Want to cut your teeth in the exciting field of college basketball? Yearn for less nightlife and more wildlife? The University of Alaska-Fairbanks* has an opportunity for you!

That’s right – for the low low price of civilization, you can start your career as an assistant basketball coach for our own UAF Nanooks! (It’s not racist, because we’re honoring the Inupiaq people, and besides, look at the cute bear!)

Now, we can hear you thinking – why does this job opening exist? Why would someone leave such a unique location? Well, you’ll be excited to know that our most recent assistant, after only ONE YEAR with our program, was able to parlay that experience into an opportunity to coach high schoolers sell insurance get the hell back to the Lower 48 move up the coaching ladder! Next year, that could be you!

But what awaits you in Alaska – besides fast-paced, high quality Division II basketball? Just look at the vibrant student life on our campus of nearly 10,000 students!

Porch sitting! (Note: hazardous anytime but August.)

Silly string fights!

Toothless shrooming!

And don’t forget our favorable female:male ratio!

Yes, all this an more awaits you at UAF – where careers can begin (and sometimes end in tragic ways)! Come for the basketball, stay for the seasonal effective disorder!

* – We should note that we’ve been to Fairbanks, and to UAF specifically, and they are both lovely if very, very cold. So, prospective coaches, fear not – but pack a parka or twenty.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
Parrish: “I Don’t Really Love Sports Anymore”

If you’re anything like us, there was one great mystery left unsolved in CBS’ decision to let Billy Packer go out to pasture – how on earth were they going to hold onto the dour curmudgeon demographic? Sure, the 18-24 kids are the advertiser’s wet dream, but a network like CBS can’t ignore its base of tapioca slurpers, can it? Without Packer, where were these viewers going to get the “darn kids these days” coverage they crave?

We should have known the network brass were smarter than us. Just like their ad revenue, CBS is simply moving their crass, disinterested reporting online, in the form of Gary Parrish. From an Q&A with 35S favorite A Sea of Blue:

I mean, sitting courtside at this years [sic] national title game [as a life-long Memphis fan] should’ve been one of the highlights of my life. But it wasn’t. I was indifferent to the whole thing, and I don’t say that in an attempt to prove I’m impartial. It kinda makes me sad, actually, because the main reason I wanted to be a sports writer was because I loved sports, and I don’t really love sports anymore.

Bravo, CBS. Bra-f’in-vo. Somewhere in LA, Bill Simmons is mouthing “I told you so”. Gary, put on some Eddie Vedder and let the indifference set in.

Three more headlines, including some Grade A fan gouging, after the jump:

THREE STORIES WORTH A FEW LINES APIECE

Now Available at Concessions: Snake Oil! – Last month, Drake’s athletic department announced price increases for basketball season tickets along with new PSL requirements for high-priced seats. Which makes perfect sense, given their surprising run to the Valley title, a first round loss, the departure of a beloved legacy coach for Providence, and the graduation of 60% of your point production. When the stock’s on the rise, the fans will wanna can be forced to invest!

Trent Johnson Better Really Like The Food in Baton Rouge – Look at the bright side, Trent – you’ll have time to finish setting up your new home. Taking a page from Duke’s oh-so-successful profitable book, the Bayou Bengals will be playing only two non-conference road dates, if you count a neutral site game against Texas A&M in Houston as a road game. (And we do!) When asked whether his new team needed to geaux on the road a bit more often to prepare for the tournament, Johnson showed his readiness for the LSU job by responding, “ESS-EEE-SEE SPEEEEEEEEEEEED!!”

Even We Aren’t Tasteless Enough to Make Refugee Jokes – John Riek, a coveted Sudanese center, committed to Cincinnati over the weekend, but won’t be available until the new year while he nurses a detached ACL. We’d wonder if Riek is disappointed to play college hoops after he originally declared for the draft, but at Cincinnati, we’re not entirely sure there is a difference.

Meanwhile, Teeng Akoi, a 6′11″ forward also from Sudan, is shopping middle America after failing to qualify academically at South Florida. Nick Saban may laugh at that concept, but for a foreign student, Akoi seemed to show sufficient knowledge of Nebraska’s geography:

“I think I can help them,” Akol told the Journal Star on Sunday. “I’m not familiar with everything, but I know they’re in the Big 12.”

