So, it’s still a few months from the start of any relevant college season – what’s that? College World Series? Blow me. – so Eirishis and Orson need something to keep themselves off the streets and off the junk ’til August. The results are sometimes frightening. Today – in honor of the Top Chef semifinals (don’t pretend you didn’t watch), we staff our hypothetical restaurant kitchens with figures from college football and basketball, past and present.

First pick goes to Orson. Add your own picks to the comments, natch.

1. Orson – Herschel Walker. A full kitchen staff embodied in a single person.

eirishis – What happens when his internal sous chef starts battling with his internal chef d’cuisine over menu direction?

2. Eirishis – Chris Webber. Willing to bring soul food to any occasion, any location – even purgatory in SacTown.

orson – Issue: may get the number of orders wrong.
eirishis – And may get the restaurant shut down for acceptance of improper gifts of chicken and waffles.

3. O – Jim Tressel. Just look at the wardrobe and tell me the man doesn’t have an innate talent for making phenomenal crêpe suzette.

eirishis – Disagree. You think that man has a bottle of Grandma in his house? Sweatervest can’t take anything stronger than a daiquiri.
orson – You may disagree. But the sweater alone is capable of making all the mother sauces blindfolded.

Apparently this model only makes mayonnaise.

(more…)

Why thank you. I think the gray goatee makes me look classy as well.

No, no, no … you are too kind. Thank you for the invitation to join you at your fine institution. A fine institution, I say, because you seem like a person of honor, and as another person of honor, I take you at your word that it is such an institution. That is fine. Champagne?

I’m also pleased to see that you were able to see past the untruths that others told you about me. Poppycock, I tell you – the allegations, the pointed fingers, the name-calling, the claims that I would have my way with you then cast you aside like a sweat-stained ascot – all poppycock and tomfoolery. I can tell the depth of your [pause, with a glance down and back up] personality that you were able to see past all of that. My, you finished that quickly.

Did you know Boca Raton means “The Mouth of the Thief”? I just learned that. It’s Spanish, you know. Please, help yourself – the bottle won’t finish itself, and there is plenty more. Plenty, I assure you.

I want to think about our future together. You know I’m not like those other guys. My commitment to you is like your grandfather – it started long before I even knew you. Can you believe that? I lived here for three years before I even knew you were here as well. And now, I hope we can share something very deep, very real, forever. [adjusts tie, while winking at Alabama, Georgia, and Florida State at the same time as they all ogle him from the bar]

That’s right … drink it down.

Since it isn’t Wednesday, we don’t feel bad for stealing a concept from the mothership. We hope everyone enjoys Mexican St. Patrick’s Day by drinking their fill in non-Corona Mexican beer (because Corona is for people who hate themselves), eating their body weight in tortilla chips, and accidentally injuring a loved one while swinging at a piñata.

Ready to conquer all the French forces … and ladies … in his path.

Us? Oh, we’ll be doing our part for the festivities, then playing GTA IV for about ten hours before taking the last final exam of our academic careers tomorrow morning. No morning roundup, but we’ll be back in the afternoon.

Happy Mustache de Mayo, everybody!

In a Chapel Hill apartment house, around 3am…

Psycho T: [on the phone] I don’t know what to do, Dad. Do I go pro? Do I stay here?

[chewing noises]

Gene Hansbrough: Andrew Tyler, are you eating a got-damn puppy again?

Psycho T: …..yes.

Papa H: Put that shit down. It’s not good for you, especially at this hour.

Psycho T: But it’s the only thing I can eat when I’m upset like this!

Papa H: That’s just pathetic. You think that if you go to the NBA, teams are just gonna put a puppy mill next to your house like they did in Chapel Hill?

Psycho T: [thinks for a long second] Yes?

(more…)

INDIANAPOLIS (AP) – In response to demands from coaches and fans of college basketball, as well as rising rancor from media coverage of the sport, the NCAA promised that it would make changes to the way in which college basketball chooses its national champion starting in 2009.

“We didn’t want to throw away seventy years of tradition on a whim, but tension against the tournament-style format has been building for years,” said NCAA President Myles Brand on Monday morning after a three-hour meeting with university presidents. “Ultimately, we think that it is time that college basketball came into agreement with our other major revenue sport so that the fans can finally be satisfied with end-of-season matchups that are both satisfying and will conclusively determine the best team in the sport.”

