Brandon Jennings, the all-world recruit of Arizona slated to serve as a one-year replacement for one-year star Jerryd Bayless, made headlines last week by stating that he might play in Europe next year if he can’t qualify academically for NCAA play. Now, to the delight of the pro-labor opponents of the “one-and-done” rule, Jennings says that he might go to Europe regardless of whether he qualifies, since he only planned on spending a year in school anyway.

But as thousands of liberal arts majors learn the hard way each year, running away to Europe doesn’t solve all your problems stateside. As DeCourcy points out, why would a European club that won’t even play its own (read: controlled under multi-year development contracts) young players give big cash and PT to a one-and-done American kid?

If he chooses the European route, Jennings is essentially choosing to stand pat on his 2009 draft position, hoping that no one playing stateside - getting significant minutes and against better competition - passes him in the process. Seeing as how DraftExpress has him as next year’s #5 pick right now - maybe that’s not his worst choice.

But come on, Brandon - go to Tuscon for a year. If not for yourself, do it for Lute, who we swear is one more piece of bad news away from officially going batshit crazy (and, frankly, that piece of bad news could be a bad prune in his tapioca). And if you can’t even do it for Lute, for God’s sakes, do it for us. We were banking on getting at least a couple of jokes out of your stylin’ flattop.

Comic gold, Brandon. Don’t leave us hanging.

Rick Pitino: Phew. Recruiting season is over for the fall, so I can finally enjoy the summer a little bit before things get cranking again next month … make a few bucks on the speaker circuit, maybe work in a week back in Italy with the wife. But first, I gotta check in on my ponies down at the race track.

[walks into stable]

Pitino: Hey there, Val. Good horse. You want a carrot? You want a little nuzzle with Daddy Rick? Yeah … just you and me here now …

[stall door swings open]

Derrick Caracter: You better do that question thang!

Pitino: Shit.

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School: UCLA, Junior.

Basketball Position: Wing (SG/SF).

Life Position: Wingman.

Vitals: 6′5″, 220lb., 23 years old. We understand redshirting and everything, but doesn’t 23 seem old for a junior who isn’t a refugee or a past missionary? Or are we just out of touch?

2007-2008 Statistics: 12.2 PPG, 3.2 RPG, 1.1 RPG, 1.3 SPG. Understandable stats considering the talent all around him, but he did finish in the Top 10 in the nation in minutes played, and the Top 25 in 3-pointers attempted. So, he stayed healthy, and launched a lot of shots while he was out there. That’s not necessarily a net plus.

Pros: Solid shooter from long range if he gets a clean look. Above average ball handling and passing for a wing. Rotates well away from the ball on defense and clogs up passing lanes. Good athlete who runs the court well, despite hip surgery two years ago. Capable of making illegal incredible shots to win games.

Cons: Squishy shooter from long range if he doesn’t get a clean look. Scoring is somewhat inconsistent, as he got shut down late in the season by good defensive teams. Weak man-to-man defender. Is essentially the same player he was when starting college in 2004 - solid but unremarkable.

Projected Draft Position: Undrafted (Draft Express), Undrafted (Inside Hoops), Undrafted (NBADraft.net), 2nd Round / Undrafted (My NBA Draft), 2nd Round / Undrafted (Chad Ford / tWWL), 2nd Round / Undrafted (HoopsHype).

Backup plan: Shipp saved himself from a Profile in Hubris by withdrawing from the Draft last night. With Shipp and fellow declaring/withdrawing senior Darren Collison, UCLA will have one of the most talented and experienced backcourts in the nation next year. Suddenly, the Bruins making a fourth consecutive Final Four sounds like a realistic proposition even without Westbrook and Love.

Backup backup plan: After all the references to his winning shot against Cal as a “circus” shot, Shipp could decide to fulfill every child’s dream by running away to join the circus. Cirque de Soleil is all the rage these days, but making the acrobat squad would require an incredible amount of patience and practice for Shipp - and, perhaps, man lust.

Terrible news coming out of Illinois this morning - Kevin Bryant, a recent graduate of Illinois Wesleyan University and a three-year letterman for the school’s Division III basketball team, died in Colorado on Sunday as the result of a whitewater rafting accident.

Bryant was not a standout on the court - his senior year, he only played in seven games - but those who knew Bryant said he wore his bench-warmer status with a smile, working tirelessly to make his team and teammates better.

Condolences go out to Bryant’s family and friends, and to the IWU athletic community.

School: Gonzaga, Junior.