Son, that’s more than enough to get you into a Husker jersey. Everything else you need to know, you can learn from Wakko.

Whoa. Whoa. WHOA. We wouldn’t say that we are disappointed at learning that CBS dismissed Billy Packer, but we are surprised – only because we expected Packer to let go of his microphone CBS-logo’d spew stick when it was pried from his cold, dead hands.

Sure, it’s easy to think that Packer wrote his own pink slip earlier this year when he announced that the KU-UNC national semifinal game was “over”, encouraging viewers to change the channel with seven minutes to go until halftime.

But we know that the heads at CBS made this decision with the heaviest of hearts. After all, how could they get rid of a guy who displayed so much passion for his job?

Or someone who worked so hard to stay on top of the evolving nature of the sport and its coverage?

Or the sense of professionalism and objectivity he brought to every broadcast?

But there is one thing we can all agree on – Packer, uniquely, understood his place in the history of the game:

So, while Packer “pursues other opportunities” in basketball – like finding that damn bowl of tapioca he set down a few minutes ago – we say, goodnight, sweet prince. The Democratic Blogfrican Republic of College Basketball won’t be the same without you.

I’m thrilled, just thrilled, to announce that I’ve signed a contract extension to stay at UCLA through the 2014-15 season. It’s a real honor to be able to stay on here in Westwood, even after three straight Final Fours, given the way things started out here. And yes, before you can ask … they did right by me with the figures. I’ll be financially secure while remaining a Bruin, and that’s very comforting for my family and me.

But, frankly, $2 million a year was just frosting on the cake. Rich, delicious frosting to be sure, but that wasn’t why I signed the extension. I could get money coaching on the street. (And I have!) But what really made this deal special for me, as a native Californian, was that UCLA showed that they truly want me to feel like a part of the community here in Los Angeles.

And offering me my own gang – well, that was just a special, make-you-feel-at-home offer I couldn’t refuse.

And you know, about damn time. Fourteen years of coaching tough man-on-man defense, and no one knew until now that what I really wanted was to supervise tough man-on-man violence? What, I wasn’t tough enough? Come on now. So, seriously, to Dan Guerrero and everyone at the Athletic Department – thanks for making this happen.

I guess the only thing we need to work out is a gang sign. This is new territory for me – I’ve been a leader of young men before, but they were always wearing uniforms, so I didn’t need a special symbol to differentiate my boys from everyone else. Hm. Let’s try a few out.

Oh, this is the money sign. Come on, who wouldn’t love this? ‘W’s with each hand to show who the winner is. [hears murmurs from press corps] What do you mean it’s already taken? Jesus Christ, I gotta start listening to more hip hop.

Not bad, not bad – definitely unique, though it might be tough to see from a distance. Just need to gently holding the thumb, pointing just so between the primary and second knuckles on my right … DAMMIT, KID, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? YEAH, YOU IN THE BLUE. HOLD THE THUMB AND POINT. DON’T JUST … ah, dammit, this isn’t gonna work. I need something that the dumbest 12-year-old in West L.A. can sign so I don’t accidentally shoot them in the face.

DONE. Simple, clear, and this way my boys when to come home to talk to Daddy Ben.

OK, good, good and productive day here, guys. I gotta go recruit.

Three coaching hires / rehires as the Human Resources Department portion of the offseason winds to a close:

First, Sean Woods will take over at Mississippi Valley State, leaving his assistant position at TCU. (LaDainian Tomlinson now owes Jerry Rice a dollar.) With Woods and former UK teammate John Pelphrey (now at Arkansas) heading Division I programs and fellow Wildcat Richie Farmer moving up the ranks in Kentucky state politics, the 1991-1992 Kentucky “Unforgettables” are living up to their name, as RTC notes.

Well, mostly – Deron Feldhaus, the fourth “Unforgettable”, is the pro and co-owner at a nine-hole golf course on the Ohio border. NTTIAWWT, of course, since nine-hole courses keep our scores in double digits and our brains on this side of sanity.

This reads ’bout right.