The new Poll of Objective and Observable Percentages (POOP) system*, designed by ACC Commissioner and BCS President John Swofford and a team of trained monkeys, is based on the successful Bowl Championship Series used in Division I-A football. Teams will be rated on a weekly basis, starting Jan. 1 of each year / season. The rankings will take into account three factors: the team’s rank in the Ratings Percentage Index (RPI), the team’s rank in the ESPN/USA Today Coaches’ Poll, and the team’s average rating across eight computer-based ranking systems. Each of these three sources will be treated equally, and the average of the three values will constitute the team’s straight POOP score.

“Our hope is that by using POOP to determine who plays for the national championship, rather than the current haphazard system of the NCAA tournament, we’ll be able to restore some normalcy to the proceedings,” said Swofford. “I mean, the whole March Madness name is a double-edged sword, ya know?”
(more…)

Sometimes, life hands you a perfect picture – so we won’t let our words get in the way of this work of beauty by this rudimentary-but-effect

ive MSU student last month:

We love just about everything about this picture – the shit-eating smirk on the face of the guy holding it, the dumb-as-nails look on the face of the goon to his left, the fact that every other student seems to be drinking Mountain Dew. (Of course, that is the definitive indicator of a cow college – find the institution with the highest rate of Mountain Dew consumption, and you, sir, have found your state’s land grant institution. These are the facts.)

Of course, the sign is factually right. 2 Girls 1 Cup (no, we won’t link that, because we’re not crazy) at least starts with the promise of hot lesbian action. The Beilein era started with no such pizazz, and as its inaugural season comes to a close tomorrow night (presumably), their coach simply has to be wondering if he made the wrong move by leaving the relatively friendly confines of Morgantown for Ann Arbor. For now, Coach, let us humbly suggest that you NOT use Google to find out what that sign meant.

(Massive HT for brightening up our otherwise shitty-shitty-no-good week: Tom.)

We love us some small conference basketball for approximately one billion reasons, but the short list looks something like this:

1) Defense (they play it);
2) 3-pointers (manna and nectar for small teams);
3) Funny looking white dudes (see (2));
4) Underrated trim (especially brainy and/or outwardly pious trim);
5) Curiosity towards students who actively sought schools without big time sports.

But when we’re honest with ourselves, we know the real reason we love these conferences – and, we suspect, the one reason that brings us all together in their support – are their ridiculous names. So as we enter conference tournament season and teams begin to make their official exit for the season, we want to take a moment to look back and remember the ridiculously funny teams we’ve enjoyed throughout the year. Today, we put up tombstones for two perennial favorites: The Liberty Flames and the Stetson Hatters.

Gentle … men? … you will be missed.

Can u hr me now? Good.

Kelvin Sampson: OK … can’t catch any flies without putting out a little honey. Time to get started on the call list for the day!

[dials]

Eric Gordon: Hello?

KS: Hey Eric – how are you holding up? You feeling good? You feeling strong?

EG: Um, hey Coach.

KS: Nice win over tOSU on Tuesday – nice win. You and D.J. looked great out there. You always look great, you beautiful boys, you.

EG: [mildly weirded out, but used to it by now] Thanks, Coach. Look, it’s good to hear from you, but are you really supposed to be talking to us?

(more…)

[Stanford players exit the floor after beating Cal 79-69]

Brook: d00d!

Robin: d00d!

Brook: Whoa!

Robin: That game rocked. We both hit double digits, totally shut down their post game … GOD, it feels good to beat a rival.

Brook: Rock.

Robin: Especially when its another so-called “smart school.”

Brook: I guess.

(more…)

Gonzaga will get a badly needed player back on the floor in the form of Josh Heytvelt, who is coming back from injury himself: a stress fracture in his foot that he opted to have a pin inserted in rather than have surgery and miss more playing time.

Heytvelt is also taking the long road back from being caught with a mammoth bag of Cali mushrooms in February, an arrest made much worse when the Spokane Review published pictures of the trip-pillow he was carrying around with him. We cut basketball players a good bit more slack than many athletes when it comes to substance abuse. Our childhood greats went around on the court zonked out of their mind on the finest of chiba and God knows what else, especially Robert Parrish, who looked like the Queen Mary chugging into port when he went town the court: a long black shape trailing a dark cloud of smoke.

The odds are stacked enough against even a noted giant-killer like Gonzaga. If Heytvelt wants to attempt to even the score by chomping on a few mushroom muffins and play the whole game swatting at those damn pterodactyls who want the ball, let him.
Just take the wings off the ball, man. Makes this shit so much harder to play than it already is.

Pic courtesy of Dan.