The college basketball landscape is a vast, vast countryside with rolling meadows, open plains, treacherous cliffs, and other various biomes ripe for hyperbole. 35seconds would like to help everyone explore this random land of wonderment by bringing to light some lesser known programs. Whether they have bracket-busting aspirations, interesting back stories, or just give good mascot, there’s always room for some mid-major lovin’.

Tennessee State University Tigers (5-9, 2-3)-RPI: 233, currently unranked

Notable wins: at Illinois, at Eastern Illinois, Morehead State

Notable losses: at Indiana, at Vanderbilt, Georgia Tech

Located in Nashville, Tennessee, TSU is most known for being the alma mater of Oprah and her vast, vast, VAST media empire. While the school isn’t well known for much else and isn’t embroiled in an African boarding school debacle, the Tigers fight it out in the Ohio Valley Conference hoping to at least be the best team from Tennessee in the OVC. They are currently last in this regard behind Tennesse-Martin, Tennessee Tech, and Austin Peay. Austin Peay the statesman was also rumored to be one hell of a baller in his time, but now deceased, the spread would likely be something like the senator laying two and a hook. Junior guard Bruce Price leads the Tigers with 20pts and 5 assists, but honestly the only reason we noticed these guys at all is because we get the Big Ten Network, the official home of the nonconference upset. Here’s hoping they catch some more lightning in a bottle so we have an ironic 15 seed to pull for.

Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks (12-1, 0-0)-RPI: 69, currently unranked

Notable Wins: at Oklahoma, at SMU, at NIU,

Notable Losses: at Texas Tech

Ok, let’s get the details out of the way because there’s a lot of awesome rolling around the campus of SFASU that it would be a disservice to this column to ignore any part of it. The Lumberjacks are living up to their sweet name this year by doing some nice RPI damage in their non-conference schedule and it looks to be between them and last year’s equally great Southland candidate, The Texas A&M Corpus Christi Islanders. They will depend on juniors Matt Kingsley and Josh Alexander, each averages around 16.5 points and 5 rebounds a night.

With that out of the way, let’s dig in to the outstanding B stories long before the guys at CBS get their hands on them. A brief background in Texas history, Austin hates Houston, and Sam Houston is logically Stephen Austin’s chief rival. The members of the Sawyers carry axe handles into football games to intimidate their opponents, and get their own section of the stadium to wield their festive bludgeoning instruments. The basketball team has their own brand of crazy, with a section devoted to Purple Haze, the rabid fans, the Jimi Hendrix song, and one of the nicknames for a festive party beverage. As far as notable alumni go, we have to defer to Joseph W. Kennedy, the co-discoverer of plutonium. Plutonium fucking rocks.

Hey there, everyone. Katie Ralston here of your local friendly Champaign-Urbana chapter of the Illini Bandwagon. I just wanted to remind everyone that we are still having weekly meetings at The White Horse at 6pm every Wednesday. Come on in and enjoy the $1.50 drafts and $5 pitchers of yummy spiced rum and Pepsi as we all get geared up for Karaoke at 9.

I know its been a rough year being a member of the Illini bandwagon and all, and sure, we suck some righteous ass right now, but that’s no reason to not support how much we don’t hate our sort of favorite team. Right? Right? Right. We all know there’s just so many reasons why the team is struggling this year, and all of it is completely not our fault. Its so hard to win at Illinois because we’re so awesome and the deck is stacked against us almost every night. We need to stick together like the temporary counsel of indigenous peoples that this school represent and show our love for the team or at least the color orange, which by the way is totally ridonk with practically everything.

Looking at the year so far, its not that much of a surprise to the loyal bandwagoner why we’re getting slapped around by the Penn States of the world. I mean, seriously, Penn State? Ewww. Its obvious that they had some help to get out of the House of Paign alive. The refs were clearly on their side the whole night. No matter how much my friends and I screamed our love for Stevey Holdren (so cute!) those losers wouldn’t give us any breaks. Good thing Coach Weber didn’t put him in, because he totally would have thrown some fucking elbows in their face just because. Our man’s got five fouls to give, and at least one of them is going to be a forearm to some unsuspecting phony major dumbass. Maybe they don’t teach “Not getting kicked in the teeth” at places like Tennessee State. Our school is so much smarter than that.  I wanted to punch them with brass knuckles covered in razor wire after that one.  Christ.

Why don’t these retarded visiting teams just realize how insanely good we are and just lie down? Its because they are all out to get us. Everyone has painted a target on the Illini’s back just because of all of the things that we do so much better than them, like accounting and stuff, but even that shit about how we invented the internet. Look it up, bitches. Its really just the conference doesn’t want us to completely take over. Its absolutely them, the networks, and the Jews. Don’t think I don’t know what’s going on out there, guys. you know they totally told that limp-wristed Eric Gordon to go to Indiana and paid Bill Self to go start his crazy church missionary crap out there in Kansas. Fuckers.

