Somewhere in California, and also kind of in a fever dream I had the other night.

GHOST OF GEORGE MARSHALL: Ashley Juuuuuudd!  I have a spoooky message to deliver from beyond the graaaaave!

ASHLEY JUDD: I don’t usually take messages from ghosts, but I’ll make an exception for a Nobel Prize winner!

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We always know the strength of an oncoming storm by the reaction of our dog. Minor shower? She doesn’t move. Thunderstorm? She’ll hide under the bed. Hurricane-force shitstorm? She bolts to the back of her crate and whimpers, wishing she could just get the hell out of the way.

In a move unsurprising for Hoosier fans, IU athletic director Rick Greenspan was content to play the role of the dog to the Sampson scandal’s shitstorm, as he took the “get the hell out” option by resigning on Thursday.

And not a moment too soon – in news buried under Greenspan’s resignation, the NCAA added a fifth major allegation to the case against IU. The latest charge is a doozy, claiming that IU failed to monitor the basketball program adequately. It’s not a “death penalty” inducing charge like “lack of institutional control”, but if the NCAA finds adequate proof of the allegation, it could result in a postseason ban for the Hoosiers.

Hoosier fans, based on our experience with hurricanes, all we can say is – the dog’s reaction is right. Allegiance may prevent you from running away, but all you can do is duck and cover until the storm passes. And perhaps try to rock out to German hair rock while doing it.

Hey, Gary? Can I have a word?

Hey, Gary? Yeah, it’s Tom Crean. Good to talk to you too. Oh, yeah, Joani is great. Looking forward to getting out your way this fall to see her brother with the Ravens. We should get together for dinner or something. Sure, Phillips would be great. Joani loves crabs!

Look, Gary, that’s actually not why I’m calling. I wanted to touch base after I heard about all the stuff you’ve been going through – the bad recruiting moves, the players transferring away, the struggles to make the tournament. Gosh, Gar, the local media really seems to be making a “woe is me” story out of this for you. And I just have to say – God, quit your f***ing whining.

Now, Gary, I hardly think that kind of language is called for. Hear me out.

You know how many players I have left from last year’s team at this point? TWO. And only one of them is on scholarship. I’m having to recruit members of the water polo team to fill out my roster. Water polo, Gary. Don’t bitch to me about needed to get guys from jucos.

And boo hoo, your athletic director doesn’t like the players you recruit. I JUST GOT HERE and the program is probably about to get slammed with sanctions because of the dickhead before me. I had to cancel a damn father-son camp so I could drag my ass out to Seattle for the compliance hearing. Gary, I don’t need to tell you that those camps are the best part of my job. The hours are light, the participants are all happy and grateful … it almost makes the rest of the job tolerable. And I had to cancel it. Did you have to cancel any of your camps, Gary? Huh?

You know what? Maybe you should go get crabs by yourself. And by that, I mean, go sleep with a hooker and get VD.

35S: Uplifting and Informative.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
And Sometimes You Get Lucky

After yesterday’s legal-heavy day, we thought we would take the roundup into the weekend with the happier stories from this week. Odd though it may be, the happiest story broke last night, as incoming Louisville center Clarence Holloway found out he would never suit up for the Cardinals.

UK fans likely would this was good news on its face – hardy har har Rick Pitino sux har har – but in this case, Holloway’s basketball career was brought to an end by a series of medical problems, including a leak in his aortic valve and a rare muscle condition known as Marfan Syndrome:

“God works in mysterious ways,” said U of L Coach Rick Pitino. “Clarence developed a stress fracture his senior year [of high school], which kept him sidelined and probably saved his life. Detecting his heart condition and the subsequent surgery when he arrived at U of L was also a life-saving measure. Now, after this special testing, we know that the condition he has will make him unable to play basketball for the rest of his life. He will now begin a new journey, which will hopefully lead him to gaining a very strong education here at U of L and to prosper in a different walk of life. We’re behind him 100 percent.”

(HT: Fanhouse.) Obviously rough news for young Clarence, but obviously good news that they caught both conditions early so treatment and monitoring can begin before something terrible happens. Good on you, Mr. Holloway, and best wishes as you begin a non-basketball life.

And now, some requisite rock to get pumped for the remainder of the roundup.

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Perhaps an ill-advised cover shoot.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
Inconceivable!

Pop quiz to start your weeks, ladies and gentlemen – and we don’t want to hear any complaining, because if you’ve been reading the assigned material, this one will be easy: Which of the following post-season events, all related to one Ovinton J’Anthony Mayo, was the most predictable? Was it …

A) His decision to go pro after one year at USC?
B) An investigation by tWWL revealing Mayo received thousands of dollars worth of benefits from a sports agency’s middleman?
C) The post-investigation denial of wrongdoing by Mayo?
D) The hand-wringing column from Pat Forde decrying the lack of ethics by Mr. Mayo and USC?

If you answered (D), congratulations. Clearly, the most predictable of all these events was the column, for the Louisville Loudmouth is like a well-oiled machine, students – steely and efficient to be sure, but deadly and fear-inducing. Our guess is that Forde wrote yesterday’s column three years ago, while Mayo was still a Appalachian lad, and simply edited to include the relevant facts in record. Had nothing newsworthy happened, he would have found a reason to post the column anyway.

If you answered anything but (D), for shame. With all the evidence we have about the NCAA’s successful oversight of ethical conduct (99% of athletes haven’t been caught yet!), that O.J. might receive illicit benefits was … well, we’ll let Vizzini explain:

TWO STORIES THAT INTERESTED US FOR NO GOOD REASON
No Wonder He’s Recruiting Middle Schoolers

Last week, we noted that while transfer #1 may be ignored as a fluke for any program, transfer #2 can be properly viewed as a sign of trouble brewing. (We noted this in reference to our own alma mater, so maybe red flags jumped up too early, but still.) We control-c, control-p this advice again today as Kentucky announced two player transfers over the weekend.

Marginal players seeking greener pastures and more playing time? Perhaps. But given Billy Gillespie’s youth-oriented recruiting strategy – with commitments for every class through the next presidential administration now on the books – perhaps these gentlemen wanted to get out of Lexington before being replaced by zygotes.

It’s Only Hubris If You Can’t Back It Up

After a week unintentionally filled with Carolina-fueled stories, apparently our subconscious mind felt it necessary to offer equal time to the Blue Devils, which inevitably leads to much silliness. Case in point – a beautifully homer-tastic look by DBR at the so-called Duke Curse, in the wake of Huggy Bear’s slip-and-fall at the Greensboro airport last week.

We applaud the research efforts of DBR and their affiliates. However, tracking a would-be curse on each team that eliminates your squad in the tournament sounds like a more academic approach to the old standby chant for fans of the losing team:

The off-season sometimes provides you with slim pickins – and when that happens, ain’t nothing you can do by ride that bomb all the way to the ground. Plus, real life has made strong demands on us today, so a-blogrollin’ we will go.

Today’s theme music – the exact opposite of how we feel these days as nuptials draw near:

Jarrett Carter may be our new favorite blogger, with two worthy posts at two worthy blogs – first, five reasons to keep the best D1 HBCU conference tournament in the Cackolack. We agree with him on all points, though we are saddened that the ACC Tournament won’t be in Greensboro, its rightful location. Atlanta is for bad traffic, gun crime, Tech fans, and SEC affairs – the ACC has no business dragging itself to such depths.

In worthy post #2, Carter asks if Gary Williams wants out of Maryland. Based on the offseason he’s had, as thoughtfully collected by the boys at DBR, who could blame him for wanting to get out with his reputation intact?

This is a bit old, but so is recruiting obsession – Mike DeCourcy breaks down the five spring signings that actually matter over at the SN. That one of said five impact players signed with Fresno Freakin’ State says all that is necessary about the current importance of the spring signing period.

