Thanksgiving in Maui – perfect.

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Key Preseason Tournaments Announce Matchups

If the NFL preseason has taught us anything – unlikely at best, but roll with us for a minute – it is that “meaning” does not guarantee priority viewing. Preseaon NFL games may be both meaningless and poor in quality, but they’re still more entertaining to watch than Game #120 in the MLB season. (And, jeez, we actually like baseball.)

But that dirty secret is a double-edged sword, and it cuts football harshly around Thanksgiving. As anyone who has suffered through watching the Lions with a belly full of tryptophan should admit, the best sports on television during the Week of the Bird has nothing to do with a pigskin. Nay, it is the exempt preseason college hoops tournaments – they of the meaningless games and odd locales – that take the cake. And the pie. And whatever other deliciousness is left in the Thanksgiving cornucopia of metaphor.

The WWL released the schedules for three of this season’s premier exempt tourneys, and each features a few can’t miss early season matchups:

In Maui – Trendy pick Notre Dame faces off against Tom Crean’s Indiana(ish) squad, but undisputed preseason #1 North Carolina leads the field and will face host Chaminade in their first game. Given the air of infallibility surrounding this UNC team, pardon us if we cheer for the Silverswords to … ya know, pull a Chaminade.

In Anaheim – In its second year, tWWL’s own tournament might be labeled the Up-and-Coming Classic. Wake Forest, coming off a Top 10 recruiting class, will face the defending Big West champs and hosts Cal State Fullerton. The winner takes on a field consisting of former bottom-dwellers like Baylor and Arizona State, punched up with solid mid-majors like Saint Mary’s and Charlotte.

In Orlando – Also owned by tWWL but with two years of history, the Old Spice Classic pulls in an impressive field of solid teams from last year with major question marks. Tennessee post-Chris Lofton? Georgetown post-Roy Hibbert? Siena trying to become the new Gonzaga? Gonzaga trying to do better than … ya know, Gonzaga? This is literally anyone’s tournament. All we know is that Neil Patrick Harris better be there.

Three more headlines, including a lot more travel for teams and coaches, after the jump

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Places WAY Better Than Maui, and That’s Saying Something – Like Spain and Australia, where Cleveland State and Purdue (respectively) will spent the last part of their summer vacations, tuning up for next year. Maybe the basketball competition isn’t quite as strong, but what a travel experience for these young men. And by travel experience, we mean WOOOOOOT NUDE BEACHES AND DECENT BEER WOOOOOOOT.

Oh, We Could Think of a Few Things – Travis Ford says nothing has surprised him since coming to Stillwater from UMass earlier this year. Which is the nice political thing to say, but we imagine the answer he kept between his ears was, “Christ, if I wanted to hear nothing but country music and drink nothing but bourbon while driving down the road, I would have just gone back to Kentucky.” (Not that we condone DUIs, but OSU has a bit of a record.)

Speaking of Booze and Hoops – Because this is clearly an area where coaches have great moral authority, it makes total sense that coaches would call on the NCAA to ban alcohol advertisements from college broadcasts. No word on whether Bill Clyde, Huggy Bear, Eddie Sutton or any of the other dozens of coaches who have been pulled for DUIs despite being of-age, in public positions, and for God’s sakes KNOWING BETTER signed the letter.

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Sadly, the biggest – and, for the most part, only – story in college basketball today is actually a story about pro basketball:

How old school are we? 2006 old school, that’s how we do.

The draft is melancholy for us. On one hand, we will watch any draft of any sport because we are … how do you put this … addicts. There is something intensely interesting about watching the future unfold, not to mention that we, like Bill Simmons’ and his dad, roundly enjoy reviewing the suits each year. Plus, if you can’t enjoy watching Stephen A. Smith interview someone who doesn’t speak English – well, brother, we just don’t know what to tell you.

(Oddly, we now have a taste for cheez doodles. Which are delicious.)

On the other hand, however, the draft is where we bid a fond farewell to college players we enjoyed because … well, we just don’t give a damn about the NBA. We’ve tried, and we just can’t. It’s not because we think the quality of play is poor; we don’t think that’s true in the slightest (at least, not anymore). It’s not that we don’t find the games entertaining, or that we have a problem with the NBA “culture”. It’s that we have no blood on that field; we have no stake in what happens at that level.

We grew up as Cleveland Cavaliers fans, which was fun during the glory years with Mark Price and Brad Daugherty. (See, Carolina fans? We can let grudges go.) But then Daugherty got hurt and starting caring more about racing than playing. Price got traded. The Cavs acquired Shawn Kemp (and future negotiation rights with all 329 of his children), who promptly got fat and terrible. The team sucked. And then the 1998 lockout happened.

Even as college kids, there was only so much time we had to devote to following sports – there were things called “Goldeneye”, “beer” and “trim” to which we wanted to devote our attention. And at that time, with our team in shambles and the league thumbing its nose at its fans – well, we just couldn’t care anymore.

We’ve tried to go back to it – it’s not like we’re unaware that the Cavs have the best basketball player alive right now – but any devotion we may have had to our team is gone. As Simmons put it – like him or hate him, he sometimes finds a nut – when you cheer for a team these days, you are essentially cheering for laundry. And you know what? We just don’t care about that laundry anymore, because it’s so evident that those wearing it don’t care either. And without a rooting interest, frankly, just about any sport becomes difficult to follow with any sort of regularity.

Is it that much better at the college level? We’d like to think so – after all, a player chooses where to go to play his college ball, and part of us really wants to believe that players who choose to attend our alma maters share some of the same hopes and dreams we had when we first stepped on campus years ago. It can’t ALL be based on booster gifts, coaching personalities, and co-eds, right? (Though, in fairness, we had hopes and dreams for the same co-eds. We just had no chance.)

No one knows for sure, of course, and we’ll admit that our view is a rosy one, especially as it pertains to top level players. But we’d rather cast our lots with the guys who, at the margins, are playing for fun rather than the guys who are, at the margins, playing as a job.

So, we’ll be watching the Draft tonight – partly for fun, but partly to say goodbye to players that we won’t see or read much about again. It’s the cyclical nature of college sports, but it’s still kind of sad.

Quick -what is the greatest skill that Johnny Dawkins brought with him from Durham to Palo Alto? Is it his familiarty with Ivy wannabe employers that expect athletic success without compromising their standards? His ability to recruit talent within those confines? His abilities as a teacher of the jump shot and defense?

Nay, fair civilians – you know the true answer. The clincher in the hiring was Dawkins’ ability to deal with a huge dick. To work with it, to learn from it, and ultimately to love it.

And that love is what made Dawkins so appealing to a Bay Area team, so desperate to find a man that knew a good dick when he saw one.

And Dawkins has followed through as hoped – the Stanford head coach filled out his coaching staff yesterday, and in addition to stealing away his former employer’s director of basketball operations as an assistant coach, Dawkins brought in a Dick that knows how to find players in every alley in the Bay Area.

Feel blessed, young men of Menlo Park, for soon you will be in the presence of the biggest Dick in the history of Bay Area basketball. He will share with you his passion. He’ll treat you with his famous tenderness. And if you keep an open mind, you might just learn something from his wisdom, and reach your climax on the court. Oh yes, fair boys of Stanford, you will.

[/dick jokes]

Second draft status update of the afternoon:

Clearly, the Profiles in Hubris leave their mark on players – first Danny Green softened his insistence that he would leave school, and now Gonzaga’s Jeremy Pargo has taken his name out of the draft. Pargo’s return means that for the first time in four years, the Zags will get their best player from the previous season back. Can’t hurt.

Joining Pargo back in the college ranks – Robert Dozier of Memphis. No surprise, as John Calipari said last week that he expected Dozier to return. But coupled with the return of Antonio Anderson, Dozier’s decision softens the blow from the loss of Derrick Rose and CDR.

Meanwhile, Richard Hendrix of Alabama announced he would stay in the draft without a first round guarantee. The All-SEC player who averaged a double-double last season has a good shot of making a team as a bench post player even from the second round, and even the most vociferous “stay in school advocates” can’t argue with a guy leaving who graduated in three years. Considering we needed every second of four years to get our undergraduate degree due to too much drankin’ the rigorous requirements, we simply say good on ya, Messr. Hendrix.

Also draftbound: Bill Walker of Kansas State is now formerly of Kansas State, as the redshirt freshman wing decided to stay in the draft despite a partial tear in his right meniscus that will prevent him from doing any more workouts before the draft. DraftExpress has him as the first pick in Round 2 right now, which isn’t too bad considering that earlier this year, insiders said he wasn’t ready for the draft at all ($).

The updated tables:

Decisions Unknown
A.J. Abrams, Texas (likely go)
Josh Akognon, Cal State Fullerton (likely go)
Ryan Anderson, Cal (likely go)
Chase Budinger, Arizona (50-50)
Derrick Caracter, Louisville (50-50)
DeMarre Carroll, Missouri (50-50)
Wayne Ellington, UNC (likely stay)
Paul Graham II, Florida Atlantic (likely stay)
Danny Green, UNC (likely stay)
Kalen Grimes, Missouri (50-50)
Lester Hudson, UT-Martin (50-50)
Reggie Huffman, UAB (50-50)
Ty Lawson, UNC (likely go)
Luc Richard Mbah a Moute, UCLA (50-50)
JaVale McGee, Nevada (likely go)
Courtney Pigram, ETSU (likely stay)
Walter Sharpe, UAB (likely stay)
Ronald Steele, Alabama (50-50)

Definitely Returning to School

Antonio Anderson, Memphis
Josh Carter, Texas A&M
Darren Collison, UCLA (who, admittedly, withdrew before the declaration deadline)
Lee Cummard, BYU
Robert Dozier, Memphis
Alonzo Gee, Alabama
Stefon Jackson, UTEP
Leo Lyons, Missouri
Jerel McNeal, Marquette
Jeremy Pargo, Gonzaga
Josh Shipp, UCLA
Robert Vaden, UAB
Lorrenzo Wade, San Diego State

School: Gonzaga, Junior.

Basketball Position: Point Guard.

Life Position: Skee-Lo.

Vitals: 6′2″, 209lb., little brother of Hornets PG Janneru Pargo.

2007-2008 Statistics: 12.1 PPG, 6.0 APG, 3.7 RPG, 1.4 SPG, 2008 WCC Player of the Year, 2008 NBA Draft Award for Draft Entrant Most Likely to Be Confused for a European Import, previously won by Mustafa Shakur, Rajon Rondo, Ike Diogu, and his older brother.

Pros: Played both guard positions well in college. Good dribbling skills. Decent rebounder given his size. Great energy and speed at both ends. Solid scorer with explosive penetration skills who attacks the hole well. Other things that sound sexual and make us feel icky for saying them.

Cons: Doesn’t seem to fit well into either guard position at the next level. Inconsistent offense manager due to poor decision making. Poor long-range shot for a pro guard. Frenetic defender who often finds himself out of position. Makes us think of North Dakota.

Projected Draft Position: Undrafted (Draft Express), Undrafted (Inside Hoops), 2nd Round / Undrafted (My NBA Draft), 2nd Round / Undrafted (Chad Ford / tWWL), 2nd Round / Undrafted (HoopsHype).

Backup plan: Pargo has set clear expectations for the draft process – though said expectations seem completely unrealistic. The ‘Zags guard earned his way into these here Profiles last week when he claimed he would only stay in the draft if he got a first-round guarantee. Um … look at the projected positions above. Then consider that DraftExpress currently puts him in the 2nd round of next year’s draft.

So, it’s a good thing he never hired an agent and can return to Spokane for his senior campaign. But judging from his comments, his unrealistic expectations aren’t limited to his pro prospects:

Pargo said that if he does return to Gonzaga, the college basketball world better be prepared.

“I think we’ll be the best team in the country to be honest,” he said.

Backup backup plan: Giving up on basketball altogether to pursue his true love – entering the exciting and challenging market of golf cart manufacturing with his new “PAR-GO” line of carts. This will inevitably end in massive tort litigation, which excites us because yay work, but should excite everyone because yay blooper videos.

Big East knows not to talk back.

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Big Thursday Has a Ring to It. Sure.

Mid-majors status is something akin to owning a bakery in Little Italy circa 1935. Maybe you want to stay in your small shop, bake your panettone, earn a humble but honest living. But when La Cosa Nostra comes calling, asking for just a small favor here and there that they promise will lead to greater riches for everyone, you accept. You know it means you no longer control your shop, your destiny, your dreams. At first, you try to push back a little, but in the end you accept it for what it is. You lie to yourself, say it is for the children. And so life goes on, your community profile larger but more gray, and your sleep much more short.

Whoa, sorry – got caught up in a metaphor there. Long way of saying – when tWWL yells “Jump!”, mid-majors answer, and we whistle because we consumers don’t care about making the sausage so long as we get 10 games a week.

Case in point: the West Coast Conference (a favorite around these parts) got added onto tWWL’s Big Monday package three years ago in a deal that pretty much worked for no one but the Mouse. Well, the WCC tried to fight back a little – saying that the late Monday start times were bad for fans and players alike in a refreshing bit of truth – and they got Bristol’s attention. So much so that tWWL is now considering moving its contracted WCC games to Thursday nights in the same time slot.

Let’s review: no gain for fans – since Thursdays are only better than Mondays for single 25 year olds with jobs that don’t require thought five days a week; no gain for players – ditto; no gain for schools – ad revenue dips on a much lower profile night, where they will fight against more football early in November / December and more pro hoops in January / February. Meanwhile, La Cosa Nostra gets what it wants – a freed up Monday schedule ready to snatch up the Pac-10, a conference more willing to screw its fans, when its contract with FSN expires.

Don’t lie to yourself, WCC. Don’t say you didn’t know this is what it was. You knew their business when went into this thing.

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A Tradition Unlike Any Other – Late May can only mean two things: first, the annual cries over why players should stay in school and how sketchy recruiting has become. Thank you, Mike DeCourcy, thank you, Louisville Courier-Journal. Boilerplate? Check. Condescending? Check. True? Sure, but who is counting?

But If We Did It, The Huggy Bear Cup Would Be Awesome – Two former TCU players were cleared of all charges stemming from a 2006 accusation of sexual assault. Just for kicks, that would have been four points apiece for the sexual assault charges plus a bonus point for choosing Gatorade as the roofie highway. But, wait … since the charges were dropped, no points … and since the players are former not current, no points … and, oh right, this is EXACTLY why we aren’t doing this.

Strangers with Candy – It’s late May, and in a gym in Raleigh this weekend, hundreds of players, families, hangers-on, and how-did-that-get-there bundles of bills gathered for some friendly hoops. Given up? It’s the annual AAU tournament in the Cackolack, complete with tons of attention from ACC coaches. We’re sure an ATM just broke or something.

About Damn Time – After making sure it’s legal department could scrub his file until it sparkled, FAU is finally ready to announce Mike Jarvis as its new head coach. Then again, you would expect the school that employs Schnellenberger as its football coach to be deliberate in all things.