Anyway, be sure to come by this week when we plan on doing ass loads of shots with Dee Brown, he’s pretty much here every night.

Billy Gillespie is probably picking up ‘For Sale’ signs off of his front lawn at this hour. Louisville, struggling with its own problems right now, took the Wildcats to task in front of the hostile crowd at Rupp Arena that practially blue itself in disgust. The Cardinals were deep and fast with a defensive presence full of the double entendres. Senior forward Juan Palacios returned after being injured for 10 games, putting up 17 points with 6 rebounds and 4 assists. Right about now, Kentucky fans are probably inching very closely to the “Fire Coach” lever which, if you are not familiar with it, looks remarkably like Conan O’Brien’s “Walker, Texas Ranger” lever.

Louisville 89 - Kentucky 75

#16 Villanova walked into the Allstate Arena last night prepared to walk all over the suffering Blue Demons.  DePaul was not expected to stay with the Wildcats, but opened up an 18-8 lead out of spite.  Villanova never got closer than 5 points after that, and suffice to say, their coach was not pleased.  Techinical foul awarded to the Pinstriped One as his team start the Big East season with a weak road loss.  Depaul’s senior guard Draelon Burns scored 20 points as the Demons led by as much as 16 points midway through the second.  His performance earns him a fashionable new set of cement shoes and some nice fresh fish on his visit to Philly next Wednesday.

DePaul 84-Villanova 76

Ahoy there my lovely basketball travelers. I hadn’t seen you there on the leisure deck as I was thoroughly focused on my refreshing Campari on ice, so nice. So, it seems we’re ready to chart a course through these blustery midwestern times and set off to the lush tropical climes of hot and sexy conference play. Tonight’s main attractions bring a few old friends together with the dash of the exotic. Manuelo! Full speed ahead to fantastic!

Pushing Off With Some Light Jams

Lafayette at (13) Pittsburgh 700et, ESPNU
TCU at (14) Texas 500et, ESPN Full Court

Some of us aren’t ready to head out into the open seas, so we’ll just kick back and take in some sweet cupcakes as we ready the riggings for a full night of smooth conference play. Enjoy these match ups as a change of pace between more rigourous bouts of delightful.

Strong Beats and Primal Screams

Penn State at Northwestern, 900et ESPN2

Rutgers at South Florida, 700et ESPN2

St. John’s at Syracuse, 700et ESPN Full Court

Some real meaty conference mumbo jumbo going on right here. The scrappy nights leaving it all on the line start right here and right now. Sure, they may not be the flashiest songs in the book, but you can’t make a good setlist without them. Start the conference fires burning on this cold winter’s night, and keep it burning bright. You’ve got to keep the fire. Keep the fire as we head into these stormy waters.

Tonight, Your Specials Will Be Smooth

#24 Wisconsin at Michigan, 700et
#12 Indiana at Iowa, 900et

Some classy types kick off their conference schedules with some light doormats. Iowa and Michigan haven’t started the season off on their best feet, but there may be some hope for just a little bit of home cooking. Its still Top 25 magic stirring the pot, and the wins count just the same. The Badgers and Hoosiers look to keep it smooth as they put on their rock bloukers and start their schedule with some comfortably casual and confident play.  These two are so smooth they’re for regional eyes only.

Chinua Achebe tried to warn us but we were too busy being tasered to notice.

It should come as no secret that I’m a huge fan of Pitt hoops and their spritely spark plug, Levance Fields. So I was obviously devastated to return to the computer after a week off to find that my beloved point guard broke a metatarsal (latin for “ass-kicking bone”) and will miss at least two months..

Fields survived an off-season plagued by a handsy cop with an itchy taser finger know he’s on the shelf because of a fucking toe. It marked the second consecutive game in which Pitt lost one of their starters for an extended (read: all fucking season) period. The team has lost another leader and taken a serious hit to their overall depth. Sharp-shooting Ronald Ramon takes over at point while future-stud Gilbert Brown is filling in on the wing.

In the past two games the Panthers are 1-1 with a huge overtime upset over Duke and a crushing defeat at the hands of the indomitable Flyers of Dayton. Sweeping Georgetown might not be quite as realistic a concept as it was last week.

I’m sure other stuff has happened in the world of college basketball, and as soon as my hangover subsides I’ll be sure to look into it.

…to all of you from Thirty-Five Seconds. Tonight and only tonight, have as much sex as you like in the Champagne Room.

Happy New Year to all.

The noble and hearty Big Ten team valiantly defended their home turf, but it was all for naught. Rallying back from a laughable 14 points in the second half, the [redacted] had a chance to seal it late. Unfortunately, that chance was senior center Shaun Pruitt at the free throw line. The big man tossed an 0 fer Patrick Ewing style, allowing TSU to extend their lead with some charity stripe action of their own. The Tigers single handedly earn a trip to this week’s “Who Are These Guys?” despite their 4-7 record, meanwhile, the [fighting redacted]’s season continues its schadenfreude-tastic ways. Adding this game to the bad loss column with Miami(OH), they limp into conference play on Thursday to host Ohio State.

Tennessee State 60 - Illinois 58

The Duke/UNC rivalry got a little bit less pale last night when the Tar Heels lost guard Bobby Frasor for the season. The scrappy, intelligent, gutsy, Welker-esque guard went down when his ACL blew out like Bob Huggins on a New Years bender. UNC will now be forced to play the rest of the season without their best chucker, until they find some random walk-on with a comparable skill set.

In related news, the wine and cheese aficionados of Chapel Hill were delighted to receive free fish sticks biscuits after their boys went for triple figures against Nevada.

In unrelated news, Gary Parrish is the whiny bitch of the day for complaining about shit that couldn’t possibly matter any less. He is worthy of your finest scorn and derision.

The college basketball landscape is a vast, vast countryside with rolling meadows, open plains, treacherous cliffs, and other various biomes ripe for hyperbole. 35seconds would like to help everyone explore this random land of wonderment by bringing to light some lesser known programs. Whether they have bracket-busting aspirations, interesting back stories, or just give good mascot, there’s always room for some mid-major lovin’.

Morehead State Eagles (4-7, 2-2)-RPI: 292, currently unranked

Notable Wins: Western Illinois, Eastern Illinois, Alice Lloyd College

Notable Losses: at Bowling Green, at Oklahoma, at Louisville

Nestled twixt the foothills of the Daniel Boone National Park in Rowan County, the town of Morehead Kentucky is home to the Eagles of the Ohio Valley Conference. Known for little more than its unfortunate moniker, the co-educational university was named to US News And World Report’s “Top 25 Schools in the South” and is also home to one of only four colleges to offer degrees in “space science.” Notable alumni include game show hosting legend Chuck Woolery (outfits furnished by Botany 500), former football Giants quarterback Phil Simms, and Hannah Montana’s dad. Coached by Donnie Tyndall, Eagles class of ‘93, the squad lost almost all of their experience from last season. Only four players on the current roster have played D-I minutes. Led by senior guard Nikola Stojakovic (7 assists/game) , Morehead State looks to get the ball to its young offensive talents, sophomore Maze Stallworth (13 points/3 rebounds per game) and freshman Kenneth Faried (10/7). Junior transfer Lee Simmons should also bring his experience into the mix at forward. To get to the dance, Morehead will have to get past SE Missouri St. and Austin Peay in the OVC and improve on last year’s RPI of 133.

Wichita State Shockers (7-4, 0-0)-RPI: 117, currently unranked

Notable wins: Illinois-Chicago, LSU, UAB

Notable Losses: Baylor, at Monmouth

It was only a matter of time before our duty to sophomoric humor brought us to the Shockers. Located in Wichita, Kansas and named after a farming term for wheat harvesting, WSU has fast won over the hearts and minds of hipster basketball fans everywhere with their mid-major pluckiness and pop-culture hand signal. While the university openly discourages the use of the “traditional shocker” as seen in more lurid contexts by its cheerleaders and fans, the association still proudly exists in the free-spirited underbelly of the campus pep culture. Notable Shocker alumni include former Toronto Blue Jay Joe Carter and the WWE’s Big Show, Paul Wight. Led by senior forwards PJ Cousinard and Phillip Thomasson (each avg 11pts/game), WSU remains focused on senior leadership and experience. Fellow senior Matt Braeuer also contributes 10 points a night with 4 assists. The Shockers bring their blogtastic hand signals to Missouri Valley Conference play this Saturday, hosting their first game against Drake University. WSU will have to harvest their way past the Bulldogs as well as Creighton, Illinois State, UNI, Bradley, and SIU if they want to get out of the formidable MVC.

Scorers tables: holding up drunk invalid coaches for fifty years.

Coach Eddie Sutton is returning to the bench just two wins shy of the magic arbitrary number of 800. But the legendary drunk/pillhead isn’t returning to the familiar environs of Stillwater where his son now reigns. Instead Sutton will be taking over the job for the San Francisco Dons. After being introduced by some girly AD Sutton addressed the small media gathering.

“I’d like to thank Mrs. Debra MannBearPig for this opportunity to return to the college game that I love so much. I really think this is the beginning of something special for the San Francisco Dons. I’m incredibly excited to be coaching such fantastic young student-athletes as KC Jones, Bill Russel, lil’ Fred Scolari. Frankly I was a bit surprised that such a great job opportunity would present itself at this point in the season, but I’m not here to ask questions. I’m here to drink gin and coach basketball, and I’m all outta gin!”

Coach Sutton falls off the podium.

Well this should certainly be fun. We’re setting the over/under on number of games it takes to win two games at 12.

John Calipari worked out slumping junior guard Chris Douglas-Roberts personally during the week leading up to Memphis’ nonconference game with Georgetown. And in doing so, John Calipari not only toughened up Douglas Roberts and helped him turn in a stellar 24 point performance against the Hoyas, he TURNED HIM INTO A HERMAPHRODITE.

“For the first 30 minutes, he whined like he was exhausted,” Calipari said. “There were sounds coming out of him that I didn’t know if he were a female or a male.”

If John Calipari has difficulty distinguishing between the two, he’s either been coaching a WNBA team on the sly, or his love life is far more interesting than previously thought.

“He’s long, strong, and his ball skills and ability to penetrate are unbelievable.

In a game that neither team seemed to want to win, Illinois defeated Missouri for the eight straight “Bragging Rights” game at St. Louis’ Scottrade Center, ironically sponsored by the equally lackluster Busch Light. Forty minutes of scrappy Midwestern ball ended when Lawrence foibled his chance to drive in the buzzer beater. With 7.4 seconds left, the sophomore dribbled the ball off of his foot as he attempted to build the final attack.  After this week’s loss to Miami(OH), Illinois will likely use this win to return to thinking that they are awesome. Chants of “BCS! BCS!” rang through the arena shortly after the final whistle. Stay classy, [Fighting Redacted].

Illinois 59-Missouri 58

One does not walk lightly into the Izzone, but when you’re a top 5 team like Texas, at least look like you care about your tournament seeding. Michigan State strangled control of this midway through the first and never looked back. In typical Longhorn style, they rally back to make it interesting, but fall short of the actual comeback and must settle on a moral victory. AJ Abrams outdid DJ Augustin with 24 points off the bench to his teammate’s 22, but it wasn’t enough initials or hype to get past the Spartans. In a game that had all of the excitement of a blowout, and none of the fun of an actual reversal, Michigan State improves their resume and sends the Longhorns back to Austin for a consolation ranking somewhere between 9 and 11.

Michigan State 78- Texas 72

Welcome one and all to a truly epic day in the 2007 season which I’ve dubbed Ballgasm Saturday. ESPN’s incestuous family of networks is airing four quality games that are conveniently stacked up one after another. If it were up to me I’d be locked in my apartment for the next 8 hours, but society demands that I buy crap for relatives because some assholes decided that their god was born around the time of the winter solstice to dupe a bunch of pagan assholes. Hooray!

Getting back to the original point, it’s a dream day to be a basketball fan who already has his shopping done. Here’s a handy breakdown of all the action.

No. 4 Georgetown at No. 2 Memphis

Simply put, this is the kind of game that makes me happy to be alive. This one’s already over (I tried to write the post during the game but I only managed a couple of nonsensical sentences) and Memphis was superb in victory. Georgetown couldn’t find their offensive rhythm in the second half and they had no answer for Chris Douglas-Roberts. Regardless of the outcome I maintain that these are the two best teams in the nation on a neutral court (shut the fuck up UNC and KU fans, I can already hear your bitching). Hopefully the Hoyas get another shot in the Final Four.

No. 12 Tennessee at No. 24 Xavier

Drew Lavender is easily the most talented midget in college basketball but he’s seriously lacking in the wacky antics department. Regardless of his skill I don’t see Xavier sticking around against a Tennessee team composed entirely of full sized humans. The best battle of the day will be between Bruce Pearl’s dominating puddle and the scrappy mop boys of Xavier.

No. 25 Stanford at Texas Tech

The Lopez sisters are going to make Bobby Knight wish his team wasn’t so damn shitty. Seriously Knight, just go away now.

No. 5 Texas at No. 10 Michigan State

D.J. Augustin is about as good as it gets but that’s nothing new for Rick Barnes and it’s never seemed to help his teams win big games in the past. Michigan State counters with Drew Nietzel, who is a great guard with ten years of college basketball experience, and the masterful Tom Izzo. The floorboards will run burnt orange with the blood of the Longhorns.

Oh ESPN, you spoil us so.

I’ll be back to recap the action later tonight if I’m not being held in custody for bludgeoning a salesperson to death.