS is simply moving their crass, disinterested reporting online, in the form of Gary Parrish. From an Q&A with 35S favorite A Sea of Blue:

I mean, sitting courtside at this years [sic] national title game [as a life-long Memphis fan] should’ve been one of the highlights of my life. But it wasn’t. I was indifferent to the whole thing, and I don’t say that in an attempt to prove I’m impartial. It kinda makes me sad, actually, because the main reason I wanted to be a sports writer was because I loved sports, and I don’t really love sports anymore.

Bravo, CBS. Bra-f’in-vo. Somewhere in LA, Bill Simmons is mouthing “I told you so”. Gary, put on some Eddie Vedder and let the indifference set in.

Three more headlines, including some Grade A fan gouging, after the jump:

THREE STORIES WORTH A FEW LINES APIECE

Now Available at Concessions: Snake Oil! – Last month, Drake’s athletic department announced price increases for basketball season tickets along with new PSL requirements for high-priced seats. Which makes perfect sense, given their surprising run to the Valley title, a first round loss, the departure of a beloved legacy coach for Providence, and the graduation of 60% of your point production. When the stock’s on the rise, the fans will wanna can be forced to invest!

Trent Johnson Better Really Like The Food in Baton Rouge – Look at the bright side, Trent – you’ll have time to finish setting up your new home. Taking a page from Duke’s oh-so-successful profitable book, the Bayou Bengals will be playing only two non-conference road dates, if you count a neutral site game against Texas A&M in Houston as a road game. (And we do!) When asked whether his new team needed to geaux on the road a bit more often to prepare for the tournament, Johnson showed his readiness for the LSU job by responding, “ESS-EEE-SEE SPEEEEEEEEEEEED!!”

Even We Aren’t Tasteless Enough to Make Refugee Jokes – John Riek, a coveted Sudanese center, committed to Cincinnati over the weekend, but won’t be available until the new year while he nurses a detached ACL. We’d wonder if Riek is disappointed to play college hoops after he originally declared for the draft, but at Cincinnati, we’re not entirely sure there is a difference.

Meanwhile, Teeng Akoi, a 6′11″ forward also from Sudan, is shopping middle America after failing to qualify academically at South Florida. Nick Saban may laugh at that concept, but for a foreign student, Akoi seemed to show sufficient knowledge of Nebraska’s geography:

“I think I can help them,” Akol told the Journal Star on Sunday. “I’m not familiar with everything, but I know they’re in the Big 12.”

Son, that’s more than enough to get you into a Husker jersey. Everything else you need to know, you can learn from Wakko.

Working for a Fortune 500 company can be a drag. Sure, once you get to the top level you get money, perks, and fame*. But until that point, work can be a drag. Go to the office, sit down in your cubicle, keep your head down and hope that the paychecks keep coming.

But then comes the day that every corporate worker bee hopes for – the day that the the CEO of the company reaches out to you personally to say that you are doing a great job not just as an employee, but as a parent. So impressed is he, in fact, that he hopes that your child will attend his alma mater – all the way across the country.

Wait, wait – sorry, doesn’t that happen to everyone? You could have fooled Oseye Gaddy, since the customer service rep for FedEx got just such a phone call earlier this week from company CEO David Bronczek.

We share Gaddy’s joy in the well-deserved praise, and we’re certain that Bronczek’s choice to reach out to her personally had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Gaddy’s son, Abdul Gaddy, is a highly sought-after point guard in the recruiting Class of 2009, and that one of his top pursuers is Memphis, which happens to be Bronczek’s favorite local team**.

But just to be sure, those boy scouts in Memphis reported the phone call to the NCAA just the same – seems that boosters calling recruits is kinda-sorta-maybe a NCAA rules violation. Bronczek claims he was unaware of the restriction, which just shows that he didn’t watch very much college football in the early 1980s.

Meanwhile, Oseye will keep living the work-a-day life with her head held high. When you know that if you live right, work hard, and happen to parent an athletically gifted young man who becomes the (only slightly creepy) fancy of older, richer men, everything will work out just fine.

