Today’s not-so-savory news comes to us courtesy of the case of The Drowsy Chaperone:

A year ago, the Toledo Rockets were thrust into the most unfortunate of spotlights, when former football player Scooter McDougle was implicated in a point-shaving scandal.

But, as everyone knows thanks to the Tarkanian years at UNLV, point-shaving is the preferred method of cheating on the hardwood, not the gridiron. Which made it practically no surprise at all when the U.S. Attorney’s continued investigation of point-shaving at U of T led them to former Rockets guard Sammy Villegas, who was formally charged in Detroit yesterday.

But the prosecutor’s bill of information seems to, well, get its information wrong. The feds claim that Villegas’ intentionally missed two free throws to fix a game against Central Michigan on February 4, 2006. But when Villegas missed those free throws, Toledo had already covered the published spread. So, unless there is something going on here that we don’t understand – and, since we don’t gamble on sports, we admit that the universe of shit we don’t know here is HUGE – we’re not quite sure how that game represents any kind of smoking gun against Villegas.

The bigger indictment against him (hardy har har legal wordz) might be the rapid decline in his play cited by The (Toledo) Blade – Villegas was the MAC Freshman of the Year in 2003, but his play deteriorated so quickly that his coach publicly wondered what happened (registration required for link).

We’ll let the U.S. Attorney do his own investigation, but … and we can’t be the only ones wondering this … doesn’t the federal prosecutor for Detroit, named only last year as the most vulnerable point of illegal entry into the U.S., have bigger fish to fry than a two-bit guard in a Mid-American Conference RICO scheme?

(HT: It’s MAC news, so you knew it had to be Chuck.)

The mood music for this week’s final post, courtesy of Violent Femmes:

Sure, this might be a month old, but if Gary Williams lives by “better late than never”, then so shall we. While most teams are finalizing their recruiting Class of 2009 and getting started on 2010, Williams is still scrambling to find 12 guys to suit up for this season. Seems like he could just walk the streets of Baltimore with a pack of Cluck-U Chicken certificates, but what do we know?

Speaking of additions to the ACC, Raleigh jock-talk host Joe Ovies looked at the five-year results of the ACC’s expansion to 12 teams. Basketball? Meh. Profit? ¡Sí! Thanks to new football revenue, the nine pre-existing members of the conference can’t hear your complaints about the drop in basketball quality, what from all the money they are bathing in.

In a much more sad development, Jamar Smith has been kicked off of the Illinois basketball team after violating his probation. Eamonn reported Smith’s off-court woes with proper due diligence, but we’ll chime in to say that Smith appears to have a problem of some variety – might be booze, might be mental, might just be a case of incredibly immaturity. Whatever it is, we hope he gets help.

Meanwhile, his departure leaves the Illini in rebuilding mode for another year. Somewhere at New York’s offices, a emo-banged gentleman is crying in his drink.

Gin-and-tonic, or pure tears? Also, we actually believe he wears a tux to work now.

Wondering if a zebra is on the take? Our friends at A Sea of Blue point out that, with so many off-court relationships between refs and teams, you might be right – and the NCAA might be a-OK with the relationship. Nico Bellic doesn’t see what the big deal is.

Finally, Matt Smith at Bleacher Report believes he has found the evil among us, and it is a 17-year-old at a prep school in North Carolina. John Wall, previously known to college football fans as Mitch Mustain, is the number 1 point guard in the Class of 2009 – which makes his decision to attend Baylor make oh-so-much sense. Oh, wait, they hired his AAU coach as the “director of player development”? Must have been a coincidence.

Have a great weekend, folks, good to be back.

Working for a Fortune 500 company can be a drag. Sure, once you get to the top level you get money, perks, and fame*. But until that point, work can be a drag. Go to the office, sit down in your cubicle, keep your head down and hope that the paychecks keep coming.

But then comes the day that every corporate worker bee hopes for – the day that the the CEO of the company reaches out to you personally to say that you are doing a great job not just as an employee, but as a parent. So impressed is he, in fact, that he hopes that your child will attend his alma mater – all the way across the country.

Wait, wait – sorry, doesn’t that happen to everyone? You could have fooled Oseye Gaddy, since the customer service rep for FedEx got just such a phone call earlier this week from company CEO David Bronczek.

We share Gaddy’s joy in the well-deserved praise, and we’re certain that Bronczek’s choice to reach out to her personally had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Gaddy’s son, Abdul Gaddy, is a highly sought-after point guard in the recruiting Class of 2009, and that one of his top pursuers is Memphis, which happens to be Bronczek’s favorite local team**.

But just to be sure, those boy scouts in Memphis reported the phone call to the NCAA just the same – seems that boosters calling recruits is kinda-sorta-maybe a NCAA rules violation. Bronczek claims he was unaware of the restriction, which just shows that he didn’t watch very much college football in the early 1980s.

Meanwhile, Oseye will keep living the work-a-day life with her head held high. When you know that if you live right, work hard, and happen to parent an athletically gifted young man who becomes the (only slightly creepy) fancy of older, richer men, everything will work out just fine.

For Bronczek and his Memphis colleagues, though, they might want to figure out other ways to push Gaddy towards the Tigers – seems that a certain contingent on the interwebs already has him headed for Tuscon. Because we know how well young point guards mix with Lute Olsen.

* – By fame, of course, we mean “the ability to walk around with your d*** out in the office and the country club locker room, even if no one on the street knows who you are”.

** – Did we say “favorite local team”? We meant “chosen recipient of over $500,000 in athletic donations from Bronczek, and likely much more”.

We always know the strength of an oncoming storm by the reaction of our dog. Minor shower? She doesn’t move. Thunderstorm? She’ll hide under the bed. Hurricane-force shitstorm? She bolts to the back of her crate and whimpers, wishing she could just get the hell out of the way.

In a move unsurprising for Hoosier fans, IU athletic director Rick Greenspan was content to play the role of the dog to the Sampson scandal’s shitstorm, as he took the “get the hell out” option by resigning on Thursday.

And not a moment too soon – in news buried under Greenspan’s resignation, the NCAA added a fifth major allegation to the case against IU. The latest charge is a doozy, claiming that IU failed to monitor the basketball program adequately. It’s not a “death penalty” inducing charge like “lack of institutional control”, but if the NCAA finds adequate proof of the allegation, it could result in a postseason ban for the Hoosiers.

Hoosier fans, based on our experience with hurricanes, all we can say is – the dog’s reaction is right. Allegiance may prevent you from running away, but all you can do is duck and cover until the storm passes. And perhaps try to rock out to German hair rock while doing it.

Hey, Gary? Can I have a word?

Hey, Gary? Yeah, it’s Tom Crean. Good to talk to you too. Oh, yeah, Joani is great. Looking forward to getting out your way this fall to see her brother with the Ravens. We should get together for dinner or something. Sure, Phillips would be great. Joani loves crabs!

Look, Gary, that’s actually not why I’m calling. I wanted to touch base after I heard about all the stuff you’ve been going through – the bad recruiting moves, the players transferring away, the struggles to make the tournament. Gosh, Gar, the local media really seems to be making a “woe is me” story out of this for you. And I just have to say – God, quit your f***ing whining.

Now, Gary, I hardly think that kind of language is called for. Hear me out.

You know how many players I have left from last year’s team at this point? TWO. And only one of them is on scholarship. I’m having to recruit members of the water polo team to fill out my roster. Water polo, Gary. Don’t bitch to me about needed to get guys from jucos.

And boo hoo, your athletic director doesn’t like the players you recruit. I JUST GOT HERE and the program is probably about to get slammed with sanctions because of the dickhead before me. I had to cancel a damn father-son camp so I could drag my ass out to Seattle for the compliance hearing. Gary, I don’t need to tell you that those camps are the best part of my job. The hours are light, the participants are all happy and grateful … it almost makes the rest of the job tolerable. And I had to cancel it. Did you have to cancel any of your camps, Gary? Huh?

You know what? Maybe you should go get crabs by yourself. And by that, I mean, go sleep with a hooker and get VD.

Stop the madness.

O.J. Mayo seems content to go about his NBA draft business these days – you can find pre-draft profiles of him hyah and hyah – but the saga of the alleged payments he received whilst still at Da U (West Coast Office) continues whether we like it or not.

The latest – the California state attorney general’s office has opened an inquiry into whether middleman extraordinaire Rodney Guillory was illegally using a credit card belonging to a sickle cell anemia charity when he was buying Mayo all his pre-pro schwag.

For all three of you who actually want to see Mayo go down for this – and you know who you are – calm yourselves. Despite getting involved in this mess, the AG’s office seems just as interested in prosecuting this case as Mayo was interested in staying in school:

Regarding Mayo’s possible culpability, ]special agent Danny] Kim earlier told ESPN.com, “I don’t think we want to go there. I don’t know if there’s any penal code charges we can charge him [with] for [accepting goods from Guillory with that card].”

He told The Times, “It’s not a big-priority case among all the things we do, I’m not even a big fan of college basketball, but I understand it’s important and we’ll get it checked out.”

Given the current state of the California state government, Agent Kim, we’ll expect your report back sometime after Mayo retires from the Association.

Kelvin Sampson: OK … can’t live off this settlement payment forever, what with the lawyer bills and all … gotta get on the call list for the day!

[dials]

Will somebody get that damn phone??? Aww, come on, blue! A little help!

Mike D’Antoni: Hello?

KS: Hey Mike – how you doing? You hanging in there? I know it was hard getting fired by the Suns.

MD’A: Um, hey Kelvin. And I wasn’t fired, I …

KS: Good, good. Listen – I hear you are in New York now. You know, I know New York pretty well – ate at Casella’s on E. 98th Street a couple of times on recruiting trips. I could be a great head coach in that city.

MD’A: Kelvin, I’m the head coach here. They don’t need another one.

KS: No, it’s OK. We could work together – I’m a great coach, really, Mike. You can do all the compliance stuff, and I can do all the recruiting …

MD’A: Kelvin, it’s the NBA. We don’t need recruiters, and I don’t need another head coach.

KS: What about watches? You need any watches?

MD’A: I’m hanging up now, Kelvin.

[click]

KS: That’s OK, Kell. Jobs don’t fall out of trees. Gotta keep trying … let’s send some texts!

[types like a 14-year-old girl after a Red Bull]
To: Mike Brown
From: Coach K

2 bad u lost to BOS. U shud watch ur bak. BronBron <3s me.

To: Paxson Brothers
From: Coach K

<3 u guys. Plz call soon. Wood <3 2 coach 4 u.

To: Clay Bennett
From: Coach K

Hear u r movin Sonics to OK. I no OK rly gd. Call me!

[Message comes up - MESSAGES REFUSED]

KS: Aww … why does nobody want to talk to me??? How low do I have to sink?

[phone rings]

IU President John Hammond: Hey, Kelvin – we heard you were desperate!

KS: [confused] Who is this?

JH: John Hammond, Milwaukee Bucks – we’d LOVE to have you come help out our club.

KS: Milwaukee? They still have a team?

JH: Yup! Got uniforms and everything! Plus, coaching here you get all the cheap domestic beer and bratwursts you can down! So, you interested?

KS: Ah, I’d have to think about it, John … I’ve got a lot of possibilities – the CBA, Europe, NAIA. Heck, if that Snyder guy can get a job in the D-League, Kelly can do anything!

JH: Well, sure, that’s fair. But can those other guys offer you all the recruiting calls you want with no risk?

KS: [thinks for a minute] You aren’t trying to fool ol’ Kelly, are you?

JH: NO! No one in the NBA would EVER be dishonest!

KS: Then you have yourself a deal!

CHOOSE!

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
Ohio – More or Less Frightening Than Mexico?

The question above poses an odd query to anyone with neither affinity or hate for either locale – your corn comes from the former, your patently racist joke tortillas come from the latter. But if you drink heartily of the haterade this country prides itself on, then you likely have a fairly negative view of one or both of these locations, making a choice between them difficult.

More evidence to confuse the decision: in Ohio, college basketball players are shooting at police officers:

Akron basketball player Rydell Brooks was arrested early Sunday after shooting at police officers during a foot chase following a traffic stop.

Akron police said the 20-year-old Brooks ran from a car and fired several times as police officers chased him. He was being held in Summit County Jail and faces attempted murder and felonious assault charges.

We guess that he won’t be suiting up for the Zips anytime soon.

But in Mexico, you can get the shit beaten out of you by two American hoops players, and nobody will be charged because “all you people look alike”:

The person who was injured, a Michigan resident who was down there on an internship, still maintain it was [Portland State player Scott] Morrison who broke his jaw. He and his family are still seeking to have charges brought (if they can find anyone who can corroborate his story) and are looking into a civil action.

Protecting and serving Akron while fielding bullets from a bench guard, or taking slugs in a foreign land, first from a countryman and then from a shady judicial system? CHOOSE!

TWO OTHER STORIES THAT WE ENJOYED FOR NO GOOD REASON

All-Night Buffets in Boca Raton, Be Warned

The reports range in commitment level from “we love him, but we’re not in love with him” to a journalistic post-coital cigarette, but
Mike Jarvis appears to be the next head coach at Florida Atlantic.

Jarvis’ kissy talk about how much he loves the school and the area may well be a necessary part of the contract, considering how well FAU’s last big name lay worked out.

Our Nerd Hearts Swell with Blood

We’ve roundly enjoyed Dana O’Neil’s work since joining tWWL’s hoops crew from the Philadelphia Daily News, since she forgot to burn her journalism degree when setting up shop in Bristol. Her latest filing about the Cal Tech basketball team is particularly superb, and not just because it mentions the Kuiper Belt. (Though we’ll admit a certain fondness for astrophysics. What?)

No, we love this article for its self-deprecating tone (O’Neil admits she has no idea what these guys are saying when speaking about their research internships) and for it’s subtle shot at the deaf (“Caltech won just one game this year and it was against Gallaudet, the nation’s leading university for the hearing impaired.”) And because it gives us the excuse to post the following, evidence that even at Caltech you’ll find many an ill-spent youth, albeit in the other direction:

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
Shark Week Continues

Privately, we hoped that in our day off (done with school woot!), the O.J. Mayo mess would calm down, and some other story would take over the headlines. We weren’t alone – in a small act of sanity, Ben Taylor at the Daily Bruin says, “Um, don’t all of you have anything better to cover, like college athletes dying in practice?”

NO! Silly us. Each minute factual revelation merely served to throw more chum in the water, which inevitably leads to nastiness.

On Tuesday, the attacks centered on Mayo and the USC leadership. As the story ages however, like a fine wine, more subtle variables gain strength to create layers of flavor for the well-heeled to snoot about.

Signal to Noise points out that USC may pay a price in recruiting long before sanctions come down. His local paper says Mayo has daddy issues (like any good southern boy). Wilbon says Mayo is a sweet kid caught up in the dirty system of agents. DeCourcy over at the SN goes a step further and says the entire sport of basketball is broken. (Though DeCourcy’s piece is less “subtle flavor brought out by age” and more “what happens when you toss the bottle against the wall in disgust, because the world is death.” Let it all out, Mike. Why, oh why did Celeste leave you and take both le chat and all the zigerettes?)

But at least O.J. and his former compadres won’t lose a high school title over this mess.

We’ve been asked our opinion, but we don’t view this as a forum for our “take” – we offer commentary only to be funny or make a valid point, and we’re so sick of this topic we’re not sure we can do either. We’ll try better tomorrow.

We now move onto to non-O.J. topics – but first, twins.

FOUR STORIES WORTH ONE LINE APIECE

Terrapin Player Struggles to Make the Grade – We’re normally above mocking the academic struggles of athletes, but since it’s Maryland, home of the waiting-to-happen academic suspension, we let out a hearty Muntz-esque “ha-ha.”

It’s Possible, Since We Haven’t Heard of Any of Them – Bleacher Report lists their five players poised for a breakout season.

Insofar as it means anything, good on them – Coaching contract extensions have become meaningless pats on the back since either party can break them seemingly at will, but Clemson wins points anyway for extending Oliver Purnell.

Need to stop reading … going to start liking him … – Dickie V is throwing his usual V Foundation fundraiser in Florida, which regularly raises more than $1 million – but this year, he’s dedicating the ceremony to the memory of a little girl who died of cancer.

We swear, we aren’t usually this emotional, it’s just lack of sleep … need something manly to make up for this …

Perhaps an ill-advised cover shoot.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
Inconceivable!

Pop quiz to start your weeks, ladies and gentlemen – and we don’t want to hear any complaining, because if you’ve been reading the assigned material, this one will be easy: Which of the following post-season events, all related to one Ovinton J’Anthony Mayo, was the most predictable? Was it …

A) His decision to go pro after one year at USC?
B) An investigation by tWWL revealing Mayo received thousands of dollars worth of benefits from a sports agency’s middleman?
C) The post-investigation denial of wrongdoing by Mayo?
D) The hand-wringing column from Pat Forde decrying the lack of ethics by Mr. Mayo and USC?

If you answered (D), congratulations. Clearly, the most predictable of all these events was the column, for the Louisville Loudmouth is like a well-oiled machine, students – steely and efficient to be sure, but deadly and fear-inducing. Our guess is that Forde wrote yesterday’s column three years ago, while Mayo was still a Appalachian lad, and simply edited to include the relevant facts in record. Had nothing newsworthy happened, he would have found a reason to post the column anyway.

If you answered anything but (D), for shame. With all the evidence we have about the NCAA’s successful oversight of ethical conduct (99% of athletes haven’t been caught yet!), that O.J. might receive illicit benefits was … well, we’ll let Vizzini explain:

TWO STORIES THAT INTERESTED US FOR NO GOOD REASON
No Wonder He’s Recruiting Middle Schoolers

Last week, we noted that while transfer #1 may be ignored as a fluke for any program, transfer #2 can be properly viewed as a sign of trouble brewing. (We noted this in reference to our own alma mater, so maybe red flags jumped up too early, but still.) We control-c, control-p this advice again today as Kentucky announced two player transfers over the weekend.

Marginal players seeking greener pastures and more playing time? Perhaps. But given Billy Gillespie’s youth-oriented recruiting strategy – with commitments for every class through the next presidential administration now on the books – perhaps these gentlemen wanted to get out of Lexington before being replaced by zygotes.

It’s Only Hubris If You Can’t Back It Up

After a week unintentionally filled with Carolina-fueled stories, apparently our subconscious mind felt it necessary to offer equal time to the Blue Devils, which inevitably leads to much silliness. Case in point – a beautifully homer-tastic look by DBR at the so-called Duke Curse, in the wake of Huggy Bear’s slip-and-fall at the Greensboro airport last week.

We applaud the research efforts of DBR and their affiliates. However, tracking a would-be curse on each team that eliminates your squad in the tournament sounds like a more academic approach to the old standby chant for fans of the losing team:

Re-defining “big” in Durham.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
Hey, Wojo? Maybe You Should Sit This One Out.

Coach K’s recent recruiting failures with big men – see Patrick Patterson and Greg Monroe – have sparked a chicken-and-egg argument. Are the trees not interested because no Duke big man has succeeded at the next level, from Jay Bilas to Christian Laettner to Sheldon Williams with every Cherokee Parks in between? Or is it because the coaching triumvirate of Dawkins, Collins and Wojociechowski (most recently in charge of post players) had no idea how to coach bigs?

Consider the egg scrambled – in the wake of Dawkins’ departure for Palo Alto, Coach K hired former Blue Devil forward Nate James to fill his spot on the bench. What remains to be seen is if this will have any discernible impact, as James comes in with no coaching experience. In fact, this resume looked better suited for reality television:

After graduating from Duke and playing in the Carolinas Basketball League, James spent parts of five seasons playing in Bosnia, Brazil, France, Germany, Greece, Holland, Hungary, Italy, Japan, the Philippines, Poland and Russia.

While some might consider the career a world history tour, James didn’t exactly praise the vagabond experience. Instead, he talked about eating nothing but rice and noodles — with chopsticks only — in Japan for several months; playing in a freezing gym in Bosnia; and having to eat cow tongue in Russia.

So, future Blue Devil recruits, know what Duke can now offer. Even if your playing experience can’t get you in the NBA and your Duke degree can’t get you a job, Coach James can help you parlay your experiences in Durham into a spot on The Amazing Race.

TWO STORIES THAT INTERESTED US FOR NO GOOD REASON
Something is Afoot in the District

Player movements galore in our nation’s capital yesterday, as Karl Hobbs kicked two players off GW’s team. Role players, true, but two players nonetheless from a team that only managed nine wins last season. Which makes one wonder what “certain expectations” they failed to meet to warrant dismissal, since one could argue that Hobbs and all of his charges failed to meet the basic “certain expectation” of finishing higher than next-to-last in the A-10.

Meanwhile, further into the snooty part of the Northwest Quadrant, a second potential starter transfers away from the Hoyas. With the announced transfer of Doc Rivers’ kid, Georgetown will be down to four returning players with any significant playing time. Greg Monroe better be really, really good, or JTIII will need to bust out celebrity dance moves again.

Theme music for this morning’s quick post, as we prepare for another ill-advised road trip:

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
More Schools That Couldn’t Fake Academic Achievement
Buzz around the interwebs continues to center on the APR ratings released yesterday. Rush the Court broke down the numbers in much greater detail than us, with some interesting findings:

1) Davidson had the best overall APR (a perfect 1000) amongst hoops programs, while Carolina had the highest amongst BCS programs. There is a safety school joke in here somewhere, but damned if we can find it.

2) The total list of teams suffering scholarship losses: Kansas State, Purdue, Seton Hall, South Carolina, Tennessee, and New Mexico State take a hit of one scholly apiece, while Southern Cal and UAB will lose two apiece for their historic incompetence.

3) The ACC and the Big East had the highest conference APR averages. If that isn’t evidence of the worthiness of the APR as a measure of academic success, we’re not sure what is. (That, or Big Ten programs are even worse at finding decent educations for their players than we already suspect.)

TWO MORE STORIES THAT INTERESTED US FOR NO GOOD REASON
Speaking of USC …

A little pushy.

Which is the real USC? The school with the awful APR, constant recycling of would-be early entrants, and Tim Floyd as a coach? Or the other one with an awful APR, constant sub-par finishes in-conference, and has spent the last seven years in Odom-induced doldrums? Gosh, if only there was a way to choose – like a leading scorer getting arrested for assault:

The arrest stemmed from an incident last week between Downey and another student he knew [Curtis Lowery], school spokesman Russ McKinney said.

Police were called to the scene, but neither Downey nor [Lowery] wanted to press charges, McKinney said, and there was no incident report written up.

“Then the other individual involved later decided to press charges,” McKinney said, adding there may have been a “very limited confrontation along the lines of pushing.”

In related stories that went unreported, another USC student was arrested for simple theft for cutting in front of Mr. Lowery in the cafeteria line, and a third was booked for simple fraud for telling Mr. Lowery she was disease-free before bare-backed copulation. Lowery had no comment on these arrests, but vigorously denied that he was a “snitch”, insisting that a rhyming word was far more appropriate. (HT: Ren.)

Employment Contracts for Dummies

WfVU is apparently getting better at this whole coach contract thing – Huggy Bear’s new contract extension includes a provision that he can be fired for cause for “substance abuse or habitual intoxication that affects his job”. Huggy Bear will just need to get his kicks in via other means:

Many are only subject to a “public notice” penalty, which from all we can tell is somewhere between a few days in the stockades and the online equivalent of a wagging finger. Stephen Colbert approves.

But for a dozen or so schools, including a handful of teams from this year’s NCAA tournament, headlined by Tennessee, their low APR score means they will lose scholarships. The Vols will lose one free ride, which is convenient since they just booted two scholarship players from the team. No word on the other offenders. (We meant the other schools, but you didn’t know for a second there, did ya? Go Vols!)

Proudly, none of the institutions we have attended landed on the big list of fail – but for those that did, we offer the following as a public service announcement: