Rebecca Lobo addresses the graduating class at her alma mater.

Graduating seniors, esteemed faculty, family and friends of the UConn community - I’m so happy to be back with you all here in Storrs today. Even though I last played for Coach Auriemma thirteen years ago, my experiences here at the University of Connecticut continue to be the best of my life. I’ll always be proud of how much I accomplished here, and will be eternally grateful for everything it learned during my college career.

Which is why I’m truly honored to address the graduating class this year. I hope that all of you graduating seniors have made memories here in that you hold just as dear, and that you have dreams just as big for what you will do when you leave here today. But I also hope and pray that someone in this audience will save me from the hell I’ve been living since I left.

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Mess with the bull …

We have a certain friend - we’re guessing many of our readers know someone similar - who is just a f***in’ moron with women. He misses signals from interested women. He goes after the wrong type and drowns in flames. When he does land a girl, she is insufferable, and causes friction between him and his friends as he devotes himself to attending vegetarian cookoffs with her. By the time he comes to his senses, his buddies are pissed from five straight missed poker nights and a dozen unreturned phone calls, and he pretty much has to start from scratch in every aspect of his personal life.

We tell the tale of this friend because, after each crash and burn, we tell him, “Dude, maybe you should just be single and NOT looking for a while.” And we feel that someone needs to offer the same advice to Lute Olsen because … well, things aren’t going so hot out in Arizona:

Either way, the byproduct is this: A 73-year-old man (Olson) whose health has been questioned for years is coming off a leave of absence and trying to lead a program that is expected to lose its top two players (Jerryd Bayless and Chase Budinger) from a squad that just finished seventh in the Pac-10.

That’s a tall order, and that Olson will likely do it without a single returning assistant — while going through a publicly nasty divorce — should make it even taller, and if McDonald’s All-American Brandon Jennings doesn’t qualify (he still has some serious work to do, I’m told) then Wildcat basketball could be headed toward its worst season in many decades.

Lute, our advice - stay off the dating scene and spend that time reconnecting with your players and assistants. We’re told the young folk these days like to play video games. Maybe you could try that.

Since it isn’t Wednesday, we don’t feel bad for stealing a concept from the mothership. We hope everyone enjoys Mexican St. Patrick’s Day by drinking their fill in non-Corona Mexican beer (because Corona is for people who hate themselves), eating their body weight in tortilla chips, and accidentally injuring a loved one while swinging at a piñata.

Ready to conquer all the French forces … and ladies … in his path.

Us? Oh, we’ll be doing our part for the festivities, then playing GTA IV for about ten hours before taking the last final exam of our academic careers tomorrow morning. No morning roundup, but we’ll be back in the afternoon.

Happy Mustache de Mayo, everybody!

In a Chapel Hill apartment house, around 3am…

Psycho T: [on the phone] I don’t know what to do, Dad. Do I go pro? Do I stay here?

[chewing noises]

Gene Hansbrough: Andrew Tyler, are you eating a got-damn puppy again?

Psycho T: …..yes.

Papa H: Put that shit down. It’s not good for you, especially at this hour.

Psycho T: But it’s the only thing I can eat when I’m upset like this!

Papa H: That’s just pathetic. You think that if you go to the NBA, teams are just gonna put a puppy mill next to your house like they did in Chapel Hill?

Psycho T: [thinks for a long second] Yes?

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INDIANAPOLIS (AP) - In response to demands from coaches and fans of college basketball, as well as rising rancor from media coverage of the sport, the NCAA promised that it would make changes to the way in which college basketball chooses its national champion starting in 2009.

“We didn’t want to throw away seventy years of tradition on a whim, but tension against the tournament-style format has been building for years,” said NCAA President Myles Brand on Monday morning after a three-hour meeting with university presidents. “Ultimately, we think that it is time that college basketball came into agreement with our other major revenue sport so that the fans can finally be satisfied with end-of-season matchups that are both satisfying and will conclusively determine the best team in the sport.”

The new Poll of Objective and Observable Percentages (POOP) system*, designed by ACC Commissioner and BCS President John Swofford and a team of trained monkeys, is based on the successful Bowl Championship Series used in Division I-A football. Teams will be rated on a weekly basis, starting Jan. 1 of each year / season. The rankings will take into account three factors: the team’s rank in the Ratings Percentage Index (RPI), the team’s rank in the ESPN/USA Today Coaches’ Poll, and the team’s average rating across eight computer-based ranking systems. Each of these three sources will be treated equally, and the average of the three values will constitute the team’s straight POOP score.

“Our hope is that by using POOP to determine who plays for the national championship, rather than the current haphazard system of the NCAA tournament, we’ll be able to restore some normalcy to the proceedings,” said Swofford. “I mean, the whole March Madness name is a double-edged sword, ya know?”
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Sometimes, life hands you a perfect picture - so we won’t let our words get in the way of this work of beauty by this rudimentary-but-effect

ive MSU student last month:

We love just about everything about this picture - the shit-eating smirk on the face of the guy holding it, the dumb-as-nails look on the face of the goon to his left, the fact that every other student seems to be drinking Mountain Dew. (Of course, that is the definitive indicator of a cow college - find the institution with the highest rate of Mountain Dew consumption, and you, sir, have found your state’s land grant institution. These are the facts.)

Of course, the sign is factually right. 2 Girls 1 Cup (no, we won’t link that, because we’re not crazy) at least starts with the promise of hot lesbian action. The Beilein era started with no such pizazz, and as its inaugural season comes to a close tomorrow night (presumably), their coach simply has to be wondering if he made the wrong move by leaving the relatively friendly confines of Morgantown for Ann Arbor. For now, Coach, let us humbly suggest that you NOT use Google to find out what that sign meant.

(Massive HT for brightening up our otherwise shitty-shitty-no-good week: Tom.)

After another busy tournament weekend, it’s time for another installment of “conference elimination theater” here at Thirtyfive Seconds. Please put your favorites in the comments (lord knows we left some behind), but once again, join us as we say goodbye to teams that have provided us with seconds of laughter over the past years, such as …

The Manhattan Jaspers, who fell to giant-killer Siena …

The Canisius Golden Griffins, whose failure to Rider reminded us why we, on dark days, we sometimes cheer for Slytherin …

The always tasteful Centenary Gentlemen, who, in a most gentlemanly fashion, gave Oral a full 40 minutes before finally collapsing …

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We love us some small conference basketball for approximately one billion reasons, but the short list looks something like this:

1) Defense (they play it);
2) 3-pointers (manna and nectar for small teams);
3) Funny looking white dudes (see (2));
4) Underrated trim (especially brainy and/or outwardly pious trim);
5) Curiosity towards students who actively sought schools without big time sports.

But when we’re honest with ourselves, we know the real reason we love these conferences – and, we suspect, the one reason that brings us all together in their support – are their ridiculous names. So as we enter conference tournament season and teams begin to make their official exit for the season, we want to take a moment to look back and remember the ridiculously funny teams we’ve enjoyed throughout the year. Today, we put up tombstones for two perennial favorites: The Liberty Flames and the Stetson Hatters.

Gentle … men? … you will be missed.

Real life kicked us in the teeth this morning, so no roundup until after lunch. But we will be back. Why would you choose life, choose a job, choose anything when there is blogging?

From the sources developed over hours seconds of hard work by Eirishis and Orson, Thirtyfive Seconds is proud to announce the return of Blind Item Thursday!

WHICH PAC-10 HEAD COACH spent his adolescent years living the mean streets of South Central with only bread, water, and the ability to coax older and larger young felons to set pick as means to survive?

WHICH HORIZON LEAGUE COACH refused to take a call from a BCS conference school last week, saying that he was perfectly happy where he was and, why, no, he doesn’t need a few million dollars?

WHO IS THE MOUNTAIN WEST PLAYER that plans to leave school as soon as the season is over, not for the NBA, but to serve as a missionary to the heathen land of New York?

(… might well be all of them …)

WHICH MISSOURI VALLEY COACH spends his days figuring out ways to hack iTunes?

WHICH SEC COACH offered to lead his state’s National Guard in a border war if necessary?

(… is there any doubt?? …)

And now as a special bonus - BLIND ITEMS REVEALED!

WHO IS FORMER BIG TEN STAR will appear as the star of an erotic legal fiction series in an attempt to rehab his image in the public eye?

Revealed! It’s Isiah Thomas.

What, too soon? (HT on pic: Thomas.)

WHICH BIG EAST COACH, when pressed by his five year old nephew, told him A COMPLETELY INCORRECT AND UNFACTUAL ANSWER to the question “Why is the sky blue?”

Revealed! It’s Tom Crean of Marquette.

Because I commanded it, Timmy. Now go get Uncle Tom a Diet Pepsi.

WHICH ANNOUNCER once served in the MERCHANT MARINE AS A CRUSTY BUT LOVABLE NAVIGATOR before turning to a career in television following a savage PIRATE ATTACK?

Revealed! It’s Doris Burke of ESPN.

Servitude brought unspeakable acts. Do not ask.

In response to yesterday’s Morning Roundup, a few kind individuals pointed out that the University of San Diego, the team Saint Mary’s knocked off Monday night, is also a Catholic school. A quick check of the most authoritative source available to budding lawyas confirms that seven out of eight members of the West Coast Conference are run by children of the Bishop of Rome.

Um … whoops. Must of missed all the unis at mass on Sunday. Let me bring out Sister Mary Katherine for an appropriate punishment.

[rubs wrists] Sister needs to get laid.

Anyway, the overall point stands - Catholic schools have a weird habit of dominating small conference ball, even when they don’t control more than half of the teams in question. (See: A-10 and WCC this year, Patriot and MAAC most years, not to mention all the Jessy schools in major conferences and the biggest upset in college basketball history.)

Whelliston probably has a historical explanation for this, but the only story we can come up with is that just because player aren’t ready for big conference ball doesn’t mean they aren’t itchin’ for big conference poon - and wherever go the priests, there go the school girls.

Obligatory, if utterly NSFW video that is totally acceptable because, dammit, The Kentucky Fried Movie was an important cultural moment after the jump.
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My, how ribald a blind item can be!!

WHICH SEC COACH has been seen recruiting at juvenile detention centers all over the southeast?

( …most of em…)

WHICH BIG EAST COACH refuses to implement the Triangle 2 defense because it’s “too faggy”?

WHICH FORMER GEORGETOWN COACH was recently forced to resign from his position as girl’s softball coach at a Washington area elementary school?

WHICH PRINCETON COACH wants to run his own motherfucking offense for once?

WHICH BIG EAST COACH eats his polish sausage in one bite without a bun or any sort of utensils?

WHICH BIG EAST COACH is simultaneously running the largest crime family in Philadelphia?

(Jay Wright…SHHHHHH!)

WHICH PAC 10 COACH thinks that AIDS can be transmitted through your dreams?

And for a bonus…BLIND ITEMS REVEALED!!!

WHAT IVY LEAGUE COACH…has every episode of “A different World” on VHS?

Blind item revealed! It’s Tommy Amaker.

WHAT C-USA COACH…appears in the World of Warcraft as a dwarf mage named Thundercock?

Blind item revealed! It’s John Calipari.

WHAT Big Ten Coach is prominently featured in a 1992 issue of High Times magazine?

Blind item revealed! It’s Thad Matta.

WHAT SEC COACH is best known for his cameo appearance on 1980s syndicated serial “Small Wonder?”

Blind Item revealed! Billy Donovan, who played Jamie’s robot “half-brother” in the 1984 episode “Half-brother Half-machine”

WHAT BASKETBALL ANNOUNCER is wanted for war crimes and tax fraud in South Africa in connection with his time as a mercenary in Angola in the 1970s and 80s?

Blind Item Revealed! It’s Dick Vitale.

Biowarfare, babeeee!