For Bronczek and his Memphis colleagues, though, they might want to figure out other ways to push Gaddy towards the Tigers – seems that a certain contingent on the interwebs already has him headed for Tuscon. Because we know how well young point guards mix with Lute Olsen.

* – By fame, of course, we mean “the ability to walk around with your d*** out in the office and the country club locker room, even if no one on the street knows who you are”.

** – Did we say “favorite local team”? We meant “chosen recipient of over $500,000 in athletic donations from Bronczek, and likely much more”.

Brandon Jennings made the seemingly-inevitable announcement yesterday that, regardless of how his third round of testing turned out, he would be heading to Europe next year rather than honoring his commitment to play for Arizona. Jeff Goodman speculates that recent delays by Jennings may have been a little disingenuous, and Lute Olson seemed more than glad to throw yet another person under the bus in the process. (But, in this case, who could blame him?)

Regardless, Jennings’ decision, combined with Jerryd Bayless leaving for the NBA, leaves a point guard sized hole in the Wildcat lineup. We’d hope that the Wildcats would bounce back from this loss, but frankly, over the last couple of years, the Arizona squads have shown that they have a lot of quit in them. So, we wonder if the ‘Cats should save everyone the trouble and follow Jennings across the pond.

Lute Olson? Can chase more crazy tail in his homeland of Norway.

Listen, honey – it’s lutefisk or Lute’s fist, one or the other.

Chase Budinger? Pro ball in the Netherlands, natch.

Somebody get that kid some Visine.

I’m thrilled, just thrilled, to announce that I’ve signed a contract extension to stay at UCLA through the 2014-15 season. It’s a real honor to be able to stay on here in Westwood, even after three straight Final Fours, given the way things started out here. And yes, before you can ask … they did right by me with the figures. I’ll be financially secure while remaining a Bruin, and that’s very comforting for my family and me.

But, frankly, $2 million a year was just frosting on the cake. Rich, delicious frosting to be sure, but that wasn’t why I signed the extension. I could get money coaching on the street. (And I have!) But what really made this deal special for me, as a native Californian, was that UCLA showed that they truly want me to feel like a part of the community here in Los Angeles.

And offering me my own gang – well, that was just a special, make-you-feel-at-home offer I couldn’t refuse.

And you know, about damn time. Fourteen years of coaching tough man-on-man defense, and no one knew until now that what I really wanted was to supervise tough man-on-man violence? What, I wasn’t tough enough? Come on now. So, seriously, to Dan Guerrero and everyone at the Athletic Department – thanks for making this happen.

I guess the only thing we need to work out is a gang sign. This is new territory for me – I’ve been a leader of young men before, but they were always wearing uniforms, so I didn’t need a special symbol to differentiate my boys from everyone else. Hm. Let’s try a few out.

Oh, this is the money sign. Come on, who wouldn’t love this? ‘W’s with each hand to show who the winner is. [hears murmurs from press corps] What do you mean it’s already taken? Jesus Christ, I gotta start listening to more hip hop.

Not bad, not bad – definitely unique, though it might be tough to see from a distance. Just need to gently holding the thumb, pointing just so between the primary and second knuckles on my right … DAMMIT, KID, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? YEAH, YOU IN THE BLUE. HOLD THE THUMB AND POINT. DON’T JUST … ah, dammit, this isn’t gonna work. I need something that the dumbest 12-year-old in West L.A. can sign so I don’t accidentally shoot them in the face.

DONE. Simple, clear, and this way my boys when to come home to talk to Daddy Ben.

OK, good, good and productive day here, guys. I gotta go recruit.

Brandon Jennings, the all-world recruit of Arizona slated to serve as a one-year replacement for one-year star Jerryd Bayless, made headlines last week by stating that he might play in Europe next year if he can’t qualify academically for NCAA play. Now, to the delight of the pro-labor opponents of the “one-and-done” rule, Jennings says that he might go to Europe regardless of whether he qualifies, since he only planned on spending a year in school anyway.