Basketball Position: Point Guard.

Life Position: Skee-Lo.

Vitals: 6′2″, 209lb., little brother of Hornets PG Janneru Pargo.

2007-2008 Statistics: 12.1 PPG, 6.0 APG, 3.7 RPG, 1.4 SPG, 2008 WCC Player of the Year, 2008 NBA Draft Award for Draft Entrant Most Likely to Be Confused for a European Import, previously won by Mustafa Shakur, Rajon Rondo, Ike Diogu, and his older brother.

Pros: Played both guard positions well in college. Good dribbling skills. Decent rebounder given his size. Great energy and speed at both ends. Solid scorer with explosive penetration skills who attacks the hole well. Other things that sound sexual and make us feel icky for saying them.

Cons: Doesn’t seem to fit well into either guard position at the next level. Inconsistent offense manager due to poor decision making. Poor long-range shot for a pro guard. Frenetic defender who often finds himself out of position. Makes us think of North Dakota.

Projected Draft Position: Undrafted (Draft Express), Undrafted (Inside Hoops), 2nd Round / Undrafted (My NBA Draft), 2nd Round / Undrafted (Chad Ford / tWWL), 2nd Round / Undrafted (HoopsHype).

Backup plan: Pargo has set clear expectations for the draft process - though said expectations seem completely unrealistic. The ‘Zags guard earned his way into these here Profiles last week when he claimed he would only stay in the draft if he got a first-round guarantee. Um … look at the projected positions above. Then consider that DraftExpress currently puts him in the 2nd round of next year’s draft.

So, it’s a good thing he never hired an agent and can return to Spokane for his senior campaign. But judging from his comments, his unrealistic expectations aren’t limited to his pro prospects:

Pargo said that if he does return to Gonzaga, the college basketball world better be prepared.

“I think we’ll be the best team in the country to be honest,” he said.

Backup backup plan: Giving up on basketball altogether to pursue his true love - entering the exciting and challenging market of golf cart manufacturing with his new “PAR-GO” line of carts. This will inevitably end in massive tort litigation, which excites us because yay work, but should excite everyone because yay blooper videos.

Stop the madness.

O.J. Mayo seems content to go about his NBA draft business these days - you can find pre-draft profiles of him hyah and hyah - but the saga of the alleged payments he received whilst still at Da U (West Coast Office) continues whether we like it or not.

The latest - the California state attorney general’s office has opened an inquiry into whether middleman extraordinaire Rodney Guillory was illegally using a credit card belonging to a sickle cell anemia charity when he was buying Mayo all his pre-pro schwag.

For all three of you who actually want to see Mayo go down for this - and you know who you are - calm yourselves. Despite getting involved in this mess, the AG’s office seems just as interested in prosecuting this case as Mayo was interested in staying in school:

Regarding Mayo’s possible culpability, ]special agent Danny] Kim earlier told ESPN.com, “I don’t think we want to go there. I don’t know if there’s any penal code charges we can charge him [with] for [accepting goods from Guillory with that card].”

He told The Times, “It’s not a big-priority case among all the things we do, I’m not even a big fan of college basketball, but I understand it’s important and we’ll get it checked out.”

Given the current state of the California state government, Agent Kim, we’ll expect your report back sometime after Mayo retires from the Association.

35S: Uplifting and Informative.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
And Sometimes You Get Lucky

After yesterday’s legal-heavy day, we thought we would take the roundup into the weekend with the happier stories from this week. Odd though it may be, the happiest story broke last night, as incoming Louisville center Clarence Holloway found out he would never suit up for the Cardinals.

UK fans likely would this was good news on its face - hardy har har Rick Pitino sux har har - but in this case, Holloway’s basketball career was brought to an end by a series of medical problems, including a leak in his aortic valve and a rare muscle condition known as Marfan Syndrome:

“God works in mysterious ways,” said U of L Coach Rick Pitino. “Clarence developed a stress fracture his senior year [of high school], which kept him sidelined and probably saved his life. Detecting his heart condition and the subsequent surgery when he arrived at U of L was also a life-saving measure. Now, after this special testing, we know that the condition he has will make him unable to play basketball for the rest of his life. He will now begin a new journey, which will hopefully lead him to gaining a very strong education here at U of L and to prosper in a different walk of life. We’re behind him 100 percent.”

(HT: Fanhouse.) Obviously rough news for young Clarence, but obviously good news that they caught both conditions early so treatment and monitoring can begin before something terrible happens. Good on you, Mr. Holloway, and best wishes as you begin a non-basketball life.

And now, some requisite rock to get pumped for the remainder of the roundup.

(more…)

School: North Carolina, Junior.

Basketball Position: Sixth Man.

Life Position: Little Man Syndrome.

Vitals: 6′6, 210lb., 140lbs of which is ego.

2007-2008 Statistics: 11.5 PPG, 4.9 RPG, 1.2 BPG and SPG, as many assists as turnovers. Accounted for about 10% of the Tar Heels’ offensive and defensive statistics and 95% of their pre-game dancing.

Pros: Textbook sixth man. Could defend any college player. Reliable energy spark off the bench. Not afraid to drive the lane. Pretty good behind the arc (37.3%) and at the stripe (87.3%). Fan favorite for many things, mostly for posterizing Greg Paulus. (You’ll need to click through. We’re not posting that picture. No way, no how.

Cons: Textbook ‘tweener. Unclear whether he can defend any NBA player. Never started, and no one thought he should have. Will get destroyed if he drives the NBA lane against bigger defenders. Can’t create his own shot. May request leave from team to audition for So You Think You Can Dance.

(more…)

Absolute badass.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
Excuses, Explanations, and Honest-to-God Reasons

When Tennessee’s Chris Lofton struggled early this season even against cupcake opponents, some wondered what was holding the 2006-2007 SEC Player of the Year back. At the time, UT’s head trainer Chad Newman said, “These people that are questioning Chris are going to feel pretty stupid when they find out what’s wrong with him.”

Yes, yes we do - turns out that Lofton was catching up physically after fighting cancer in the offseason:

“When I first heard that word, ‘cancer,’ I thought I was going to die,” said Lofton, whose cancer was detected through an NCAA-mandated random drug test following the Vols’ 121-86 victory over Long Beach State on March 16, 2007.

The results of the drug test were positive; UT officials were informed that if Lofton wasn’t using drugs, the positive result could be a sign of cancer.

More tests followed, and Lofton underwent surgery on March 28 to have the cancer removed. Four weeks of radiation treatment followed, from late April into May.

We’ll admit that our first reaction was shock at Lofton chose to (and succeeded in) keeping this under wraps the whole season - especially with noted media whore Bruce Pearl as a coach. But apparently, Pearl was the only one, besides trainer Newman, who was in on the secret in Knoxville.

“When people are first diagnosed with cancer, sometimes the first thought is to tell everyone close to you, so you can feel all the support and be surrounded with the love you need to battle cancer,” said Pearl.

“But Chris didn’t want anyone worrying about it or our fans using it as an excuse for him.”

Lofton said he appreciates his school and the media for respecting his privacy.

And we respect you for fighting the good fight, Chris Lofton. Best wishes going forward on staying cancer-free.

We now return to our regularly scheduled dick jokes.

(more…)

In a Chapel Hill apartment house, around 3am…

Psycho T: [on the phone] I don’t know what to do, Dad. Do I go pro? Do I stay here?

[chewing noises]

Gene Hansbrough: Andrew Tyler, are you eating a got-damn puppy again?

Psycho T: …..yes.

Papa H: Put that shit down. It’s not good for you, especially at this hour.

Psycho T: But it’s the only thing I can eat when I’m upset like this!

Papa H: That’s just pathetic. You think that if you go to the NBA, teams are just gonna put a puppy mill next to your house like they did in Chapel Hill?

Psycho T: [thinks for a long second] Yes?

(more…)

Shouldn’t … be … this … winded …

Odd news coming out of Starkville today - Ben Hansbrough, the sophomore guard for the Bulldogs and younger brother of Carolina star Psycho T, announced he will transfer away from Mississippi State at the end of this semester.

What, pray tell, would convince a young man to leave a big conference (O: ESS-EEE-SEE!) program when a) he was a starter who averaged double digits in points, and b) his team not only made the tournament, but won a game this year? Apparently, we’re talking about practice:

In an interview with the Clarion-Ledger Tuesday, Hansbrough said the lack of a dedicated practice facility influenced his decision.

“That has a lot to do with it right there, just that simple stuff right there,” he said. “As simple as that may sound, that’s a huge thing.”

We understand that some other schools have much better practice facilities, Ben … not to mention that an NBA salary can buy a pretty sweet gym for you as a Christmas gift. But we think we know the real reason Ben is leaving - he’s prepared to join his brother in Hollywood to create the best brother act in show biz since the Stallone brothers warmed all of our hearts with their meathead antics.

In a few short years …