Second, Ohio University AD Jim Schaus (who, again, was Pete Carroll-level jacked to conduct his first major coaching search) appears to have found his man, as Goodman’s sources have Ohio State assistant John Croce pegged as the Bobcats’ new head coach. Jim, if you thought this was exciting, just wait until you get to replace Frank Solich. Roofie endurance tests for everyone!

Finally, Davidson makes the obvious move by re-signing coach Bob McKillop to a long-term deal. McKillop, like George Mason’s Jim Larranaga before him, would be the subject of every coaching search from sagging BCS schools and would-be near majors for the foreseeable future. Locking McKillop into Davidson for the long-term – which, by all accounts, was McKillop’s sincere wish – offers fans the chance in five years to be just as sick of Davidson as we are of Gonzaga now. Hooray overexposure!

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT

Wait a second … that doesn’t seem right after several days off … let’s try that again:

ALL THE CRAP THAT’S HAPPENED IN THE LAST WEEK

That’s better. Quick roundup of the biggest stories, with a little link love for our brother blogs:

Paul Hewitt Stands Tall, States the Obvious

At last week’s meeting of the Knight Commission (the body studying academic standards for NCAA athletics), Georgia Tech coach Paul Hewitt earned a lot of press by voicing controversial, even shocking, opinions about all that is wrong with the current student-athlete model. Radical stuff, like “Eligibility rather than academic growth has become our biggest concern”, and “Agents are turning college campuses into the Wild West.” Whoa, whoa, Paul … drop one bomb at a time, baby, we weren’t prepared. Hang on, we’ll sit down. OK, go on:

“While I like to see everyone who reaches college earn a degree,” Hewitt said, “we need to find more effective ways to achieve our goals. I do have a problem with putting numbers out there, saying ‘Meet these numbers or else. You’re turning education into a race.”

Phew … radical, radical man. You’re lucky you didn’t lose your job for saying crazy stuff like that.

Of course Hewitt is right, and we all know he’s right – it’s just that no one in the powers that be care, since they can’t hear him over the sound of cash registers. And Hewitt had some thoughts about that as well:

[Hewitt] said he’d like to see basketball become a one-semester sport and that coaches overall would like to see a shorter schedule, but he admitted it’s “not going to happen” because of the lucrative television money that comes from playing more games, even in early November.

Whoa, Paul – we were with you right up until you suggested cutting games. We have a habit to feed, you know. Crazy talk like that will get us back on the harder junk.

Three more headlines, including more delicious statement of the obvious, after the jump: THREE STORIES WORTH A FEW LINES APIECE Spin – It’s Not Just for Politics! – Ohio’s athletic director is just jacked – we mean, Pete Carroll level jacked – to find a new coach. You know, after their previous coach left for Bryant University, a school in Rhode Island that hasn’t joined Division I yet, and which we had to look up to ensure it existed. Understatement Doesn’t Suit Us – Mike Miller has been doing an interesting weekly series over at MSNBC ranking the greatest college hoops programs. We’ve roundly enjoyed them, right up until he reviewed our alma mater at #16. We don’t challenge the ranking … we challenge his assertion that the program suffered only a “slight dip” under Craig Escherick. You mean, our version of [NAME REDACTED]? Did we watch the same teams? O Rly? – Mike DeCourcy says that Duke’s recruiting has suffered in recent years thanks to Coach K’s summer job with USA basketball. You don’t say.

Rick Pitino: Phew. Recruiting season is over for the fall, so I can finally enjoy the summer a little bit before things get cranking again next month … make a few bucks on the speaker circuit, maybe work in a week back in Italy with the wife. But first, I gotta check in on my ponies down at the race track.

[walks into stable]

Pitino: Hey there, Val. Good horse. You want a carrot? You want a little nuzzle with Daddy Rick? Yeah … just you and me here now …

[stall door swings open]

Derrick Caracter: You better do that question thang!

Pitino: Shit.

Pitino: Derrick, what the hell are you doing here? We aren’t on campus, these are my private stables.

Caracter: Aww, Coach, you know I just like to hang around winners. And that means being near you, Coach.

Pitino: Derrick, we’ve been over this time and time again. I’m happy that you withdrew from the draft, and I’m glad you are trying to regain your eligibility with summer classes. But you and me? You and Louisville? We’re through.

Caracter: Ha … I hear you, Coach, just testing me, trying to see if ol’ DC is really committed this time!

Pitino: Derrick, I don’t think you understand. You no longer have a scholarship at the University of Louisville. We’ve given it away.

Caracter: Aw, Coach, I know you’re just playin’ with me! See, I even started followin’ your favorite sport – big dog racin’!

Pitino: These are horses, Derrick.

Caracter: Right, horses. Anyway, I’ve been watchin’ them and everything, just so I could spend a little time away from you, maybe sew some fences or something.

Pitino: [figures out what he meant by that] Look, Derrick, I appreciate all the effort, but my decision is final. You’ve had too many second chances already, and it’s best for both of us if you move on to somewhere else.

Caracter: [silent]

Pitino: Derrick? Did you hear me?

Caracter: [silent, thinking]

Caracter: Shit! I get it! You don’t want me to sit back and watch, you want me to DO … I know what I gotta do! I’ll get me some of those silk underwear things and ride one of these bitches!

Pitino: Derrick, that’s not … [overwhelmed by his idiocy] … God, I don’t even know where to start, and even if that WAS what I meant, you’re too fat to play basketball, much less to be a jockey.

Caracter: Hell no! I just saw Shaq do it on TV the other day.

Caracter: I even got me a couple cases of that Vitamin Water just in case! I’ve been drinkin’ it, bathin’ in it …

Pitino: I get it, I get it. Look, do what you want with your free time now, and do whatever you need to get eligible, but please understand – you need to go away. Soon. Like, now. Please leave.

Caracter: [now wearing riding silks, laughing maniacally] Aw, Coach, I getcha! I’m riding right out of here!

[mounts one of Pitino's horses bareback and rides away]

Pitino: DAMMIT, DERRICK, THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT …

[horse collapses from weight before getting to the road]

Caracter: COACH! I THINK I BROKE THIS HORSE FOR YOU! COACH?? I LOVE YOU!!!!

Pitino: [exasperated] Dammit.

Inspiration courtesy of the Yuletide Simian hyah.

Hey, Gary? Can I have a word?

Hey, Gary? Yeah, it’s Tom Crean. Good to talk to you too. Oh, yeah, Joani is great. Looking forward to getting out your way this fall to see her brother with the Ravens. We should get together for dinner or something. Sure, Phillips would be great. Joani loves crabs!

Look, Gary, that’s actually not why I’m calling. I wanted to touch base after I heard about all the stuff you’ve been going through – the bad recruiting moves, the players transferring away, the struggles to make the tournament. Gosh, Gar, the local media really seems to be making a “woe is me” story out of this for you. And I just have to say – God, quit your f***ing whining.

Now, Gary, I hardly think that kind of language is called for. Hear me out.

You know how many players I have left from last year’s team at this point? TWO. And only one of them is on scholarship. I’m having to recruit members of the water polo team to fill out my roster. Water polo, Gary. Don’t bitch to me about needed to get guys from jucos.

And boo hoo, your athletic director doesn’t like the players you recruit. I JUST GOT HERE and the program is probably about to get slammed with sanctions because of the dickhead before me. I had to cancel a damn father-son camp so I could drag my ass out to Seattle for the compliance hearing. Gary, I don’t need to tell you that those camps are the best part of my job. The hours are light, the participants are all happy and grateful … it almost makes the rest of the job tolerable. And I had to cancel it. Did you have to cancel any of your camps, Gary? Huh?

You know what? Maybe you should go get crabs by yourself. And by that, I mean, go sleep with a hooker and get VD.

Terrible news coming out of Illinois this morning – Kevin Bryant, a recent graduate of Illinois Wesleyan University and a three-year letterman for the school’s Division III basketball team, died in Colorado on Sunday as the result of a whitewater rafting accident.

Bryant was not a standout on the court – his senior year, he only played in seven games – but those who knew Bryant said he wore his bench-warmer status with a smile, working tirelessly to make his team and teammates better.

Condolences go out to Bryant’s family and friends, and to the IWU athletic community.

35S: Uplifting and Informative.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
And Sometimes You Get Lucky

After yesterday’s legal-heavy day, we thought we would take the roundup into the weekend with the happier stories from this week. Odd though it may be, the happiest story broke last night, as incoming Louisville center Clarence Holloway found out he would never suit up for the Cardinals.

UK fans likely would this was good news on its face – hardy har har Rick Pitino sux har har – but in this case, Holloway’s basketball career was brought to an end by a series of medical problems, including a leak in his aortic valve and a rare muscle condition known as Marfan Syndrome:

“God works in mysterious ways,” said U of L Coach Rick Pitino. “Clarence developed a stress fracture his senior year [of high school], which kept him sidelined and probably saved his life. Detecting his heart condition and the subsequent surgery when he arrived at U of L was also a life-saving measure. Now, after this special testing, we know that the condition he has will make him unable to play basketball for the rest of his life. He will now begin a new journey, which will hopefully lead him to gaining a very strong education here at U of L and to prosper in a different walk of life. We’re behind him 100 percent.”

(HT: Fanhouse.) Obviously rough news for young Clarence, but obviously good news that they caught both conditions early so treatment and monitoring can begin before something terrible happens. Good on you, Mr. Holloway, and best wishes as you begin a non-basketball life.

And now, some requisite rock to get pumped for the remainder of the roundup.

FOUR STORIES WORTH THREE LINES APIECE

Playing Up to the Competition, For Once – Reggie Love, infamous for being a bench-whooper for the Blue Devils and certain other indiscretions a few years back, now plays Charlie to Barack Obama’s Jed Bartlett. If that ain’t a story of redemption, we don’t know what is. Yes we can!

Emily, You Can Wheel Over Our Toes Anytime – Emily Seelenfreund recently signed to play basketball for Alabama next. Wheelchair basketball. We were unaware this was a scholarship sport in any manner, but we are pleased by the news and wish the Jersey girl luck dealing with the Tuscaloosa natives. (Free advice – when someone asks you if you are a fan of the Crimson Tide, you needn’t think they are being crude. You should, however, get away as fast as possible, as they are likely to spontaneously combust at any moment. That’s Alabama man for ya.) Also, for being a scholarship athlete despite a debilitating genetic disorder, Emily makes us feel approximately 437% less worthy of breathing the air as her.

This Hadn’t Happened Already? – Bobby Knight joins nine other former West Point denizens as members of the Class of 2008 for the Army Sports Hall of Fame. I guess they were waiting on him to retire, but if that’s the case, they may have jumped the gun. With his coaching career in the rearview, we fully expect Knight to enlist so as to put his chair-throwing skills to use in urban warfare.

Sometimes You Applaud Just Being Able to Reboot – Lute and Christine Olson finally reached a divorce settlement yesterday. Sad as it is to celebrate the end of a public shitstorm sacramental bond, we hope both these crazy kids can move on with their lives. Lute, welcome back to the court – Christine, good luck returning to your life as an oil baroness.

School: North Carolina, Junior.

Basketball Position: Sixth Man.

Life Position: Little Man Syndrome.

Vitals: 6′6, 210lb., 140lbs of which is ego.

2007-2008 Statistics: 11.5 PPG, 4.9 RPG, 1.2 BPG and SPG, as many assists as turnovers. Accounted for about 10% of the Tar Heels’ offensive and defensive statistics and 95% of their pre-game dancing.

Pros: Textbook sixth man. Could defend any college player. Reliable energy spark off the bench. Not afraid to drive the lane. Pretty good behind the arc (37.3%) and at the stripe (87.3%). Fan favorite for many things, mostly for posterizing Greg Paulus. (You’ll need to click through. We’re not posting that picture. No way, no how.

Cons: Textbook ‘tweener. Unclear whether he can defend any NBA player. Never started, and no one thought he should have. Will get destroyed if he drives the NBA lane against bigger defenders. Can’t create his own shot. May request leave from team to audition for So You Think You Can Dance.

Projected Draft Position: Undrafted (Draft Express), 2nd Round / Undrafted (My NBA Draft), 2nd Round / Undrafted (Chad Ford / tWWL), 2nd Round / Undrafted (HoopsHype), 2nd Round / Undrafter (Inside Hoops).

Backup plan: Head back to Carolina and try again next year. Green has one more year of eligibility in Chapel Hill, and Draft Express has him projected for the late first round next year. Even Ol’ Roy told him as much. Which begs the question – what the hell is he doing in the draft now?

According to Green (scroll to the bottom), “I’m not in Tyler’s situation.” He meant off the court, but unfortunately for Green, it’s true on the court as well. Even if he returns to Chapel Hill, Green isn’t guaranteed to crack the starting lineup next year, especially if Wayne Ellington drops out of the draft and returns to UNC as well.

Backup backup plan: Assuming the SYTYCD thing doesn’t work out, he can steal the identity of the recently retired Australian boxer of the same name and begin a barn-storming career with fights against Jose Canseco and Manute Bol.

Yeah, this will totally work.

It’s a big honor to be inducted into the North Carolina Hall of Fame – truly, I’m honored to be here. When you are the coach of a Division III program, you have to keep your expectations realistic. Can’t get ahead of yourself.

Good buffet here tonight. Don’t see too much todo like this at Guilford.

Anyway, thank you for the honor, but I don’t know about this “overcoming all odds” talk. It’s not like I’m that Pistorius guy.

Sure, I recruited three future NBA players to a small, NAIA school in central North Carolina, and won a national title in the ’70s. But every squirrel finds a nut – and let me tell you, World B. Free was one hell of a nut. But it was a different era. You could convince a guy to leave the big city for a small school without handing over tens of thousands of dollars in illegal payments. Didn’t have that kind of money at Guilford. All we offered was good coaching, a great education, and all the moonshine and co-eds you could handle. It was a simpler time, really.

And yeah, I coached a couple of teams to golf national championships as well, even though I don’t know much about golf. Doesn’t seem like a big deal. Guilford needed to cut the budget, so I tried to help out where I could. I always say that a good coach can coach anything. Tried to prove it once by taking over a cock-fighting ring during a mission trip in Guatamala a few years back. We were only there for a few weeks, but with tough practices and good motivation, I had Señor Garra winning every match he fought. It’s just a matter of getting through to the kids – or animals, whatever.

So yeah – proud to be here tonight, but I just took what life gave me. You can do the same.

(Ed. – In all seriousness, coaching two sports to championships at any level? What a badass. Read the profile.)

No Christmas in Memphis this year.

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
When Looking East Mean Going West.
Our father’s favorite phrase in our youth? “Never let the facts get in the way of a good story.” Useful for a budding lawya, sure, but more useful still for rumor mongering in the off-season.

Late Wednesday, a local reporter in Memphis reported on his blog (journalists! blogs! mass hysteria!) that Memphis was in serious negotiations with the Big East to join the megaconference. (HT: Eamonn.) And it was a report! He had sources and confirmation and everything! Good story!

But with a big enough stage, the absence of facts becomes too glaring – and when the President of U of M and a spokesman for the Big East both deny any such negotiations (laughingly, no less) – well, we think that our friend Matt Stark will be working at MyFoxMemphis or its equivalent for a little while longer.

Don’t get us wrong – Memphis to the Big East makes sense. The Tigers would balance the football schedule, and since the conference is already too big for basketball, what’s another team if they actually bring quality with the quantity? And since the conference has already shown their indifference towards geographic common sense and academic prowess, Memphis’ two major weaknesses pose no problem!

Alas – not to be. Rumor on, fellow soldiers – but on this point, Memphis and its fans are reduced to early ’90s easy listening.

THREE OTHER STORIES WORTH ONE LINE APIECE

Dan Jock-Itch Lands Six Figures – Unfortunately not as a salary for the still-unemployed Dakich, but as a settlement from Indiana, which apparently has a larger “hush money” budget than any public institution we’re familiar with.

So Lute Won’t Be Completely Lonely – Arizona finally breaks down and hires an assistant coach, poaching Russ Pennell from rival Arizona State and tabbing Mike Dunlap of the Denver Nuggets as the new heir to the throne – since it worked out so well the last time Olson picked a guy with primarily NBA experience as his successor.

This is Why We Hate Ratings – Ratings are nasty things – they lead to shows like Friday Night Lights scraping for a spot on DirecTV, and they lead to smarmy articles declaring the return of American Gladiators to be epic fail. If you can’t get behind Jet, Crush, and Rocket Ball … we don’t know what to tell you. Perhaps you should be subjected to this hot tranny mass.

Many are only subject to a “public notice” penalty, which from all we can tell is somewhere between a few days in the stockades and the online equivalent of a wagging finger. Stephen Colbert approves.

But for a dozen or so schools, including a handful of teams from this year’s NCAA tournament, headlined by Tennessee, their low APR score means they will lose scholarships. The Vols will lose one free ride, which is convenient since they just booted two scholarship players from the team. No word on the other offenders. (We meant the other schools, but you didn’t know for a second there, did ya? Go Vols!)

Proudly, none of the institutions we have attended landed on the big list of fail – but for those that did, we offer the following as a public service announcement:

THE STORY EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT
End of Semester Rules at Chapel Hill

As seen yesterday at Rush the Court with 850 the Buzz, some Carolina basketball players spent the end of the semester blowing off some steam earlier this week with a little roof hopping. Now, it was enough for Ol’ Roy that his presumptive starting point guard for next year, Bobby Fraser, was diving from two stories up when he is supposed to be rehabbing his knee. But we have to imagine that seeing his All-American take the high-gravity dip would send him into a tizzy:

For Tyler’s sake, we hope the pool is filled with Chi Omega girls.

In case yesterday’s conversation with his brother didn’t do it for you, that picture above is all the evidence you need of why Psycho T is staying in college as long as he can. (HT for the photo to the Deadspin commenters, you profane bunch of cellar dwellers.)

TWO STORIES THAT INTERESTED US FOR NO GOOD REASON
Wisconsiners Still Up in Arms Over Tom Crean

We’re a step behind The Dagger and Fanhouse in getting to this, but good stories deserve being told thrice. And like most good stories, it starts out with two buddies watching a game together, and then goes terribly wrong:

During the course of the game Aaron Dumas and John Capista began discussing how much success Crean would have in the Big Ten. [...] While the complaint is silent about who was taking which position, Dumas and Capista were discussing the possibilities “when the discussion turned from friendly into a heated debate,” according to the criminal complaint charging Dumas with battery. Capista told police that Dumas became so upset he lunged toward him and “punched him in the face with a closed fist striking him on the bridge of the nose,” and followed that up with four or five more punches.

Other topics that would have sent Dumas and Capista into fisticuffs: whether Aaron Rodgers is ready to start for the Packers; whether Prince Fielder’s decision to go veggie was ill-advised; whether brats should be boiled before grilling; and whether the first guy interviewed here is a patriot or a douchebag:

We Suppose No Early is Too Early

Like most people, we view preseason polls and All-American lists for what they are – an excuse to get excited for the upcoming season, but little more than media members looking into a crystal ball and seeing what they want to see. The folks at Bleacher Report, however, believe this has not been taken far enough. Not when they can look into their own crystal ball to see what they believe the media will see when they … ah, crap, this just got too meta for us, but you get the point.

BR released its preseason All-American list six months before the start of the season, bringing all of this mess to a whole new level of “too soon”. But if Joe Lunardi can post his first Bracketology for the 2008-2009 season only a week after the National Championship game, what’s the use in waiting?

OBVIOUS TO THE POINT OF DUMB ARTICLE PREMISE OF THE DAY
College Gambling is Fun But Potentially Dangerous

We’re a little embarrassed that this came from our alma mater, but here goes – a would-be expose of the seedy nature of high stakes gambling by college students. Plenty of shocking revelations from this (Men are more likely to gamble than women??? Kids gamble more at schools where sports teams are good??? There’s an overlap between compulsive gambling and substance abuse??? And substance abuse is a problem on college campuses??? AAAIIIIIEEE!!), but the most hurtful quote was the following:

Considering its recent success in basketball, and, according to James, “the fact that Georgetown students tend to have deeper pockets than kids at other colleges,” how does Georgetown gambling stack up?

“I have actually had contact with very little gambling at Georgetown,” Greg says. “Aside from small stakes poker games (like $5 dollars to buy in) and betting on March Madness I have not seen it at all.”

We’re not sure why two probably-true sentences regarding the Georgetown student body bother us so much … but sometimes the truth hurts. Hoyas are both privileged AND risk-averse.