But as thousands of liberal arts majors learn the hard way each year, running away to Europe doesn’t solve all your problems stateside. As DeCourcy points out, why would a European club that won’t even play its own (read: controlled under multi-year development contracts) young players give big cash and PT to a one-and-done American kid?

If he chooses the European route, Jennings is essentially choosing to stand pat on his 2009 draft position, hoping that no one playing stateside – getting significant minutes and against better competition – passes him in the process. Seeing as how DraftExpress has him as next year’s #5 pick right now – maybe that’s not his worst choice.

But come on, Brandon – go to Tuscon for a year. If not for yourself, do it for Lute, who we swear is one more piece of bad news away from officially going batshit crazy (and, frankly, that piece of bad news could be a bad prune in his tapioca). And if you can’t even do it for Lute, for God’s sakes, do it for us. We were banking on getting at least a couple of jokes out of your stylin’ flattop.

Comic gold, Brandon. Don’t leave us hanging.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT

Sadly, the biggest – and, for the most part, only – story in college basketball today is actually a story about pro basketball:

How old school are we? 2006 old school, that’s how we do.

The draft is melancholy for us. On one hand, we will watch any draft of any sport because we are … how do you put this … addicts. There is something intensely interesting about watching the future unfold, not to mention that we, like Bill Simmons’ and his dad, roundly enjoy reviewing the suits each year. Plus, if you can’t enjoy watching Stephen A. Smith interview someone who doesn’t speak English – well, brother, we just don’t know what to tell you.

(Oddly, we now have a taste for cheez doodles. Which are delicious.)

On the other hand, however, the draft is where we bid a fond farewell to college players we enjoyed because … well, we just don’t give a damn about the NBA. We’ve tried, and we just can’t. It’s not because we think the quality of play is poor; we don’t think that’s true in the slightest (at least, not anymore). It’s not that we don’t find the games entertaining, or that we have a problem with the NBA “culture”. It’s that we have no blood on that field; we have no stake in what happens at that level.

We grew up as Cleveland Cavaliers fans, which was fun during the glory years with Mark Price and Brad Daugherty. (See, Carolina fans? We can let grudges go.) But then Daugherty got hurt and starting caring more about racing than playing. Price got traded. The Cavs acquired Shawn Kemp (and future negotiation rights with all 329 of his children), who promptly got fat and terrible. The team sucked. And then the 1998 lockout happened.

Even as college kids, there was only so much time we had to devote to following sports – there were things called “Goldeneye”, “beer” and “trim” to which we wanted to devote our attention. And at that time, with our team in shambles and the league thumbing its nose at its fans – well, we just couldn’t care anymore.

We’ve tried to go back to it – it’s not like we’re unaware that the Cavs have the best basketball player alive right now – but any devotion we may have had to our team is gone. As Simmons put it – like him or hate him, he sometimes finds a nut – when you cheer for a team these days, you are essentially cheering for laundry. And you know what? We just don’t care about that laundry anymore, because it’s so evident that those wearing it don’t care either. And without a rooting interest, frankly, just about any sport becomes difficult to follow with any sort of regularity.

Is it that much better at the college level? We’d like to think so – after all, a player chooses where to go to play his college ball, and part of us really wants to believe that players who choose to attend our alma maters share some of the same hopes and dreams we had when we first stepped on campus years ago. It can’t ALL be based on booster gifts, coaching personalities, and co-eds, right? (Though, in fairness, we had hopes and dreams for the same co-eds. We just had no chance.)

No one knows for sure, of course, and we’ll admit that our view is a rosy one, especially as it pertains to top level players. But we’d rather cast our lots with the guys who, at the margins, are playing for fun rather than the guys who are, at the margins, playing as a job.

So, we’ll be watching the Draft tonight – partly for fun, but partly to say goodbye to players that we won’t see or read much about again. It’s the cyclical nature of college sports, but it’s still kind of sad.

Emmanuel Negedu, the last top-level recruit available for the Class of 2008, faced the same difficult choice as other top recruits: which major program will he give his soul for the next four three two some indefinite period of time?

After commanding the full attention of four top programs for the last month, Negedu finally made his decision yesterday, committing to play in Knoxville for Bruce Pearl and the Volunteers.

For Memphis and Arizona, two of the programs Negedu jilted, the news makes this week bittersweet. Both programs went 50-50 with players leaving early for the pros, and both could have used the services of the small-in-size but big-in-game power forward. For Indiana … Tom Crean’s search for any bodies willing to throw on an IU uniform continues.

But for Pearl, it’s celebration time, and for the media’s favorite coach, you know that can only mean one thing:

Time to hit the lake! Where’s Pat? Call Erin!

Quick -what is the greatest skill that Johnny Dawkins brought with him from Durham to Palo Alto? Is it his familiarty with Ivy wannabe employers that expect athletic success without compromising their standards? His ability to recruit talent within those confines? His abilities as a teacher of the jump shot and defense?

Nay, fair civilians – you know the true answer. The clincher in the hiring was Dawkins’ ability to deal with a huge dick. To work with it, to learn from it, and ultimately to love it.

And that love is what made Dawkins so appealing to a Bay Area team, so desperate to find a man that knew a good dick when he saw one.

And Dawkins has followed through as hoped – the Stanford head coach filled out his coaching staff yesterday, and in addition to stealing away his former employer’s director of basketball operations as an assistant coach, Dawkins brought in a Dick that knows how to find players in every alley in the Bay Area.

Feel blessed, young men of Menlo Park, for soon you will be in the presence of the biggest Dick in the history of Bay Area basketball. He will share with you his passion. He’ll treat you with his famous tenderness. And if you keep an open mind, you might just learn something from his wisdom, and reach your climax on the court. Oh yes, fair boys of Stanford, you will.

[/dick jokes]

Is nice!

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
Late Recruits Give Ringing Endorsements

With the draft intrigue now long passed (well, unless Mbah a Moute doesn’t hire an agent, then goes undrafted, then returns to school … [sigh] … ), we return our attention to the players who actually want to play college basketball.

With the recruiting season all but finished, only a few big names from the juco ranks remained up for grabs – and boy, they all committed to their new schools with unbridled joy! Just look at these statements:

From Charles Garcia, Jr., the newest member of the Washington Huskies: “I just didn’t want to deal with the whole recruiting process,” he said. “I wanted to get it out of the way.” That’s the spirit! Go UW!

From Roburt Sallie, now a Memphis Tiger – which isn’t too bad considering that the only reason he was available now was because Nebraska – that’s right, NEBRASKA – was forced to boot him under Big XII rules due to an administrative error. “For some reason, God didn’t intend me to play for Nebraska. I was dedicated to them and I still wish today I’d have the opportunity to play for them because they’re great.” See? A Tony the Tiger reference! He’s gonna love Memphis! And it’s natural to be pining after your homely ex after you start dating the cheerleader!

Finally, Kentucky transfer Derrick Jasper finally determined where his new home would be – and it will be in the desert, playing for Lon Kruger’s squad in Vegas. His supporters say he wanted to be closer to his Cali home. UK fans think he might have been too soft for Lexington. We think, given the destination, the reason behind the transfer is more basic:

Four more headlines, including plenty of legal action for the week, after the jump.

FOUR STORIES WORTH A FEW LINES APIECE

Look, Don’t Touch, and For God’s Sake Don’t Show – Kansas’ presumed floor leader for next season, Sherron Collins, was found liable in a civil suit for “exposing himself and rubbing against [the plaintiff] despite being told repeatedly to stop.” Bill Self had enough problems already, with four of his best players now in the draft – now he apparently needs to reteach Collins when it is appropriate to stick his body on a man.

Because Whistleblower Interviews Are All the Rage – Former O.J. Mayo hanger-on Louis Johnson met with officials from the NCAA, Pac-10, and USC over the weekend in what we’re sure was a friendly, jocular seven-hour probe. What types of questions do you imagine the USC attorneys were asking? “So … Mr. Johnson, do you prefer radical Islamic terrorism, or killing babies with your bare hands?”

Better Late Than Never – A late addition to the “returning to school” list from yesterday: Lester Hudson, who withdrew his name from the draft with nary a moment to spare. Hudson had hoped to go in the first round, but withdrew when NBA scouts told him they had no fucking clue where UT-Martin was.

A Deal with the Devil … – … but damned if we could tell you who is the devil and who just sold their soul: Comcast and the Big Ten Network appear to be near a compromise deal to put the rarely watched money-grubbing Jim Delany plaything boutique network on the Comcast premium sports tier after one season in its basic tier.

Final update of the day, but we start it with a pop quiz, because we’re feeling all multiple-choicy today thanks to our bar studies:

Three major players are left to decide their draft status. (A) is slated to go in the late first round. (B) is projected to go in the early in the second. Most analysts say (C) will go undrafted. Only one of them decides to return to school. Who would you lay your money on to return to school?

If you guessed (C), you would make a logical choice. But the draft, much like the bar exam, has absolutely nothing to do with logic – which is why the correct choice is (A), and the correct player is woulda-coulda first rounder Chase Budinger of Arizona.

Budinger was leaning towards going pro as late as last night, but apparently had a change of heart. Score this as a huge get for Lute Olson and the Wildcats, who now return an experienced squad with the only major change being the swap of one freshman point guard (Jerryd Bayless, a secure Top-10 pick) for another (All-World recruit Brandon Jennings). But damn if it doesn’t seem strange.

As for the two going pro, the first off the decision block was Cal’s Ryan Anderson, who DraftExpress has going in the early 2nd round. It stands to reason that Anderson felt his stock couldn’t go much higher, considering he led the Pac-10 in scoring and nearly averaged a double-double in his second season.

For expert, non-race neutral advice!

Anderson’s decision to turn pro was evidently finalized after a family movie night , featuring “The Courtship of Eddie’s Father”. In case you are unfamiliar with the movie – and golly, why wouldn’t you be? – IMDB sums up a key plot point:

Eddie shows open disdain for [his father's new girlfriend], solely because she has squinty eyes like all the “bad” girls in the comic books.

See? The movie told Anderson learned that Asian people are bad, so he needed to get out of the Bay Area as fast as possible! It all makes sense now!

Oh, 1960s culture – how we miss your blatant use of stereotypes to make a joke AND a point.

[/sarcasm]

Our final early entrant from the major programs – Luc Richard Mbah a Moute of UCLA, who will reportedly remain in the draft and hire an agent this week. We report this with no shortage of regret, because as Mbah a Moute will likely go undrafted and had a great gig back in Westwood, we meant to write a Profile in Hubris on him last week. Considering that every other player so treated dropped out of the draft … well, damned if we won’t feel a bit responsible if next Thursday is a long night for Luc. Bruins fans, feel free to blame us. (Once you are done blaming SMQ, anyway.)

With the 5pm deadline now in the rearview, all other players are presumed to remain in the draft, and are therefore dead to us. Below, the list of players continuing their college careers:

Definitely Returning to School

A.J. Abrams, Texas
Josh Akognon, Cal State Fullerton
Antonio Anderson, Memphis
Chase Budinger, Arizona
DeMarre Carroll, Missouri
Josh Carter, Texas A&M
Darren Collison, UCLA
Lee Cummard, BYU
Wayne Ellington, UNC
Alonzo Gee, Alabama
Danny Green, UNC
Stefon Jackson, UTEP
Ty Lawson, UNC
Leo Lyons, Missouri
Jerel McNeal, Marquette
Josh Shipp, UCLA
Ronald Steele, Alabama
Robert Vaden, UAB
Lorrenzo Wade, San Diego State

School: UCLA, Junior.

Basketball Position: Wing (SG/SF).

Life Position: Wingman.

Vitals: 6′5″, 220lb., 23 years old. We understand redshirting and everything, but doesn’t 23 seem old for a junior who isn’t a refugee or a past missionary? Or are we just out of touch?

2007-2008 Statistics: 12.2 PPG, 3.2 RPG, 1.1 RPG, 1.3 SPG. Understandable stats considering the talent all around him, but he did finish in the Top 10 in the nation in minutes played, and the Top 25 in 3-pointers attempted. So, he stayed healthy, and launched a lot of shots while he was out there. That’s not necessarily a net plus.

Pros: Solid shooter from long range if he gets a clean look. Above average ball handling and passing for a wing. Rotates well away from the ball on defense and clogs up passing lanes. Good athlete who runs the court well, despite hip surgery two years ago. Capable of making illegal incredible shots to win games.

Cons: Squishy shooter from long range if he doesn’t get a clean look. Scoring is somewhat inconsistent, as he got shut down late in the season by good defensive teams. Weak man-to-man defender. Is essentially the same player he was when starting college in 2004 – solid but unremarkable.

Projected Draft Position: Undrafted (Draft Express), Undrafted (Inside Hoops), Undrafted (NBADraft.net), 2nd Round / Undrafted (My NBA Draft), 2nd Round / Undrafted (Chad Ford / tWWL), 2nd Round / Undrafted (HoopsHype).

Backup plan: Shipp saved himself from a Profile in Hubris by withdrawing from the Draft last night. With Shipp and fellow declaring/withdrawing senior Darren Collison, UCLA will have one of the most talented and experienced backcourts in the nation next year. Suddenly, the Bruins making a fourth consecutive Final Four sounds like a realistic proposition even without Westbrook and Love.

Backup backup plan: After all the references to his winning shot against Cal as a “circus” shot, Shipp could decide to fulfill every child’s dream by running away to join the circus. Cirque de Soleil is all the rage these days, but making the acrobat squad would require an incredible amount of patience and practice for Shipp – and, perhaps, man lust.

INDIANAPOLIS (AP) – In an announcement that shocked the world of college athletics and sent pundits scrambling for their keyboards, the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) revealed today that it is considering outsourcing its sports programs to other countries, and has already started pilot programs in college basketball to test the move.

“Outsourcing has been on our agenda for over four years,” said Brand, noting that the NCAA undertook extensive studies of the topic before starting the pilot programs this year. “In the beginning, we were really just thinking about merchandise and information management, but the more we explored the issue, the more we thought: why not the sports themselves?”

The pilot programs began play a few months ago in Southern India, as students from small colleges in Mangaluru, Bengaluru, Chalakudi, Goa and Chennai took on the monikers of similar schools from the Big Ten Conference, who willingly participated in the experiment. Bengaluru’s venerable law school became “Michigan”, while an engineering school in Goa became “Purdue”.

The outgoing commissioners of the Big East and Pacific 10 Conferences, Mike Tranghese and Tom Hanson, co-chaired the committee exploring athletic outsourcing. Though both commissioners admitted to being skeptical of the concept at first, both feel the move could improve college athletics.

“Let’s face it – as much as we like to say that college sports is about amateur athleticism, for the revenue sports like men’s basketball and football, it’s a business,” said Hanson from his office in Los Angeles. “Unfortunately, it’s a failing business.”

Hanson claims that, while many believe that ill-advised new stadiums built without sufficient private funding are the source of many school’s financial woes, labor costs are the actual culprit. Costs associated with players, including scholarships, tutoring, travel, hookers and hush money, have risen sharply over the past decade, suffocating all but the largest college athletic programs.

“If we could raise more money at the retail end, it would be one thing,” said Tranghese, famous for serving as the initial chair of the Bowl Championship Series that dramatically increased conference revenues from the end games of the college football season. “But we’ve bled that turnip to the point where we’re starting to get uncomfortable questions about torture practices. So we need to slash costs, and frankly, it’s got to come from the players. They’ve been getting the better end of the bargain for years now.”

After determining that player costs could not possibly be lowered domestically due to conference constitutions regarding athletes’ rights and United States labor law, the NCAA sought to understand the outsourcing phenomenon so popular in other businesses today.

“Northwestern”, actually a medical college in Mangaluru, battles “Ohio State”, a large industrial institute based in Chennai.

Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delany was glad to volunteer his conference as the first to attempt outsourcing its teams.

“Our stockholders – and by that, I mean myself and the university presidents benefiting from this crap – want us to explore any avenue possible to increase profitability,” said Delany. “We’ll work out the details down the end, but I couldn’t pass up the chance to put the Big Ten at the forefront of innovation.”

If the pilot program is adopted, each conference will pick a developing Asian country’s college to host its teams. The teams will then dress in the uniforms of their American counterpart, while playing each season’s regular season schedule in stadiums on their home campus. Scholarship athletes in the United States will only participate in post-season play.

When asked if he believed the move would hurt the fan experience, Tranghese pointed to the Bowl Championship Series as a sign that fans will follow a sport no matter what the NCAA does.

“Brand loyalty is lock-stock certain at this level – so, does it really matter who is wearing the brand?” said Tranghese. “Fans of college athletics have already shown a willingness to see past a player’s backgrounds – be it their race, where they are from, or their criminal record – if they can perform on the field. We see no reason why fans won’t adopt these foreign students as their own.”

“Besides,” added Hanson, “what dedicated fan wouldn’t look at a regular season game in Pusan, South Korea, and think that it was time for a road trip?”

The NCAA is expected to decide whether to adopt the outsourcing program in the next six to six hundred months.

Straight ballin’.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
DWI Doesn’t Pay Matter

Breaking the law is bad, but if you drink and drive, you will have committed the crime of greatest moral turpitude of all. It’s bad enough that you become a threat to yourself and others, to person and property alike. But brother, it also shows you can’t hold your liquor, and there ain’t nothing less American than a man who can’t hold his sauce.

But feel calmed, citizens – everything you have been taught from a young age is true. When you commit this great breach of conduct and judgment, you will be caught and punished severely by both the public and private. Criminal sanction? Of course. Public shame? Absolutely. Distrust of loved ones? Possibly. Cautious reaction by potential employers? Practically certain.

Unless, of course, you are Ty Lawson, a pure point guard with strong defense, penetration skills, and a love of rollin’ saucy with the music pumping. Then, son, you have a chance to find work in Denver, if FOX’s Jeff Goodman is right:

My guess is that some teams may shy away from the North Carolina sophomore point guard, but I doubt Denver will be one of them.

Remember, the Nuggets, who pick at No. 20, are the team rumored to be extremely interested in Lawson.

The Nuggets have Allen Iverson, Carmelo Anthony, J.R. Smith and Kenyon Martin on their roster.

Not exactly model citizens.

We couldn’t agree more, though we now question what types of “Nuggets” these modern Denver players are searching for … though we suspect a gram-sensitive scale is still appropriate.

Only gold from them thar hills, brah, we promise.

UPDATE: Apparently, Lawson didn’t show up for his scheduled workout with the Nuggs today. Either Lawson is an idiot, or he has a lock stock guarantee from another team that picks before the Nuggets at #20 that he’ll be their pick. A tip of the cap again to Jeff Goodman for his excellent work.

THREE STORIES WORTH A FEW LINES APIECE

Mixed News in Bluegrass – The Louisville Courier-Journal (the only major paper that covers CBB religiously year-round) gives a forgiving account of Earl Clark’s decision to drop out of the draft, but also includes a sad mention of the passing of UK’s longtime equipment manager.

Killing Two Birds One Bird and One Amphibian With One Stone – Gus Gilchrist, who transferred to Maryland from Virginia Tech before ever suiting up for the Hokies, now wants out of the ACC entirely when the conference ruled the intraconference transfer would cost him a year of eligibility. Bad news for Maryland, but it puts Gilchrist on pace to leave school in six years, which is about the par for VPI and Maryland students anyway. (Hardy har har rivals are the sux hardy har.)

Sometimes We Miss Little Details – Like, when it turns out that the new holder of one of the worst coaching jobs in college basketball also happens to be the brother-in-law of the presumptive Democratic nominee for President. Can Obamania bring the Beavers to the top of the Pac-10? Um … no.

We don’t think Obama will adopt this creepy creepy art as his campaign poster in Oregon.