In further evidence that as statistics increase, the result equals one, Yet Another Basketball Blog attempts to quantify coaching success based on recruiting and tournament play. Coach K underperforms! Tom Izzo does better than expected! Northwestern sucks! Oliver Purnell can’t beat competition with five breathing players! Surprises all around! (We kid. It’s a good piece that gives evidence to the conventional wisdom. But don’t expect a revelation.) (HT: RTC.)

Finally, while totally unrelated to college basketball, we love when two worlds collide – Above the Law, the preeminent blog in legal snark, links to Clay Travis, he of the CBS Spin on Sports column, as he gives law school selection advice. We link to this without comment, other than to say that given that Messr. Travis has abandoned the law to become a full-time sports writer, UVA Law should retroactively grant him admission.

Re-defining “big” in Durham.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
Hey, Wojo? Maybe You Should Sit This One Out.

Coach K’s recent recruiting failures with big men – see Patrick Patterson and Greg Monroe – have sparked a chicken-and-egg argument. Are the trees not interested because no Duke big man has succeeded at the next level, from Jay Bilas to Christian Laettner to Sheldon Williams with every Cherokee Parks in between? Or is it because the coaching triumvirate of Dawkins, Collins and Wojociechowski (most recently in charge of post players) had no idea how to coach bigs?

Consider the egg scrambled – in the wake of Dawkins’ departure for Palo Alto, Coach K hired former Blue Devil forward Nate James to fill his spot on the bench. What remains to be seen is if this will have any discernible impact, as James comes in with no coaching experience. In fact, this resume looked better suited for reality television:

After graduating from Duke and playing in the Carolinas Basketball League, James spent parts of five seasons playing in Bosnia, Brazil, France, Germany, Greece, Holland, Hungary, Italy, Japan, the Philippines, Poland and Russia.

While some might consider the career a world history tour, James didn’t exactly praise the vagabond experience. Instead, he talked about eating nothing but rice and noodles — with chopsticks only — in Japan for several months; playing in a freezing gym in Bosnia; and having to eat cow tongue in Russia.

So, future Blue Devil recruits, know what Duke can now offer. Even if your playing experience can’t get you in the NBA and your Duke degree can’t get you a job, Coach James can help you parlay your experiences in Durham into a spot on The Amazing Race.

TWO STORIES THAT INTERESTED US FOR NO GOOD REASON
Something is Afoot in the District

Player movements galore in our nation’s capital yesterday, as Karl Hobbs kicked two players off GW’s team. Role players, true, but two players nonetheless from a team that only managed nine wins last season. Which makes one wonder what “certain expectations” they failed to meet to warrant dismissal, since one could argue that Hobbs and all of his charges failed to meet the basic “certain expectation” of finishing higher than next-to-last in the A-10.

Meanwhile, further into the snooty part of the Northwest Quadrant, a second potential starter transfers away from the Hoyas. With the announced transfer of Doc Rivers’ kid, Georgetown will be down to four returning players with any significant playing time. Greg Monroe better be really, really good, or JTIII will need to bust out celebrity dance moves again.

Fitting news for the day that we licked the stamp on the final exam of our academic career: the NCAA ratted out the college basketball programs with the same approach to academics as us. Forty-six Division I basketball programs failed to achieve a passing APR score 925 (because that’s a passing score that makes sense, no matter what the scale).

Many are only subject to a “public notice” penalty, which from all we can tell is somewhere between a few days in the stockades and the online equivalent of a wagging finger. Stephen Colbert approves.

But for a dozen or so schools, including a handful of teams from this year’s NCAA tournament, headlined by Tennessee, their low APR score means they will lose scholarships. The Vols will lose one free ride, which is convenient since they just booted two scholarship players from the team. No word on the other offenders. (We meant the other schools, but you didn’t know for a second there, did ya? Go Vols!)

Proudly, none of the institutions we have attended landed on the big list of fail – but for those that did, we offer the following as a public service announcement: